[bashfulsoul]

Hi all. This is my first post here. I'm not sure if this is exactly the right place for this but I think my story might bear some relevancy and maybe you folks could help me out. It's been on my mind for a while.

I was always a loner as a child. I guess I still kind of am. I had friends that sort of came and went. I was a homebody. I generally believed everything my parents told me and didn't really have any other way of knowing things. Despite my solitary nature I was pretty happy, though I knew I wasn't "normal" like the other boys. I was effeminate. My two most consistent friends were girls. I was bubbly and sometimes campy. I wore brightly coloured clothing. I didn't enjoy typical masculine stuff. This is likely a big part of my lonerism. I was bullied a lot in elementary school for supposedly being gay. They called me all kinds of horrible stuff. But I got through it because I had my parents by my side. What a good child I was.

Then puberty happened. And I started to question my sexual identity. I was terrified because I lived in a small-ish town and there was a lot of prejudice. Sometimes I felt like I was bisexual but I wasn't sure. I felt like a freak in a world full of straight people. I was still pretty effeminate. My parents had always been supportive of me, but for some reason, at that time, its like a switch flipped in my dad's brain. Suddenly he became obsessed with making a "man" out of me - at least, the type of man he thought would be appropriate. Traditionally masculine. Clean cut. Hiding my emotions (I was such an emotional kid). He always had a bit of an angry side - he didn't have a great childhood either and suffered a lot of neglect from his parents and abuse from his brother (only physical, as far as I know). This time though, it was like the anger in him started to really come out and change him. He called me a degenerate. He wanted me to "be a man" and not a "sissy" or whatever variation of that he could think of. He taught me that suddenly it wasn't okay for me to be me. I have fractured memories of myself sitting on the stairs of our old home with him yelling that I need to "grow thicker skin". He became so obsessed with me being a certain way that eventually I folded and tried to do as he said. I felt so betrayed, as if the only people in the world who ever stood by me had suddenly turned and said "no, we do not accept you". It was all anger and control from my father and silence from my mother. Never once did he take the time to figure out who I was, what I valued. I felt truly alone with so many pent up feelings.

Here's where it gets a little darker. So I felt alone. My girl friends lost interest in hanging out with me because I was becoming kinda miserable. I was too scared to fight back so I became very withdrawn, spending most of my time on my laptop in my room. I began to go into online chatrooms looking for other people who were possibly lonely and could maybe understand. This was at an earlier time before chatrooms became safer for kids and people started to get educated. I'd find people who seemed very caring at first and it felt like such a validation. Sometimes the conversation would turn sexual, and I went with it. I was maybe 12 or 13 at the time, I can't remember exactly. I don't know why I did it. Maybe I was scared. Lonely. Wanting some kind of validation. I don't know. But that's when it happened. It feels so gross thinking about it now. There were a lot of men, like middle aged men, who were interested in seeing my child body and I let them see it. It didn't make me feel whole. Or happy. Just kind of numb afterwards. There were a few times I got scared because I thought the person might have taken screencaps of me and kept them or put them online or something. I felt so gross. But it was already done. I was a a pervert and a freak and of course nobody "normal" would love me or want me.

When I was 16, I met up with a middle aged man for sex. We met online and he convinced me to meet up in person. I didn't feel attracted to him. I didn't feel like I liked him. I don't know why I did it. But it just felt gross. It didnt last very long. I got too scared and got up and left, and he didn't stop me which was lucky. But that was my first personal sexual encounter, and it was the beginning of a promiscuity streak that went on for about five years. I am 23 now and I haven't met up with a stranger online in over a year. I don't feel like there's anything wrong with consentual online hookups. I try to be as sex-positive as I can be. But given the circumstances of my early sexual exploration, I felt gross and weird about it. Like it was more of a craving for validation than anything. And I started so young.

It all just makes me feel gross inside. I know how it feels to feel like garbage, to feel like a disgusting horrible person. But I'm not garbage. I'm not a disgusting person. I'm just damaged I guess. Having this secret for so long and feeling so repressed and weird and awful. Like I was turning inward and becoming this detatched miserable person all the while. And having very little by the way of healthy relationships. I had a girlfriend for several months when I was 17. That's the only point where I stopped my habit. I felt so happy with her. We loved each other. I didn't feel like I had to me this big manly guy around her. She didn't trust a lot of men/boys because she had been sexually abused by a family member at a young age. But she felt safe with me. And I felt validated with her. She had severe intimacy issues though. And I guess I did too. Neither of us had great mental health. We ended up breaking up. She was my first (and my last) real relationship. I haven't dated since then (like 5 years) because I felt like I wasn't "good"
enough.

Anywho. I don't know how exactly to wrap this up. Sorry its kind of rambly. But I just have a lot of horrible feelings about this. Was I abused by those men online? Am I gross for caving into sexual pressure from older men? Is that considered abuse? Am I normal for feeling this deep sense of regret, shame, and disgust at myself? Am I justified for feeling traumatized? Is it normal that I don't trust people and have a hard time getting close? Sometimes I get so angry. And that freaks me out because I'm not supposed to be angry. I remember the child I used to be and I feel like that child is still in me but I just have these horrible feelings and trauma that have solidified into self loathing. I've been making a lot of positive changes in my life because I couldn't keep doing this to myself and I want to try to get better and heal that child within. The other day I woke up really early and couldn't get to sleep. My thoughts were too strong. I was angry all day untill I slammed by hand into some dishes and cut my hand up when they shattered.

I don't want this. I want to talk about it. I talked about it with a trusted friend a couple days ago and she was very supportive. I also have a therapist I've been seeing for over a year. I started seeing her for some other unrelated issues but now we talk about a lot of stuff, and I trust her. I feel very safe with her. I've never told anyone else about this and I want to talk with her about it, but I am scared she will think badly of me. I just wanted to know what you folks thought about this and maybe if you could answer some of my questions I'd appreciate that a lot. I don't know what else to say. Sorry for the long post. I just need to get this off my chest.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bashfulsoul: The Skeezyks welcomes you to PsychCentral! May you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

So... to offer some perspective with regard to your questions... yes you most certainly were abused... But no... you are not gross or shameful or any other such thing! The regret, shame & disgust you feel are, I believe, quite normal outgrowths of what was done to you... as is your anger. I'm glad you are seeing a therapist & opening up to other trusted friends. You're on the right track!

[Luce]

Hello from me, too. I don't see you as damaged, disgusting or flawed. You seem to be wonderfully, fallibly human. We humans are such a diverse bunch, and there is such a huge range of normal, human experience. Some cultures / belief systems view some things as wrong or immoral, and they can cause such pain in perfectly normal, loving people. It seems like that kind of belief drove you to seek what you needed (the very real human need for acceptance and belonging) in places that really couldn't offer it. That wasn't your fault - AND many others have done the same thing in similar situations.
I hope, with the help of your therapist, you find your way to peace and self acceptance. You are no less deserving of that than any other person who walks this earth.

[ladyrevan21]

I'm so sorry for what you went through. I'm sorry that your dad was so unaccepting -- that's just horrible. And that you were bullied as well. And what happened with those men. It's not your fault in the slightest. They were pedophiles. What you described the men doing in the chatroom actually sounds a bit like grooming, which is a pretty common tactic.

As for what you feel now, I'd say it's completely normal for someone who's gone through such a horror. As for your therapist -- honestly, most therapists worth their salt won't think badly of you. If she's worth her salt, she won't either. I definitely hope the next sessions go well, and that you can heal.

[bashfulsoul]

Thank you all for the replies.I saw my therapist last week and I did mention the online abuse. She was very supportive and told me it wasn't my fault - that it's never the child's fault. I didn't really mention specifics to her because we were out of time and I waited to bring it up until the end. So I'm seeing her again tomorrow to talk about it more. We've been doing a lot of processing work around my past, and it feels like I am making progress. Still, it's tough to talk about. Thanks for encouraging me

[ladyrevan21]

You've got a good therapist on your hands, you really do. Seriously. And congrats!