Hi there,

Just need to share this..

I'm REALLY angry that my mum left me 'alone' with my dad who was potentially dangerous.. I mean, my mum was physically present, but she wouldn't protect me from him. She subjected me to his rage and actually used me as a shield against him in a way, telling me to tell him to do what she wanted him to do when he wouldn't listen to her..

I don't need to hear she did her best and had her reasons, I already know that.. But knowing it doesn't make my hurt any less real or justified. I've spent almost my entire life 'understanding' her - now I just need to express how I felt/feel about what she/they did, and to be heard..

I also want to get to the next 'stage' in this process - grieving the loss of never having had a real mother, and I believe to get there I need to walk through the anger and whatever else comes my way..

Thank you for taking the time to read this!

[MobiusPsyche]

You wrote "knowing it doesn't make my hurt any less real or justified" and that's exactly right. As a child, one shouldn't have to understand such adult things. And even as adults, we're still entitled to our feelings.

I think this is a good step and as you say a stage you have to go through.

Sent from my mobile device using Tapatalk.

MobiusPsyche, thank you so much for the validation It means a lot!

[RedSun]

D.o.a. I'm sorry that you weren't kept safe.
Are you working with a therapist at the moment? Sounds like you've spent a lot of your life looking after your Mums feelings, it's great that now you are making time for yours.
It's so important.

Thank you, RedSun! I saw a therapist for three years before having to give up my job due to physical illness. Despite not being able to pay her anymore, my therapist still agreed to keep in contact and has been a massive help. It would be easier if I could still go to therapy regularly but at the moment, that's not possible.. Thankfully, there's an abundance of resources available online these days!

[TerriLynn]

I understand where you are coming from. I am having a hard time coming to terms with being angry with people (dad, grandparents, etc.) for not protecting me from SM. I am angry at SM, but my therapist keeps telling me that I am angry at my dad, which makes me angry. I don't want to be angry at my dad! At least you are at the point where you can admit it, I am not there yet!

[bipolar angel]

D.o.a-I'm sorry that your mother did not protect you-the way that she should have! As someone said, you should not have had to understand adult feelings as a child,and your feelings are valid, real and you are entitled to them.
Sending you hugs and support

[Cat_Lover_58]

I'm right in the thick of a similar situation with my mom. I don't know if I'll ever be heard. She's 81 and at this stage of my life (I'm 57) I want to get rid of the weight of rage and suffocating depression. This was not mine to carry...

Sending hugs and good thoughts. Therapy has helped but somehow I think I'm nearing or at the next level. It's hard but worth it in the end. Thanks for being here and sharing your story.

Cat