[dogzrule]

Hi everyone,

I haven't written for a while, I had written a lot before when I was leaving my exboyfriend that was abusive emotionally and physically and stalked me. To make the story short, I was successful in getting a restraining order after I watched him get arrested one night when he had grabbed me on the street (and then had battery on an officer as one of the charges).

That was two and a half years ago. I volunteer and work with the local domestic violence organization that helped me now. We have an annual fundraiser of wrapping gifts at the mall and I try to sign up for multiple shifts to help. The other night I was doing that (which was a 3 hour shift) and I came out to my car on a jack with a tire/wheel stolen. Of course I called 911 because I wanted a police report (if for nothing else, the insurance claim) and I flagged down the mall security. The first thing both the mall security officer and the police officer said (separately) was they wondered if it was directed at me. My car is nearly 8 years old and it isn't worth much. The wheels and tires are not fancy and to even use that kind of wheel/tire you'd have to have a pretty small car. The security people/cop were very helpful and helped me get a spare on (we had to use a lug nut from each of my other wheels) so I could at least drive home.

I barely slept that night (which was two days ago). I contacted my original advocate from the DV organization that helped me with the restraining order first thing the next day (and now we know each other well too with me working and volunteering there). Luckily she called the sheriff's office and asked them if they would fingerprint the jack (the police officer just put it in the back of my car, I never touched it). They took it to be fingerprinted so hopefully if it was my ex they will get a print. He's certainly in the system (been arrested 3 times in our town to my knowledge). I'm just waiting now to hear back with what happened. If that is the case then I can pursue another restraining order for a longer than average time probably (normally they are issued for 90 or 180 days).

I'm just really freaked out. It scares me that both of the people that helped me that night had the same reaction and they didn't hear each other say it. The people from the DV organization are freaked out. I know that it could be a random occurrence too. I'm really hoping it is. I just haven't felt like this in so long. I always struggle a little with depression/general anxiety but now I feel as bad as I did when I left the final time. It's like I'm almost outside of myself, watching myself be upset. I'm so numb. I'm trying to process and prepare myself for the worst. I don't want to have to face him in court again. Even if it was a random occurrence, it upsets me that I am able to be this affected by that happening.

Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? I know all the things I have to do - keep taking my meds and do a lot of self-care. Luckily I'll be going to my parents' house next week. Being away for a while where I know I'm safe and away will be really nice. I know generally how the process works for the restraining orders and all that. I just didn't think that after such a long time I'd be back to feeling like this.

[x123]

A book I read said that worrying is unproductive. Instead, you should act on your worries. Acting will make you less worried and more safe. Probably your suspicions are correct, and your ex-boyfriend took your wheel. I suppose the act was meant to inconvenience you and maybe also to make you worried? Probably making you worried gives him a feeling of satisfaction or control or something?

I wish I had more useful advice to give.

[dogzrule]

Yeah and I think I did act, at least how I can so far. I was more worried before I had taken the jack to the sheriffs office and I thought maybe I had missed my opportunity to get it printed. My guess would be if it was him that took it, it would be to intimidate me and try to have power again (which he hasn't had since I left and got the initial restraining order). I guess I also thought that the more time went by, the less likely something was to happen.

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[Simone70]

There is a book I read when I was going through this that really helped. It's called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It was very validating and also taught me how be alert, but not hyper-vigilant 24/7. You are doing all the right things, covering all bases. And you may even be one of the lucky ones that get's the bastard if his prints come through. You are going out of town for while, which is a good thing while the cops get it sorted. Take extra steps to keep yourself safe, working for a DV service, you know what you need to do.

Just remember, he doesn't have the right to destroy your peace of mind. Be alert, but don't let the jerk force you in a hyper-vigilant over anxious state. I know it's easier said than done. Take care and sending hugs.

I read The Gift of Fear when I was going through this too --- really great book.

I can really get what you're saying. The guy I was having issues with, stopped with the stalking a couple of years ago. Then a couple of weeks ago, we bumped in to each other for the first time in ages. Im confident it was accidental, he had no idea I would be there. But he was opportunistic and used it as a chance to make it very clear he is *still* not over this. I too am surprised at strongly *those* feelings returned. I really thought it was over, but now I think it will never be over.

[dogzrule]

Thanks for that book suggestion. I will pick up a copy today, it looks like my Barnes and Noble has it. Yeah trying not to be on edge all the time is what is hard. I even jump at work if someone startles me when I'm in the middle of doing something. It is really helping me to know that at least I will know if this were him or not with the fingerprinting. The fact that the police were so cooperative was helpful in and of itself.

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[Quarter life]

Hey dogzrule'

I totally empathize with how you feel. I have had an intrusive aggressive stalker for almost 14 years. I now have a violence order against him...but he still finds ways to intimidate and harrass me. I refuse to engage in any way, I simply pretend he is invisible as it is my only way to cope. I also ensure that I an vigilant and refuse to become complacent...I write down every event in a journal.

Be Safe dogzrule...(hugs)

[dogzrule]

Thanks guys. I finally heard back from the police and they weren't able to recover any prints from the jack. I had considered finding out one way or another, I hadn't really considered not finding out anything. In some ways I think that is worse because now I am just left wondering.

I made an appointment with the therapist I saw a few years ago. I've been reading "The Gift of Fear" which has been really good and insightful, but I am going through many physical and mental struggles that I dealt with right after leaving the relationship. I'm not able to sleep through the night, waking up multiple times in a panic, and constantly feel on edge (or at least more so than usual). I don't like feeling this way again and I didn't think I would feel like this again to this extent.

[x123]

Not getting enough sleep probably makes you more paranoid and less capable. A few years ago I got a prescription for Ambien and that was very helpful. It isn't as good as natural sleep, but it is better than the over-the-counter sleep aids like Zzzquil. I didn't feel groggy when I woke up in the morning while taking Ambien.

Sleep made a huge difference for me. I was having psychosis, and I was afraid to let my guard down to sleep. It was really hard to take the sleeping pills knowing that I would sleep, but my psychological state improved greatly with sleep.

[dogzrule]

Yeah, the sleep interruptions will definitely be a big talking point when I meet with my therapist. Unfortunately that's not until next week. :/

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[Focus62]

I am in a similar boat having had a relapse of sorts with my PTSD...the nightmares are hellish. I've been out of therapy for a year now but I too have made an appointment with a new therapist (I moved) but it's not until next week. The waiting is hard, especially when we're not getting any rest. Just wanted to say I feel for you. We can wait together!

[dogzrule]

Thank you!! It is awful just waiting. I'm trying to take care of myself as much as possible while waiting and I hope you are also. Feel free to message me anytime.

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[Elsie6283]

I know this is completely avoiding the issue but if he knows what car you drive, maybe think about getting a new car? Like you say it might not have been him, but it will give you piece of mind perhaps?

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[dogzrule]

I can't afford that :/. I just paid that car of a few years ago. I am changing the bumper stickers and what made it distinct and I'm going to put new magnets on that are different. That thought crossed my mind but there's no way I can do that right now.

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[Elsie6283]

Is there any way to change the licence plate? I know that's an expensive option here in the uk, just thought it was worth mentioning in case it's different over there.

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[dogzrule]

It might not be that expensive. That's a good idea! I actually did change it since I dated him but maybe I should again.

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