Healing through Art Therapy - a personal journey.

Hi Onwards.

Yes it does.

My ego is happy whenever it feels safe. Feeling vane is one of those safe feelings.

I hardly do any art these days since youth. Now I regularly have gaps of doing art for several years at a time. Then I do some art therapy or a painting or two, then have another gap.
When I drew this, I broke the gap and did this drawing. I might have been vane at the time. Thinking I still got the magic, and my ego was saying "Yes, ain't I great!" ... ...

(((2B))),

You are a victim of abuse, you have a victim mentality and it's not your fault. Ofcourse you protected your ego, it was/is very hurt and had been invaded and disrespected. That is why it was so hard for you to revisit where you grew up too. What you have been trying very hard to do is "name it to tame it".

Are some of these pictures ones you drew when you were a child? Do you have any of those works you did?

I can see in a lot of your work that you have shown that you are still seeing from the eyes of that child. The ghost is "fear" can you see that? You don't want others to recognize the fear you have inside you. Look at how big that ghost is in the last picture you posted. What you drew in the mirror is what "you" see that others don't because you hide it. However ((2B)), you are really not alone with that because a lot of people have that hidden ghost of fear. A lot of people turn to alcohol to numb the pain of that "fear". Plus, the alcohol seems to ease that fear making it feel easier to be "heard". I used to like talking to people that had been drinking because that is when they tended to "allow" me to see more of them. What I could not understand though is why these individuals kept drinking until they could no longer function and often blacked out. That is what my husband did at times when he was a binge alcoholic. My father was like that too.

A long time ago I decided to go back and visit the grammer school I had gone to. I had not seen it since I left. To my shock, this school in my memory was so much bigger then what I saw of it once I was fully grown. I saw how small the desks really were, but in my memory they were much bigger, the cafeteria was a much bigger room in my memory then it was when I revisited it and same with the halls that seemed so much longer and bigger in my my memory of them. When you drew the picture of that sofa and you being so very small, that is how you saw it in your past as well as how small you felt. Look how big your father is in your picture and how small your mother is in the background. That is what that child in you really saw and felt, even though you were so brave that day and turned and actually looked at them.

What you need to work on is slowly learning how to reduce the size of that ghost. However, keep in mind that most people carry a certain amount of a big ghost like that inside their mind that they don't realize where it actually comes from.

You are most definitely a very talented artist ((2B)), and you want to pick it up again from time to time, however, when you do that you tend to get triggered "unknowingly" and that is reflected in how you draw things often bigger then you.

Now, that doesn't mean you need to give up art. Because, when you do a piece others are going to connect with it, yet, often others may not understand why. When I talked about The New Yorker and the art that is depicted in the cartoons in that paper/magizine, a lot of those pieces are from artists that are pulling from their childhood mind where they look at situations in such an interesting way. Walt Disney was so famous for this and while children loved his works, so did the adults.

I am a little different from you in that while I was frightened as a child, the thing I was impressed by the most was the pain I saw my older brother suffer. I also saw how my mother suffered, pacing the floors and saying out loud that the advice the psychiatrist gave my parents was wrong. The psychiatrist told my parents "no coddling" and "only constant strict dicipline" and that was acted out by my brother being taken to a shed out back where my father spanked him and we could hear him screaming and crying.

When you talk about what happened when you finally went numb and turned to face your father and once you did that he stopped? You talk about a reveal that took place. Well, I did that too, but, I was not being beaten, however, for some reason I did get brave and instead of being afraid of my father, I climbed on his lap and got to know him better. I can still remember thinking, that if Dad really was a bad man to be feared, then I would know it because he would not want me to sit on his lap. Well, to my surprise, he did not get angry, instead he really liked it. And from that moment on, I grew to know him better than any of my family did.

You faced your fear, but even though you learned something from that, you never really stopped being afraid. The problem you faced in that experience is how your father never stopped being afraid, but his way to handle that was abuse not only towards you, but your mother.

Your father NEVER grew up, he never left that fearful child he was himself. His way of handling that feeling of being "small" was to make others around him small so he could find his way to being somehow "bigger than". In his doing that, he kept you feeling small. And when you turned and looked at him, he saw himself probably for the first time. This is the route of an individual who has NPD too. However, as the saying goes, people with NPD, do not know they are people with NPD. However, they practice that same need for making others "small" and they struggle to connect in loving ways because they never experienced that themselves so it's not something they learned how to do. They tend to need a lot of praise, that makes up for whatever they did not get when they were a child. They typically have a certain way to "capture" interest, often this includes a childlike fun loving aspect of them. Many who fall prey to them get a small glimpse where they think they are important to the the one with NPD, but, they never get anything more than that and that is because the individual who struggles with NPD, never got that themselves. They are "grandios" because that is their child part who saw in "grandios", not a lot different then what you portray in your art. However, everyone has "some" of that because everyone begins as a child and part of the NPD's appeal is based on that as so many are receptive to that in an "unknowing" way.

Now, ((2B)), in keeping what I just posted, think about the movie "The Wizard of OZ". That movie is a "classic" because it's so relevent and timeless. However, if you think about it on a deeper level, whoever wrote that story was using their own life challenges and putting it in words and pictures. Dorothy landed in a new land that had a lot of color in it compared to the black and white dismal home she knew. What would make that feel friendlier? Little people right? (same as snow white with the seven drawfs). What is interesting about these little people is that they were "little people" just like children are with all their little different personalities. And Dorothy was shown the yellow brick road that would take her to a wizard who would surely know how to help her. I guess we all look for that "wizard" don't we? And Dorothy took that journey and along the way she met up with some friends right? No brain, No Heart, No courage which is something children and adults alike can relate to. And Dorothy was threatened by a witch too right? What did the witch want? What did the wizard want from Dorothy and her friends in order to grant their wishes? What ended up finally destroying the wicked witch?

That is what you are trying to find in your own "name it to tame it". In the end the good witch told Dorothy that she had the ability to go home all along, but the witch did not tell her because the witch said, "you would not have believed me". Perhaps 2B, that is part of our own disbelief until at some point we return to that time where we were experiencing trauma. It seems to me that while you are most definitely a good artist, it tends to bring you back to a time when you were small, confused, and frightened. It doesn't have to be so bad though you "can" do what others have done, like those who developed what we call the classic of "The Wizard of OZ".

You know, Steven Spielberg did that with his movies. He was always talking about what he experienced as a child himself. One of the things he kept portraying however, was in most of his stories he had the mother be a single mother and the father in his mind was to blame. He blamed his father for his parent's divorce all his life, but, in reality it was not because of his father, it was his mother who strayed, had an affair and caused the divorce. In his mind however, his mother who in his real life was so playful and childlike herself, and whom he was closer to because of her child like behaviors, felt it was his father's fault who IRL, was actually the more responsible grownup in that marriage.

He did not understand that until he was much older, and luckily for him, his father was still alive and he could appologize to his father for mistaking him as the bad guy. However, much of his work that so many have come to love, including ET, shows what he had thought for a very long time, remember in ET, the mother was single and herself childlike. Speilberg himself was a challenged child because he was bullied because he was the only Jewish child in his neighborhood, but, he also struggled in school because he had/has Dyslexia. Speilburg's escape, like you was always his art, and for him that was what he did in the form of film and making stories. Also, Speilburg is an introvert, as perhaps you are too to a certain degree.

You have talent ((2B)), it is my hope to help to "free you" in some way so you can embrace it.

Hello Open Eyes.

Just wrote a long post only to have lost it all after hitting the post button. Had to re-login but doing that lost everything. Coming back, I saw your second post, and now read that too.

I appreciate all your well thoughts and concerns. Your posts have brought up some memories I have forgotten about for awhile now. However, I still hold to how I see me ego, and how my drawings are done proportionally wise. I am saying this because I am being as honest as I can be. Please let me explain.

My father was 6' 1" (186 cm) tall, my mother 5' 3" (160 cm). At the time of the neighbor's visit and facing my father, I was 5-7 years old. With facing my father, I was placed over the head of a lounge chair (placed next to phone in dining room). When I went to turn around to face him, I was standing on the seat of the chair. His face was about a foot away from mine. My mother was in the kitchen, about twenty feet away. I think the drawing shows the proportions fairly correct.

Thanks for the sitting on the lap share of yours. I remember when we were all in the lounge room. I asked my mother why dad never has me sitting on his lap. She told me to ask him, so I did. He picked me up and placed me on his lap. As soon as I leaned back onto him, he said "that's enough" and promptly took me off his lap. Less than a minute! I was heart broken and went to my bedroom.

Later I thought I he was not my father. I asked mom about it. She left for a minute and came back with two photographs. One was of me taken not long ago, the other was of a boy, same age, looked exactly like me, but taken twenty five years earlier. No doubt he is my father.

I do not have any drawings from childhood. Early 1990's I lost everything I owned in a house fire. A few years before that, my mother drowned on a beach. My father sent me all photos of me and my mother, but now lost in that fire. The only drawing I had from childhood was given to me, by my mother, at my first wedding. The drawing was of a chow-chow train on tracks. I asked why she kept this drawing. She told me that I was three at the time and I drew it for her upside-down so that she could see it. She thought that was a special event and treasured it.

In regards to my drawing of the ego as a ghost in the machine. When I was at university studying to become a rehab counsellor, I did three years of human biology where once a week we spent an hour in the lab examining human body parts. When I saw my first dissected brain, I thought "where is the person?" I went into shock and had to go outside to think about it. There is no self to see, to point at. Shattered reality made me realize we are not the body, but we have a body. My face, I see in the mirror, is not really me, but a part of the human organism called the human body. The 'me' or 'self' is just a fabricated story, based on memory, about what the mind and body perceived and experienced within is life history. It is not 'real' but a 'fantasied-me' a ghost in the machine.

So my image of my ego is just a figment of my imagination so I can have an image of it. I could not have used an image of my mirror reflection, for that is just my body. It is not my thoughts and emotions, though the body does express those.

Hope you do not mind me expressing myself in this way, and using a false ghost image, my false-self, and naming it 'ego'. By the way, I see my true-self as the spirit-being within me. But that is another story.

Oh I am sorry that you lost a post you were writing, I experienced that myself and found out that I needed to put a check in the little box next to were I signed my PC name in to log on and the box says "stay logged in" or something to that effect. So make sure you check that box every time you log on.

Well, I am ok with you explaining it from your POV and glad that you did. What is important is that you had an opportunity to do that. Some of the things I said may get you thinking about things you had not thought of before, what is most important is to take whatever "helps" you. Now that you explain that picture of your father better, yes, I can see what you are discribing as well.

I am an artist of sorts myself and one of my own ways of dealing with chaos was to spend time in my room and create too. I don't have the means to display my work here though, at least not "yet". I do not have anything recent though as I got involved in creating other things.

Thanks Open Eyes, and the tip about staying logged on.

Hope to see some of your artworks in near future.

Being an artist, I use art as a way of therapy too

Thank you gonegirl99.
Have you shared about it on this forum?
If not, have you considered doing so?

I would like to know more about your experiences with it. Feel free to post here, of PM me.

Now that I was starting to understand a bit more about my ego, as a story about 'self'. I also realized that it was also basically fearful of be exposed as a fraud.
To avoid its exposure, it created thousands of cover-up stories to mask's its truth. That is, my ego is fearful of losing its validity.
My ego freaks out whenever it senses a loss of self-esteem (ego-energy).
This is seen as losing self validity, and will almost do anything to regain validity, like denial, irrational thinking, and lying. Some people even abuse others, or become homicidal and even suicidal.

My ego putting on a false face.

So, my ego uses cover-up stories to hide its fears. Anger is a good example. Most people do not realize that anger is just another expression of fear.
Anger is a means for the ego to get what it wants to stay okay.
If it does not get its way, it will freak-out because it does not know how to handle (cope) with the unplanned, unexpected, being wrong, doing something against own logic or wishes, etc.
The ego wants it to go its way so it can feel safe and okay again.

All these cover-up stories can happen so quickly I normally would not notice them.
Here is an example of an incident with friends at a cafe. Everybody was busy talking and I reflected on something sad. From the corner of my eye I could see a friend was about to look at me. So, to save face, I decided to put on a smiley face, but as I was about to do that I noticed my friend caught me out in mid-transformation. So, my ego stopped hiding and showed its embarrassed look of humility, or shame of trying to fool a friend. All this happened within a second of time.

My fearful ego going from one mask to another.

The following posts are some drawings that have helped me to understand my deeper truths.
These truths, over much time, has helped me to let go of my fearful self most times in my daily life.
As a result, I have grown spiritually, gratefully, serenely, and most importantly in genuineness.
Self-honesty minimizes my fears so I can be more true and realistic.

The Act of Denial

Suspicion.
First mask (left) was disappointment (like the first second of jealousy).
Now, suspicion takes over.
If suspicion confirmed, the mask of anger awaits to rush in.

Losing Face. The ego is exposed.

Thanks for sharing this

This has helped me 2B/-2B, because it has been people that hang onto Denial even when it hurts others, that has profoundly affected me in my life.
I can't do that, and I never could understand how others can.

I spent time with a counselor that told me that the people who are like this "hate" their victims and tend to find ways to put their victims down to ease their own guilt. My husband was often mean to me and even looked for ways to put me down because of what he did behind my back and how he lied to me. So, when he was around me he hated how I reminded him of his guilt so he was often mean to me, looking for ways to belittle me that would somehow ease his guilt.

I was truth, and he did not want to "face the truth". This was especially bad when he was an active binge alcoholic.

My husband has been sober now for 24 years. He has helped others get sober too, and he runs a Monday night meeting every week, sometimes even runs other meetings. But, he only did that and never really got therapy so I live with a man that is actually two people inside that I call Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde.

Thank you Open Eyes for sharing your response and experience.

For me, denial can be quick and subtle or embarrassingly drawn out. Most cases it is the quick and subtle, that is why some call denial Didn't Even Notice I Am Lying.
But the truth is, we do know (at a deeper level) the truth of what we are denying, because we have to know what we are denying before we can deny it.
In any case, fear drives the person into denial.

As you know I am an alcoholic too, and sober for 27 years.
The Mr Hyde in me surfaces whenever I get over self-centered (ego) where self-will-run-riot. Also known as a dry drunk. This happens when I start denying my spiritual Self / Being.
I get restless, irritable and discontent, the early signs and symptoms. Serenity slips out and ego slips in. Easing God Out, as they say.
Partners of an AA member can see the benefits of attending AA meetings, and often remind the AA member, who is restless, that it is time to go to an AA meeting.

I find the spiritual aspect the hinge-pin of recovery. It allows me to find the true me through self-honesty.
It allows me to trust in something other than my ego-self to see the truth; because my ego-self is threatened by it.
Without the spiritual aspect, I find myself still in self-bondage.

This post will be my current last piece of artwork towards Surviving Abuse through art therapy.
The composition for this oil painting came to me through a dream. It symbolizes for me how the truth sets me free.
Through being rigorously honest with myself, having trust in my spiritual-self and a Higher Power, I was able to travel towards the light at the end of the tunnel.
Each step towards the light revealed more truths that were hidden in the darkness.
Each truth prepared myself to see clearer for the next step towards the light.
Each step getting truer, clearer, freer. Self-bondage was slipping away.
The brighter the light got, the truth of self and others became clear, and forgiveness too.
It is as if my adversity became the source of my blessing.


This painting is still not finished, and won't be for a long time, because it is made with many layers of glazing to bring out the light and certain qualities I am looking for.

For me, this painting shows a body of healed wounds from physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual pain and suffering of the past.
The scars will (hopefully) look like gold. The skin is yellow to represent the dying of the flesh, as in replacing the body with spirit consciousness.
The light from within the eye represents seeing reality with truth, with the light at the end of the tunnel, with the eyes of the spirit instead of my ego.

I am grateful for this forum to allow me to share my experiences, strength and hope for surviving abuse.
Though it is my personal journey, it has also become shared with others as well. For that, I hope it has / will encourage others to take a risk at being honest to the very core of self.
When recovery from outside was not working as well as I hoped, it was time to take a risk and start going inwards to face the source of all my fears and problems, my ego-self.

Please feel free to add anything to this thread, good or bad.
Take a risk.

Thanks for the explaination, I am probably going to have to read it a few times more.

My husband got so comfortable with his exaggerating that even if he knows down deep somewhere he is lying, he has convinced himself along the way that it's ok. I have told him so many times that the truth was fantastic enough, there was no need to exaggerate and begin to lie.

I never know how he is going to be when he comes in that door either. If Mr. Hyde is the one that walks in, I just want to run and now I have an exaggerated startle response from it. Mr. Hyde has loud mean body language, has to know where I am and what I am watching on TV, then he heads to the kitchen and cleans and wipes the counter like that has to be done for him to have a sense of control. No matter what I say or do, it doesn't make a difference when Mr. Hyde is present in him.

He was not abused like you were, however, he has two learning disabilities and was bullied in school. So, his ego suffered and he made up for it in unhealthy ways. Dr. Jeckle is caring and kind and the half I fell in love with, I did not meet Mr. Hyde until after I married him.

Mr. Hyde really came out when all the damage happened on my farm and I broke and had what I finally learned was a post traumatic breakdown.

You know what is so ironic? The neighbors that were negligent that ended up causing so much damage to what I had? The father has the same problem, only he was a mean drunk. I don't know if he stopped drinking, but he never went to AA or got any help. He doesn't respect boundaries and his wife is just as bad and so is his daughter. At first they admitted the negligence, but they did not want to know just how bad the damage really was. Instead they got very mean.

I am a very honest caring person and I just could NEVER understand how people that lie and deny can live with themselves. Maybe they can't, maybe that is what creates this Mr. Hyde and the problem with alcohol. Or, the dry drunk that comes out in this Mr. Hyde persona.

My own anger is not about fear so much as just sheer anger and frustration.

Reading what you wrote, is the first time anyone described it this way. I don't really have to tell my husband to go to a meeting, he already knows.

I get VERY LONELY. My husband is not a bad person, but Mr. Hyde is so hard to live with and I never know when he is going to pop up and for how long he will be around.

Thank you Open Eyes for your honesty, it has helped me more to see how it is for the partners and significant others.

I am glad we both benefited. I wanted to add that I am so sorry for what you had to deal with growing up. I have a hard time reading threads in this forum because I really love children and get upset when I hear someone talk about their childhood abuse as a child should never have to endure that. You and I are very close in age and I know back when we were children there really was not much help for children when it came to what you described experiencing, certainly no computers and support sites like this one or even abuse hot lines.

I love your last picture too and everything you said about embracing "your" truth and healing. The people you help are lucky to have you.

I think that one of the ongoing problems I have faced is the disrepect for boundaries. Mr. Hyde doesn't respect my boundaries, everything becomes about "him". It's the same thing with my neighbors and I have seen him also go into his Mr. Hyde mode too, and he won't stop either. I put up a no trespassing sign, he tore it down and his reason is "I don't like it" and what he was really saying that day was "I do not want to respect your boundaries, I will intrude whenever I want to". That is Mr. Hyde, he doesn't like boundaries and he doesn't care. So, having your explaination has been helpful, because I can't understand how someone can be two people like that. Dr. Jeckle is so nice and tells me he loves me all the time, but Mr. Hyde is so very mean and intrusive and he doesn't respect my boundaries and looks to invade them as soon as he comes in that door.

I find everybody has a Mr Hyde in them, some seem to be always there and others are not so easy to find.
However, primary instincts and survival instincts can bring Mr Hyde to the rescue of preserving "little-me" - the bruised ego.
The thing I have to remember is that Mr Hyde is scared, scared of being exposed, or vulnerable, or threatened, or not in control, etc.
If find the best way to help Mr Hyde to revert back to Dr Jekyll is to ask myself how. "Would I treat a scared person?"
I would be calm, patient, tolerant, gentle, and loving; yet firm, honest, and self-respecting. I would be everything Dr Jekyll is.

Wow, I have to think about what you just posted a couple of different ways.

I have been overwhelmed with dysfunctional Mr. Hyde behavior towards me and it's been really hard, and to be honest, it's been really hard for a while. I have been a Dr. Jeckle so many times for others. Calm, gentle, and loving; yet firm, honest and respecting. Unfortunately, while I was not physically abused as you have experienced, I was emotionally abused and badly.

What has consistently made me angry is the "lies", and what consistently makes the others who have emotionally abused me is their resentment towards me because of their need to protect their "lies and manipulations" and "egos" as you have helped me see in your posts.

When you talked about how you turned around and finally faced your father and the beating stopped? That is what I have done over and over and over in my life. I wanted the emotional beating to stop whether it was towards myself, or, others who were being hurt. I have been told how "gifted" I am several times. But, it is a curse when it isn't reciprocated.

But, when I stood there and witnessed so much of what I worked so hard for and really loved so badly damaged and was overwhelmed with having so many ponies and horses damaged that I could not afford to address it like it deserved, I experienced a post traumatic breakdown. I had so much grief and anger and fear too, that my brain simply could not process it all. And that was when the Mr. Hydes came at me the most. And my own "inner child" was really being beaten up badly. I use the term inner child because of how disabled and helpless I was and instead of being helped, even by the professionals I reached out to, I was only hurt more. And I use the term child because at the time I did not understand what was happening to me and did not know anything about what a post traumatic breakdown was. I use the term child because of how completely helpless I was and could not stop the pts trauma chills. And what made it so much worse is how different individuals were so mean and angry towards me.

And just as I am writing this like this I have realized something that I had not realized before. For a while I was having these horrible flashbacks where I was a baby in my crib crying and feeling these chills, I could not see a person or what was going on, but I was crying and crying and shivering and my stomach hurt so bad and my body was remembering that. I hated that flashback because it was so painful and I could not understand "why" I was experiencing it. Then, my therapist said that I was probably waking up from a nap or something and I was wet, cold, and hurngry and with a baby, the hunger really does hurt so they will cry to sound an alarm for the mother to come and feed. When my therapist told me that, it eased so much fear in me because for a while I thought something bad must have been happening to me. Once he told me this, I began to think about how my mother had two other children and probably did not get to me right away and I kept being wet, cold, and hungry for too long. That is what finally helped that intense horrible flashback ease up from hitting me so strong I felt I was going to literally die from it. Now, I realize that my brain was remembering something that my conscious mind was not aware of. How strange is that? My brain was going so far back because it remembered the current "unmet need" and the "chills" as something I had experienced as a baby. Sounds like science fiction doesn't it? It probably happened more than once because my mother had two other young children and was overwhelmed with no help and could not get to me right away and because it most likely happened more than once, maybe even several times, my brain never forgot it. I think we remember so we develop instinct because I never let my daughter cry to be fed, as soon as she stirred I got her and fed her and changed her wet diaper. (this is probably something that is a maternal instinct that happens that probably isn't something a man/male brain is as sensitive to).

I don't know if my own anger is the same because I don't lie and manipulate to protect my "ego". Truth was something that was demanded in my home growing up, if we lied our mouths were literally stuffed with a bar of soap. Being good and honest was impressed on us as children. I often find myself angry because my parents should have made it a point to let us know about how much we would encounter others that "lie and manipulate". I have a very hard time understanding how others can live with themselves when they lie and manipulate. It's been deeply imprinted in me that it is so wrong to lie and nothing to be proud of, especially not on a spiritual level. It is said, "truth will set you free", so IMO, there is no "true" ego without truth and honesty.

Thanks Open Eyes for your self-disclosure.

In regards to people who cause damage on other people's lives:
There are some people I have come across in my life who are so self-centered and fearful that they remind me of what evil is.
When I am confronted by those people I know that no matter what truth I say it will not be understood. They will always divert, through back, get angry, deceive, deny, etc.

Under those circumstances my calm, gentleness, and loving is still there but channeled into being silently listening. My firmness, self-respecting, and honesty becomes even stronger.
I refuse to validate any of their deceptions. This often angers them more because they are not getting any validation, but more importantly they are starting to feel exposed by it.
However, whenever they become honest I will validate that if asked of me.

This takes are fair bit of self understanding of my own fears (from personal history) to understand the fears others.
Such fearful people seem to not understand how to be any other way, for their truth is what they fear the most.
They are in denial, as if they are continually denying something from their past, and that denial paints (biases) what they continually see now.

In my early recovery, wise people were put in my path. They saw me as one of those blind by denial persons.
They broke through that with what some call 'tough love'. There was no people-pleasing, just blunt truth and self-honesty.

Open Eyes, are you, and husband, familiar with co-dependency? If so, this is just a friendly reminder.
The goal is inter-dependency (part co-dependency and part independent). As soon one starts to please the other, to invest in a return from the other, the co-dependency has gone sour.
It is then time for being independent for awhile. For this to work, both parties need to understand what co-dependency means and how to stop it.
Whenever we start to always expect each other to please the other, one of us will say, "I am not people-pleasing (co-dependency) today, you can do it yourself (independence)".
Instantly both of us are then aware of becoming complacent, and expecting the other person to please us - instead of doing so unconditionally.

Al-Anon helps partners of alcoholics in dealing with the Mr Hyde.

I have had to explain to my husband that he wants to please others and be some kind of hero, however, often what he does is he unknowingly trains people to just "expect" from him and instead of him being appreciated people begin to demand and expect from him and don't appreciate him for being extra nice and actually pay him and give him a return. He is very quick to say in an angry way, "no good deed goes unpunished".