[shezbut]

I struggle with all sorts of relationships. Friends, family, boyfriend, etc. There seems to be a common theme (other than myself) in all of these situations: this feeling that overwhelms me. It's a fear and intense discomfort. I don't know exactly why it strikes when it does, but it scares the heck out of me!

I probably sound like a pretty crummy mommy, but, I readily admit that I am a bit reserved with my daughters. I just.... I don't know how to act with them. I feel uncomfortable being affectionate, so my way of being close and intimate is singing songs & rubbing their backs gently every night before they go to sleep. I try to tell my girls that I love them, but, I feel weird. I'm often reminding myself to reassure them, or go out of my way to praise them. Those things don't instantly come into my mind beforehand. It often takes a few hours to a few days for "the right thing" to pop into my head. Does that make me a heartless mom or something? I do love my daughters ~ I know that I do. But, I have a heck of a time expressing that emotion in a comfortable way. Does this make sense to anyone???

When it comes to romantic relationships, my troubles go up exponentially. I've always felt unlovable, so, I have a hard time trusting men. My past looks like a tornado hit, other than my ex-husband anyway. (knock on wood) But my bf believes that my ex-hub is gay. My bf has told me what a beautiful woman I am & I just cannot buy it. The very next day, he also finds a LOT of women that he sees as drop-dead gorgeous. What does that say about me? I don't even bother trying to tell my bf that I love him. When he tells me, I respond with a "thank you" instead. What else could I possibly say? It's a mess!

I don't have any real-life friends anymore. I have pulled myself away from family as well. I dread any sort of contact with my family due to the past mostly. They all just want to pretend that nothing happened as well as strongly deny my memories when we have talked. That hurts. I purposely repressed, to prevent exactly this from occurring. I was right. I was unloved.

The end result is me just feeling sort of surreal. As though space and time aren't committed. Am I truly connected to anyone on this Earth???

[Grad0507]

I also have a hard time with relationships. When I am with my father I have to plan out ideas to discuss in advance to avoid the proverbial silence. The dysfunctional relationship with my boyfriend of 6 years is ending, and I'm just now learning how to make female friends as an adult (I've been an adult for 11 years).

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[mimsies]

I probably sound like a pretty crummy mommy, but, I readily admit that I am a bit reserved with my daughters.

Actually you sound like a pretty great mommy. You work hard to overcome you reserve and discomfort to show them the love and give them the reassurance they need. That is pretty excellent.

As for the rest... It is something that is difficult and painful for you. You may or may not work on it, and heal and change the way you feel and the way you do things. I know I get it, and this isn't even kinda easy for you. That really isn't your fault.

I think opening up and sharing all this with other people is really... courageous. Thanks. It feels less lonely realizing others struggle with similar issues.

-mimsies

[loveyouhun]

Shezbit,

Is it possible you may have Borderline Personality disorder? I have it and it's sucks. I can't have relationship with anyone. I don't have therapist yet and waiting until June. I would love to cuddle, hold hands, etc. I just don't like having sex with male My sex drive is low too and dry. I know what you mean.

[Open Eyes]

((shez)) you have to connect to yourself "first". You have been invaded as a person in your past, you have not figured out how to make peace with that "yet", be patient with yourself.

Maybe your daughter's are at an age that was especially difficult for you and not realizing it you are pulling back, certainly not because you don't love them, but you are probably feeling insecure and disconnected.

[IrisBloom]

I don't think how you love your kids matters as much as them feeling and knowing they are indeed loved. We are all imperfect and only have so much to work with.

[shezbut]

Originally Posted by loveyouhun

Shezbit,

Is it possible you may have Borderline Personality disorder? I have it and it's sucks. I can't have relationship with anyone. I don't have therapist yet and waiting until June. I would love to cuddle, hold hands, etc. I just don't like having sex with male My sex drive is low too and dry. I know what you mean.

Actually, yes, loveyouhun. I do have BPD (as well as PTSD).