[sriracha]

Right now I'm going through a bit of a dilemma. I had an experience that involved some psychological abuse and a sexual assault by someone who (I thought) was close to me. I've been seeing a new therapist for a little over a month, so that's going well. However, in non-clinical, that is to say social and creative situations, I am on the fence about sharing my story with people.
While it's true I have some distrust of people, (which I'm working on), that's not the issue so much as when you spill, you can't take it back and "un-say" something.

This applies to new friends I'm getting to know, but also to a new class I'm in. It's a college program about finding your true, optimal self and learning to be more vulnerable and open, create better relationships and healthy intimacy (of all kinds) and cultivate social and emotional awareness and resilience. (You could say our motto is "Know thyself and love thyself") It feels like a safe, close-knit environment and there are only about 20 people in it, though I'd only be sharing with like 3-4. Abuse and violence has been a theme in our material and discussions.

So far, my class has been pretty helpful, not just for this but in general. There's an assignment about successful/unsuccessful relationships and self-disclosure that may be an opportunity to talk. This would reference it, not tell the full story.

It's like I ask myself, if it's better to free it, maybe even inspiring others to share their's as well (because I'm obviously not alone) at the risk of it being a disaster. Or if it's better to be safe than sorry with the cost of silently holding onto it. I don't want to be defined by it or make other people uncomfortable, but I also want to be honest about a systematic issue in our society that has impacted me so much.

I'm open to opinions but what I am specifically asking is:
(and feel free to share as much or as little as you like)

1. How have you made the choice to disclose or not in the past? How long between the experience and talking about it?

2. How did you tell it? This means how specific and what has or has not worked.

3. Who did you tell, and what was their reaction?

4. What was the ultimate outcome for how you felt afterwards?

Thank you so much for helping out a fellow survivor, peace and best wishes to all of you!

[TishaBuv]

There's no reason to tell something very personal about yourself just because you are in a class that is pressuring you to. The only reason I would share 'my story' is if I really wanted to, felt I needed to, felt it would benefit me to do so and/or felt I wanted to share it thinking it would help someone else who was suffering (like to say 'it happened to me, too'). That being said, I'll answer your questions.

1. I discussed with the people closest to me. Many years after. I have also discussed on here over the past 6 months and found it most helpful. I also discussed with many therapists, finding it not very helpful and very confusing (once you start throwing MI diagnoses into the mix)

2. Phone, in person, talking, writing on here- I told it as it happened and own up to my role.
I think telling someone help us heal, it's human nature to need to talk about it.

3. Nobody really cared. They all have their own problems.

4. In the back of my mind I can say that the reason I have problems now is (maybe) because those things happened to me. So, it's a little comforting to have an excuse and go easy on myself now. Like knowing you have a disability and are limited. But I don't know if any of that is true.

Never air out your dirty laundry in public and this trauma is dirty laundry. Anything personal and private you don't share with the public. Besides people have a way of taking what you went through and making it say what you didn't. If you feel the need to share then in a support group of survivors of abuse is the only place it should be shared with a closed group with a moderator. blessings and tc.

[runlola72]

1. How have you made the choice to disclose or not in the past? How long between the experience and talking about it? Once, in a class I was in, the subject for the week was domestic abuse, and the prof showed a Ted Talk about a woman who was successful and beautiful, not what you'd picture for a victim of DV. The whole point was, DV is all around you, and you may come into contact with folks every day who have lived this hell. Anyway, prof encouraged stories, either personal or people we have worked with (in healthcare field). I was soooo tempted, to tell my story of physical abuse that happened at age 16, because *I* am that person who you'd never guess went through something like this. I ended up feeling like I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, and I didn't want to trigger anyone else who may have been closer to this situation time-wise (for me it was 20 years+ prior). Later, I sort of regretted that decision, because I feel like opening up would have challenged stereotypes, and my classmates were all people who would have patients of their own at some point, and those stereotypes need to be challenged in the clinical setting.

2. How did you tell it? This means how specific and what has or has not worked. I eventually told the nitty gritty for the most part, and how it has affected my relationships today.

3. Who did you tell, and what was their reaction? I ended up sharing the story with two classmates privately. It was more intimate and I knew them well, and it is a huge part of who I am, and I felt like I wanted them to know. They were shocked, which was a good thing, because it likely opened their eyes a bit.

4. What was the ultimate outcome for how you felt afterwards?
I haven't shared it with anyone since, except my T. But even with him I didn't share the more humiliating aspects of the abuse. Partly because I am embarrassed, partly because I wonder what the point is, and partly because he is such a gentleman, and I think sort of religious, so I don't want to offend him. I realize I should be able to say anything to T, so I test the waters bit by bit and hope to open fully to him down the line.

I would think long and hard about disclosing something to a large group. You can't undo that... If you were going into an advocacy role, it might be different...

[WrkNPrgress]

Originally Posted by omegalamed

Never air out your dirty laundry in public and this trauma is dirty laundry. Anything personal and private you don't share with the public. Besides people have a way of taking what you went through and making it say what you didn't. If you feel the need to share then in a support group of survivors of abuse is the only place it should be shared with a closed group with a moderator. blessings and tc.

I have to object to the judgmental and shaming idea that abuse is 'dirty laundry' that the OP should hide as if it was a dirty secret.

I agree that the OP should decide when and where to talk about their situation and do so in a way that feels safe and good to them but treating abuse like a 'dirty secret' is part of the problem.

Shame relies on silence. If OP needs to speak up, s/he has nothing to be ashamed of. Abuse is nothing to be ashamed of, it's something that happens TO somebody.

[WrkNPrgress]

I am about to end an emotionally abusive relationship.

I am terrified right now. But I am talking about it. To my friends, my family and my co-workers (because they are supportive and they see me everyday.) I can only say, it's hard but I'm glad I'm not carrying the shame and silence anymore.

[SheHulk07]

1. How have you made the choice to disclose or not in the past? How long between the experience and talking about it?

I have only told those that I trust the very most, specifically my cousin and just recently a friend that I've known 8 years. I have told my therapists because I felt safe to not be judged or pressured into any actions. Plus, it has a huge impact on my mental health at the moment. I've told my therapist and cousin at the beginning whenot it first started happening.

2. How did you tell it? This means how specific and what has or has not worked.

My cousin knows the majority of the specifics, but I don't get into the nitty gritty with her. I talk to her about it to vent and lighten the mood a bit when I'm feeling down and struggling with it. My therapist knows everything in detail...how it happens, how I feel, what I do in the moment, etc. It's been very helpful for me to process my feelings about it.

3. Who did you tell, and what was their reaction?

My therapists and my cousin, and a very close friend. They all have been very supportive of what I'm going through, and all have offered their help and an ear to talk to.

4. What was the ultimate outcome for how you felt afterwards?

I felt a weight has been lifted off my shoulder that it's not a complete secret that I'm carrying. I'm very careful about who I tell, and am wary of others reactions.

[musicalaspie]

Originally Posted by sriracha

Right now I'm going through a bit of a dilemma. I had an experience that involved some psychological abuse and a sexual assault by someone who (I thought) was close to me. I've been seeing a new therapist for a little over a month, so that's going well. However, in non-clinical, that is to say social and creative situations, I am on the fence about sharing my story with people.
While it's true I have some distrust of people, (which I'm working on), that's not the issue so much as when you spill, you can't take it back and "un-say" something.

This applies to new friends I'm getting to know, but also to a new class I'm in. It's a college program about finding your true, optimal self and learning to be more vulnerable and open, create better relationships and healthy intimacy (of all kinds) and cultivate social and emotional awareness and resilience. (You could say our motto is "Know thyself and love thyself") It feels like a safe, close-knit environment and there are only about 20 people in it, though I'd only be sharing with like 3-4. Abuse and violence has been a theme in our material and discussions.

So far, my class has been pretty helpful, not just for this but in general. There's an assignment about successful/unsuccessful relationships and self-disclosure that may be an opportunity to talk. This would reference it, not tell the full story.

It's like I ask myself, if it's better to free it, maybe even inspiring others to share their's as well (because I'm obviously not alone) at the risk of it being a disaster. Or if it's better to be safe than sorry with the cost of silently holding onto it. I don't want to be defined by it or make other people uncomfortable, but I also want to be honest about a systematic issue in our society that has impacted me so much.

Hey there! Don't feel like you need to disclose unless you feel it will benefit you/improve you/etc. There is no rush to open up!

1. How have you made the choice to disclose or not in the past? How long between the experience and talking about it?

I went through 13 years of child abuse, and have had a ton of people who have not believed me. There are 4 types of abuse- as you're probably aware, and had only brought it up to people I trusted in the past (very few).

2. How did you tell it? This means how specific and what has or has not worked.

I cannot give you every single conversation, but usually if I say: "Hey there. So I need to talk to you about something. It's important, and all I ask for is an open mind." Usually that works and then I discuss it from there.

It has backfired when I am not careful about my approach, or if the person I am talking to is not in the right kind of mood.

3. Who did you tell, and what was their reaction?

My therapists, my friends. My therapists believed me and felt very sorry for me. Some of my friends it took a bit to convince them, but now all of my friends believe me. It can get quite frustrating when we abuse survivors often forget that we can only change ourselves- so it takes time sometimes, but eventually they did believe me. It all depends on what type of abuse. Emotional and verbal abuse is harder to unmask than physical or sexual.

4. What was the ultimate outcome for how you felt afterwards?

I felt more confident and grateful knowing that people actually believed me, especially with the emotional abuse. Physical abuse is easier to prove.

[WrkNPrgress]

1. How have you made the choice to disclose or not in the past? How long between the experience and talking about it?


I've been coming to grips withe abuse in my current relationship over the past couple of years. Though I suspected the behavior qualified as emotional abuse, It was my therapist that put the words to it. From that point forward I could understand and recognize it when it was happening.

I insisted we seek out Couples Counseling, and that has helped with a lot of things between us but the worse behavior still persists. That's the most painful part. On one hand things are getting better and we've learned a lot about ourselves and why we do what we do, but the problem of emotional abuse intermittent or not, still exists and I fear that it could turn physical if I stay.

2. How did you tell it? This means how specific and what has or has not worked.

First, I spent years with my own therapist talking about anything, everything, then when things got worse, I talked it out in couple counseling. Unleashing my hurt and anger in sessions. My partner acknowledged the problem but ... see above.

3. Who did you tell, and what was their reaction?

I had hinted to some close friends we were having problems. My therapists knew the details. My partner even confessed her behavior to a couple of friends in a sign of regret.

At this time, as my decision has been made to protect myself and get out —I am now telling my friends and family and I am finally using the words "emotional abuse". I was scared to say something but I treated it like coming out of the closet. "I have something to say, and it's really hard but —*" I am relieved to confirm that I am surrounded by good people who will love and support me. I can't believe I hid this for so long because I didn't want to bother anyone.

4. What was the ultimate outcome for how you felt afterwards?

I'm still in the process... This is the hard part .. to be continued.