[ChavInAHat]

I'm on my mobile so can't do the symbol on the post



so yesterday I had a meeting with my daughter's school.

She is 7, autistic and goes to a specialist school.

2 years ago at her old school she showed what was deemed to be 'over sexualised behaviour'.
She was assessed by childrens social care and their hypothesis is that she was sexually abused by her paternal grandfather, (her dad has never seen her because he is an A-hole).

I got rather upset and in the assessment my PTSD came up and she asked me why I have PTSD and so I told her briefly that I was physically and emotionally abused by my mother and sexually abused by others.

So this was all put in a report which Summarised the assessment.

Well, a few months ago my daughter was struggling with the concept of death and she was sent to the drama therapist. recently the paternal grandfather died and I told school and they want me to tell her as I haven't.

So yesterday I took the report in as I know I wouldn't be able to talk about it.

She read it...

Then she was so patronising and 'therapisty' with the "you are very brave for sharing the report, thank you ever so much for allowing me to read it"

I explained that I took it in to explain why it is hard to tell Kaitlyn about her grandad. Obviously I don't want to bring up memories for her and we don't know what went on because it is just a hypothesis.

I worry because she is autistic (she does talk) she won't be able to communicate her feelings or what happened IF anything did.

I just hate that MY past was put in the report. I hate the sympathy and patronising around it. Especially as the drama therapist is roughly my age too (I'm 30 this year).

Now we have to have another meeting with the class teacher and the therapies supervisor. apparently they NEED to see the report too



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[RedSun]

Aww Chav, I'm sorry this is going on for you.

Can you ask to have the report adapted, and take out your bit before school see it?

[ChavInAHat]

Originally Posted by RedSun

Can you ask to have the report adapted, and take out your bit before school see it?

I probably could have, but when I struggle in the meeting we are having next week to discuss the report, they should understand why. That is the ONLY reason I left it in there.

The report went out to 8 other professionals that work or worked with my daughter. This school are the only ones who haven't seen it so it's not like I've managed to keep it private so far. I didn't realise the social worker was going to put my past in the report and send it out.



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[Frankbtl]

Hi ChavInAHat

It sounds like that was an extremely difficult meeting for you and I'm sorry you had to endure that
But I would say that just because something is written in a report doesn't automatically give someone else the "right and need to know" everything or anything in that report.
So..........what I would suggest would be to photocopy the report and hand them the copy with anything personal (of a manner unrelated to supporting your daughter with the current issue) covered in black marker.
You could then explain to them that those parts in the report are confidential and unrelated to the circumstances you are meeting about.
And in that meeting you could come up with a plan of action, although if you could decide on some things you feel very strongly about/"no go areas" yourself prior, in where to go from here with your daughter.
IF anything happened with her granddad though..........it might be "safer"/easier for her to have those come out in a planned/supportive manner...........where you can be there for her throughout e.g. if the therapist or yourself..........start exploring/discussing "appropriate" and "inappropriate" touch with her, which may be important even if nothing happened with her granddad.
She might not be able to express her feelings too well verbally IF anything happened but I'm guessing she might be able to express some of them in different forms e.g. creative or behaviorally if those feeling do surface???
And support could be adapted to help her with some of those..............although if that was a route you might consider at some time, there may be other professionals e.g. psychologists who could help too................
Anyway SORRY I've completely digressed................the report...........yes, that's what I'd suggest.



Alison

[ChavInAHat]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

IF anything happened with her granddad though..........it might be "safer"/easier for her to have those come out in a planned/supportive manner...........where you can be there for her throughout e.g. if the therapist or yourself..........start exploring/discussing "appropriate" and "inappropriate" touch with her, which may be important even if nothing happened with her granddad.
She might not be able to express her feelings too well verbally IF anything happened but I'm guessing she might be able to express some of them in different forms e.g. creative or behaviorally if those feeling do surface???
And support could be adapted to help her with some of those..............although if that was a route you might consider at some time, there may be other professionals e.g. psychologists who could help too................

This is why the report is good to let them have, as the therapies team at the school are just amazing. She couldn't be better supported, and the social services have said that if any other behaviours come out then they will arrange proper psychological therapy for her and for it to be aimed at her level of autism.

I think I made the decision to let them photocopy the whole document because when the other two join the meeting next week I will really struggle with the conversation. I am currently in therapy myself and have been struggling with memories of my own CSA. So them knowing, while incredibly intrusive and my past should NEVER have been circulated like that in the first place, it may help them understand if I can't cope with the conversation. My daughters last school called me strange and odd, but they didn't know I had PTSD and struggled with the whole issue, not until after the report.

The only reason they didn't have the report in the first place was because it was sent to the previous school and not the new one.

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[Frankbtl]

ChavInAHat

This probably is probably digressing from your message too, SORRY. But just thoughts from "outside" of the situation............
You actually handing over that report and letting them photocopy it, I'd say showed incredible strength, and hopefully it will help you a little in feeling that you've taken back some more of the power from your abusers if you need to feel that.
You've just pretty much stood up to the school and said "I shouldn't feel too embarrassed or ashamed to show you this, it wasn't my fault", "I don't want pity, I don't want sympathy, you've no right to look down on me because of this", and what you were actually wanting was to do what might be in your daughter's best interests and while that may be incredibly hard under your circumstances........and while you may have felt/feel you need to reveal some personal information, get some extra understanding/sensitivity and support to be a big part of that overall, you were/are not "walking away" from doing that.
And I would say, that not only shows you are so strong and takes a massive stance against your abusers, but also makes you a truly amazing mother!!! You should try to feel so proud of yourself!!!

Alison

[ChavInAHat]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

ChavInAHat

You actually handing over that report and letting them photocopy it, I'd say showed incredible strength, and hopefully it will help you a little in feeling that you've taken back some more of the power from your abusers if you need to feel that.
You've just pretty much stood up to the school and said "I shouldn't feel too embarrassed or ashamed to show you this, it wasn't my fault", "I don't want pity, I don't want sympathy, you've no right to look down on me because of this", and what you were actually wanting was to do what might be in your daughter's best interests and while that may be incredibly hard under your circumstances........and while you may have felt/feel you need to reveal some personal information, get some extra understanding/sensitivity and support to be a big part of that overall, you were/are not "walking away" from doing that.
And I would say, that not only shows you are so strong and takes a massive stance against your abusers, but also makes you a truly amazing mother!!! You should try to feel so proud of yourself!!!

Alison

Thank you Alison.

It has felt very much- whatever helps my daughter.

She is my entire world.

I never thought of it as anything against the abusers, but I do know that parenting is about doing what is right, making sacrifices and no matter what, doing what is right for your child.

I never had that growing up.

My daughter deserves the world and IF her grandad abused her- than I failed to protect her- one of my basic duties as her mother- and the least I can do is feel uncomfortable while my past is exposed so that she can be supported.

It is what parents should do.

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[Frankbtl]

WOAH Chav!!!!!!!!

I know that this "My daughter deserves the world and IF her grandad abused her- than I failed to protect her- one of my basic duties as her mother......" can be a completely natural feeling of a loving parent if they suspect that their child has been abused or they find out this has happened but remember that assuming you've done all that you can to protect her, there are times when there is only so much you can do, IF..............
And as you clearly love your daughter so much, and from your own experience, I would say that if there had been any "red flags" you would have probably seen them and acted on them, right??
But sometimes there are no"red flags" and no reasons not to trust someone, someone who should as a granddad also want to fully protect his granddaughter/your daughter.
So without any signs, without any reason not to trust.........the blame should lie 101% on the abuser...........on no-one else!!!
While it is true that sometimes abusers can sometimes be the last person you'd expect, without any of that it IS the abuser, and the abuser ONLY, to blame.
And it is SO good that you seem prepared to try to do whatever it takes to help your daughter now IF anything happened, that can go A LONG way to helping IF..........