[Yismymindblank12]

I was abused in every way and a survivor of being locked up held captive like a hostage as a child from my next door neighbor. The hardest things now is starting from the time I was 4 to 17 years old I've taken a lot of abuse in many messed up ways from a lot of people its hard to explain what healing feels like because I'm just turned 22 and never really felt safe and where period.

I'm asking because of the most difficult pent up energy and emotions that spill over you are trying to ask and make known your emotional needs but everyone including your family just think your crazy or diminish your feelings just by brushing you off for so long all you do is act like a child and act out in anger frustration or fear or terror because you can't get your point across or no matter how hard you scream no ones listening?

This is my life and as now a young adult my emotional state is so bad friendships and relationships are just impossible nothing for me to redeem if I act out and my scared child comes out from every day situations. I regret every time I flip out and instead of trying yo help me and give the attention I was asking for I'm always scrutinized and punished.

So I feel bad for feeling that's how I was raised. It's all I want for someone to take responsibility but they didn't then and definitely won't now or ever. I'm supposed to be responsible of something I should of had someone to guide me and tell me it's OK and all I rather have is have my life hurry up because its constant cancerous feeling that I always feel unloved even when it's an illusion at times. I can't escape it or see anything else anymore. So I'm always perceived too whiny, emotional, and pathetic by my own mother and everyone and my mom didn't abuse me directly or anything like that but I feel she was never the hero I needed nor my dad when I needed them so that disappointed response is forever my life till someone else mends it by giving me room to make piece instead of bashing me what I am not and what I can't do and how I should feel bad all the time.

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm so sorry this all happened to you and that now, as a young adult, it's a struggle to deal with things.

I've had similar issues with intense anger and not being able to deal with relationships in or out of my family. I hated people, and really had a hard time with authority figures...bosses especially.

Therapy certainly helped and the medication I'm on certainly has helped me even out emotionally. Now, I'm able to deal with my fears in a more productive way. Are you in any type of therapy?

Family can be extremely difficult. In mine, you are brushed off, told to forget the past, etc. Now I know this is THEM and not me. I have a surface relationship with Mom, Dad, and my one sister. I'm closer to my other sister, a cousin, and a handful of co-workers from my last job. I make this my family. It's okay to surround yourself with the people you feel closer to.

It's a battle but worth it. It's tough work. You are worth it. You can send a private message to me anytime. Hugs, Cat

[Open Eyes]

I am so sorry you experienced that with your neighbor, and now when you need to finally take the time to talk about how that hurt you, you don't get the validation you not only need but deserve.

When someone who has faced these horrible situations is told they are a "survivor", that never really helps and most feel they are not survivors because they are still struggling even though they "lived" in spite of whatever horror they were exposed to that they did not know how to get away from.

What can help to a certain degree is to slowly learn that the people who abuse in whatever way they do abuse often do so because it's the only way they themselves were ever heard or gained some sense of power over. To me, the worst is when an individual abuses a child. However, these individuals always tend to pick others they see as weaker then themselves and when they are themselves very weak, they seek out children. And abuse and neglect of children often has a spectrum to it depending on whatever adult/parent's personal level of "personal strength and independence" happens to be.

One of the things I learned after finally finding two therapists that understood what "trauma patient" really is, is these therapists learned to exhibit body language that is as non threatening as possible. The reason they learn this is because it helps a trauma patient feel empowered instead of threatened.

With that in mind, think about what an abuser looks for too. Abusers also learn to look for a body language that sends that same kind of signal which is timid and non threatening. Also, what many victims ask is, "why do I keep attracting the same bad people?". That is because without realizing it these individuals express the very body language that abusers look for. Also, when an abuser is "grooming" their victim, often they will display this same kind of "timid" that most children take as "harmless". I have observed this kind of display given off by individuals I have come to recognize as "abuser/user" type individuals. I have seen them convince others that "they are the victim" when in reality they are "not" but seek to use others to attack their victim.

It is often a big challenge for someone who genuinely "is" a victim because often others mistake it as "attention seeking" instead of having a genuine need. Some of the "dismissive" reactions you are receiving is connected to this interpretation of your effort to reach out for "comfort and validation". That is why it's important to find a therapist that you can sit with that knows how to listen to you in a way you not only need, but deserve. That is also why you can also get validations when you post here in this forum because there are others struggling like you are that understands how it feels and hurts.

When you recall these different events that brings on these challenging feelings of fear/hurt/powerlessness I believe you, I believe you have such a hard time and it's so much harder when you try to talk about it and others around you don't comfort you the way you not only need, but deserve.

What I have come to recognize about this "lack" is that these are the very same people who have no idea "what to do" any more then you knew when you were the victim. When other people do not respond with "caring and empathy", that doesn't mean you are not worthy of it, instead these individuals cannot/nor do they want to imagine or think about what it meant to be in your position.

When a victim feels fear from their abuser, the victim on some level learns that if they try to fight back somehow, the abuser will escalate his/her abuse. The reason this happens is that the abuser is him/herself childlike in that they themselves only learned how to gain control by becoming more "dysfunctional and mean". It becomes a situation of "if you are mean to me I will be mean right back to you". A victim learns this and slowly realizes the only way to make it easier is to give in. This is especially true for a child because a child doesn't have enough life experience to even begin to know how to fight back or defend themselves. Abusers know this and what they do is they "groom" their victim to draw that victim into their web of abuse.

What is important for you to slowly learn in the "now" is that the individual who hurt you was himself at one point some kind of "victim or neglected and felt helpless", so what they did to you was their only way to be "heard somehow". Short of a person having no ability to feel remorse because their brain doesn't have that area/part to it where that individual has that ability, example psychopath, a lot of abusers fit into the catagory of
"hurt people hurt people".

What happened to you was never your fault, it was never because you were not worthy of love and protection and respect. The individual that hurt you never had the capacity to think about that with you, instead that other person was only thinking about their own need to gain attention and "control" because they never got heard any other way.

[Yismymindblank12]

It's led me a life of abusive relationships my mother was always codependent and intrusive and narcassistic as well. She is very smart and always struggle between appreciating her and loathing her and feeling lonely without her and without her attention since ever.

My dating life was never good, I had everything what most people would want from a guys perspective, but it wasn't what I needed it was very obvious I hated feeling expendable by these people and that having sex with me is supposed to be a means of value or depreciation. It was difficult how I was always told how I'm not good looking or they like my "imperfections" they got so hard on me on before, it was always a tug o war of my self esteem my looks and my life overall.

I've now since then lost a lot of weight and will continue to keep that up. I work out till I almost faint. I struggled with anorexia in the past, but I'm just accepting it because I crave the control no one else can bring me in this way.

I struggle all the time accepting anything. Why I wanted not a relationship, but something more because I wanted to feel loved in a way I never thought was possible just being exposed to it in my most vulnerable. Every other time, it's harder for me to receive it, but I will swallow it down even force it down if I have to when it's friends or acquaintances or strangers who are nice to me.

Many days I wish I was a girl, just to put effort into my looks in the way they do. I don't know why the affection girls receive from others is what I want more so yes it is contradictory, but I don't want to explain all that part right now.

I worked out for 3 hours off and on hard weight training and cardio and light exercise supersets.

Even if my body doesn't bring me what I want, I know this is going to get worse. I accepted that, I just all my life wanted this so badly and never got it. I would even lay down everything my own life to just have it.

You wouldn't understand unless you're depraved and starved as I am.