Victim blaming, victim mentality - my thoughts

I have been doing a lot of thinking and reading about victim blaming and "victim mentality" accusations. I'm going to use generic examples only, but applied a trigger warning just in case. I wrote this from the perspective of someone trying to understand how these terms are used, and trying to imagine a logical debate with everyday non-professional people who engage in these accusations.

I think some victim blaming assumes that people have an unlimited ability to overcome a negative circumstance, and that if they don't get better results it's their fault for not being proactive enough. I see that people theoretically have the ability to overcome adversities, but it is their belief that they can't (fear of failure and negative self-image, for example) which may hinder them. In addition, adversity doesn't just disappear because you want it to, or don't want to acknowledge it exists. In these cases, empowering people to see possibilities as well as acknowledging unfair circumstances and the actual causes of these is more effective and logical than simply putting people down.

Another kind of victim blaming comes when people experience some form of crime or abuse, and the blamers point out there are things they could have done to minimize the risk, therefore "they deserved it". In some circumstances there may be logical precautions one can take (it's going to vary a lot based on specific circumstances), however this type of victim blaming also has the implication that not only is the world imperfect, and that other people do bad things, there is nothing you can do to change it, and you are obliged to be a bit paranoid and protect yourself only. It implies that nobody who is doing wrong has to change, or maybe change is not possible, therefore only you have to change, to accomodate their bad behaviors!!! That strikes me as very wrong. What about holding abusive people accountable? What about doing something to move society and individuals toward a better level of behavior? Why ONLY focus on what someone could potentially have done to minimize a possible risk? Why do we have to simply put up with the risk - which is based on other people's wrong actions - and assume it can't or shouldn't be improved? It isn't logical to say a victim could have potentially protected themselves (hindsight is 20/20) and gloss over the fact that a perpetrator should not be perpetrating!

Bias and prejudice also feeds into victim blaming. A person who is seen as socially acceptable may be treated too leniently or as more believable if they victimize someone seen as socially less acceptable, for example. "Social acceptability" here is not an absolute - it can change greatly depending on social groups and their beliefs about the world. The best way to overcome this would be to be more aware of social biases and prejudices, and spread the truth. One has to speak and own one's own truth, and not allow judgmental and narrow minded people to occupy space in one's mind - a worthy ideal, but easier said than done.

People also talk about the "victim mentality". It may be technically accurate as a label for some ways in which an abused person might think, feel and behave, but I personally find it too accusatory. When I think about how a so-called victim mentality might be a legitimate hindrance to someone, I think of a person who:

* Expects to be on the receiving end of bad behavior or events, and is hypervigilant for these;
* Believes they can do nothing about it or that the situation will not improve;
* Acts helpless, dependent, defensive, and seeks constant validation because of the above.

If someone has a self-defeating victim mentality, they're basically acting helpless and scared (being genuinely victimized can and does have that effect!). It can come out as annoying behaviors to others because of how they might display this or attempt to cope with it. The logical thing to do to help such a person change may be to get them to confront their fears, reality check, and empower themselves - dismissing their concerns out of hand or simply complaining that they are "playing a pity card" isn't going to improve anything!

I acknowledge that some people COULD seek to manipulate others with a victim mentality that is disingenuous - in other words, they're just purely playing on people's empathy and taking advantage of it in a calculated, scheming way. I wonder how it is possible to identify a genuine vulnerable victim mentality (which is understandable) from the purely cynical manipulativeness of "crocodile tears"?

It may be that some people have fallen prey to a fake victim mentality and now assume that anything resembling it must be a cynical ploy? There surely must be ways of "reality checking" so that people can better differentiate between a truly vulnerable person and a crafty manipulator. There's a big difference between playing the role of a victim, and actually being one, but tricky for others to differentiate when outward signs might appear similar.

So, my conclusions are as follows:

Victim blaming acknowledges that people have the potential capacity to plan for and control negative events, however instead of being used to empower, it is used to accuse. It also fails to acknowledge that factors external to the victim can and should be recognized and changed. This is where the belief that one can and should have control over one's environment and have personal responsibility wanders off a logical cliff. It has some validity but also falls victim itself (!) to a narrow vision of what is really going on. Victim blaming has a component of bias and prejudice. Owning one's own truth, resisting absorbed shame, and spreading awareness of stigma can counteract this.

The victim mentality exists but this term itself is too accusatory. Seen from the sufferer's perspective it is actually learned helplessness and fear, exhibited by psychological defenses that keep a person stuck in a disempowered state. It is unwise to simply dismiss it as selfishness, attention seeking, or bids for sympathy. This approach will only increase the person's self-doubts and make counterproductive psychological defenses worse. The right way to help heal a victim mentality is to encourage the person to face their fears and empower themselves. Yelling at and judging a frightened person is not going to make them feel any more secure.

Some people throw the term "victim mentality" around as a description of people who cynically try to get sympathy and are not truly a victim of anything. Sometimes this meaning of the term to is incorrectly applied to abuse survivors, because people don't understand or don't want to acknowledge what is really going on.

I'm wondering when someone will point out "I'm a survivor, not a victim!" Good point. Having been through any negative situation - overt abuse of any kind, some difficult hardship - a person has been a victim, but also has survived the experience. I know the goal is to process, heal, learn, and move on to greater things; to move from powerlessness to empowerment.

I am posting this in the hopes that some of you who have been the recipients of victim blaming or accused of having a victim mentality might feel a bit more reassured and empowered today, and understand possible reasons why some people do this.

I stand with you.

Thanks for your post. I hate the assumption that a person has control when they are assaulted by someone. I believe it's a myth that others parrot to feel more secure, that "that will never happen to me!" (have also read this many times, and agree with it.)

Add other trauma to the mix, like childhood abuse or mental illness, and I hate the smugness of the assumption that you should just be able to shake off your past, slap on a smile, and onward to success! Dismissing someone who has been through traumatic events as selfish, attention seeking, etc just shows ignorance. While I wouldn't wish these things on anyone else, it seems the only way someone can truly understand is after it happens to them. Until then, it's just speculation, best intentions. This doesn't mean that others can't be helpful or healing or supportive, but their ability to understand is limited.

(((Onward2wards))))

Thank you for your post. My own T blamed me...I can't go into all the terrible details but he hurt me more than anyone in my life and I have been hurt plenty. I don't understand why because I thought a T was supposed to help and I never believed in a million years he would hurt me. Well I had a wake up call there.

What I really wanted to say is I don't know how anyone could ever blame me for being sad. I never asked anyone for anything.....except maybe I asked a T.

I think all of us at one time or another ask "what could I have done to avoid....." If I could have avoided my abusing T, I would have - had I known what he was doing.

I'm thankful you wrote ["It implies that nobody who is doing wrong has to change, or maybe change is not possible, therefore only you have to change, to accomodate their bad behaviors!!! That strikes me as very wrong. What about holding abusive people accountable? What about doing something to move society and individuals toward a better level of behavior?"] This is powerful. I believed, and I guess still do, that I am the one who has to learn how to deal with the' abusers. I think I choose to lock myself off of society because there are too many abusers and people who "protect abusers and make excuses for them". It's like they will have their way and I will lose over and over again. That is the reality.

I cannot overcome the prejudice in my life. Too many people support it. I didn't realize how many until my T brought all the miserable people out into the open, including himself! I was put in an awful situation by a cruel T and cohorts who are just as bad as he is. I can't handle it and I don't care what label he wants to put on it. My T is not the judge over my life. He has no idea... he's absolutely clueless.....to my disgust and utter sorrow.

I'm not saying anything of value here, just ranting but I want to thank Onward2wards for writing this very thoughtful post.

(((Onward2wards))))

Thank you for sharing.

I know I've definitely been blamed and my response to that is it takes what it takes to recover. You also learn who to talk to and who not to talk to.
I think that is why a mental health professional can be so helpful. Sometimes talking to the wrong person can victimize a person all over again, especially if the abuse takes place within a family or community and people know both parties. I think one of the most shaming and harmful things to victims is when people have to "be fair to both parties". That is especially damaging in case of narcissistic abuse where that is part of the damage that is done already. I think the best places to go for help are anonymous groups and therapy.

as an exercise, i google/searched: "from Victim to Survivor"
and was astonished at the amount of articles and information available.

Yes I'm a moderator in a survivor community .

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"fair to both parties"?? I don't see how that is possible or even something to strive for. Why would anyone want to support the abuser? I'm out....

It happens when the abuser is a narcissist. They have something called flying monkeys. I've experienced it myself. I'm not saying I endorse that. There is a great YouTube channel that deals with this sort of thing.

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Ty 02, Too many people out there drinking hatorade it seems, whether it's in my head, and therefore the cause of my actions, or because it just is, and i can't seem to overcome it's there. It's annoying and there.

Love the post. My first T was a ***** and blamed me for **** plus sided with my abusive parents. I have these now ex friends who said I have a victim mentality (we weren't talking about abuse but a different topic).

Flying monkeys? Yea seen them, dealt with them a lot, etc such a waste of air to be around them because they know everything.