[TriangleGuy]

I know there is a thread on this issue but it is fairly old and I thought I would start a new one.

I'm in a strange situation. My father was verbally and emotionally abusive to me my entire life. He is an uhapphy, angry, negative, bully who was diagnosed mental and emotional problems but refuses to do anything about it. Everything in life has to be done his way and if it's not he will start with the abuse. If I didn't live up to his expectations, I was no good and he would make sure I knew it. He wanted perfection and nothing short of that would suffice. He's really a wimp who acts like a bully.

My mother chose to do everything she could to protect him. When he got mad, which was continually, she would just say "do what he wants and make him happy"--even if it meant me being very unhappy. Later in my life she tried to show some affection even though it was absent for decades.

I lived the first 45 years of my life putting up with this and truly feeling there was something wrong with me. Years of therapy didn't help.

About ten years ago I had enough and broke off all contact. Even then my mother called saying I should blame her and not him because he was crying.

A couple of years ago my mother was diagnosed with cancer. I only found out six months ago. My brother, actually half brother (same mother, different father), told me when she was on her death bed. Surprisingly, she recovered.

Tonight, my brother called to say my mother was in intensive care and she would probably die tonight. He lives 1000 miles from them and is flying there on Tuesday. (He subtley told me I was not welcome by my parents. He and I get along fine.)

I have mixed emotions. While I mourn what should have been, and I keep second guessing if I shouldn't have broken off relations and just take it, I'm not mourning as I would someone I had contact with regularly.

What does bother me is that I have left my brother to take care of everything including my father. He talks to my father every day and visits a couple of times a year. Of course, my father hurls abuse at him but my brother is thick skinned and just ignores it. I feel guilty that my brother has to get my father settled, moved, and into care. (He's 87 and can't take care of himself.) I feel bad that I've left all this aggravation to him.

I wish there was something I could do to help him shy of actually being there.

[2B/-2B]

Originally Posted by TriangleGuy

...I wish there was something I could do to help him shy of actually being there.

Why not just offer your moral support to your brother. That is, let him know that he contact you whenever he wishes. Then leave it up to him.