[bouncy mcplaymat]

Hi,
This is my first post on any forum that I can think of, ever. I appreciate that this forum is available and I am hoping to help myself find answers for an issue I've had in my life for quite some time.

I'll try to be brief in explaining, but, essentially, my mother in-law is an emotionally abusive person. She fits classifications for several personality disorders. I'm not a professional in the field, so I try not officially tag her as histrionic or narcissistic, but it seems accurate. I can say that she is toxic. I've known my wife for about 14 years and I could always tell that there was something wrong with the relationship between her and her mother. They argued a lot in really nasty terms, her mom always had to see her, her mom bought ridiculous amounts of gifts and never let us pay for anything, so on and so forth. Unfortunately and admittedly, I was always passive about it and just tried to be referee or just stay out of it. Again, I don't want this post to be crazy long, so I'll just leave any specific instances out.

My passive behavior changed when my wife and I had our first child. I couldn't sit around while my wife was getting abused so I stood up to the mother in-law. I didn't want that behavior around my child. It got to the point where we broke off communication. The mother in-law has been harassing us via text (her number is blocked but she uses her bfs phone), phone (using *67 or whatever it is or other numbers), and she dropped a butt ton of toys off on our front porch just the other day. We have not contacted her other than one instance in which my wife answered the phone because it was from a different number.
Sorry, this post is getting long. Anyway, I think I broke down under all of the pressure of the harassment and grew anxious and depressed. I became suicidal (to an extent, no ideation), and thankfully I broke down enough to tell my wife that I think I needed professional help. I went to my first therapy session yesterday. I'll go back to see what the therapist has to say, but I don't know how that will turn out.

Is there anything that I can do now to help my mood? I've been depressed and I think my wife is as well. It's just an aura not between us but in general. We have a really great relationship for the most part.

Thanks, in advance.

[Skeezyks]

Hello bouncy mcplaymat: I'm sorry you & your wife are finding yourselves to be in this difficult situation. I don't know as I have anything specific to offer here. I think the main thing is to make sure you & your wife keep talking through what is going on... & also be sure to make some time to do some fun things together when possible. It would be easy for the two of you to become overwhelmed by the situation. At some point you might consider some couples counseling.

Beyond that there are, of course, the usual recommendations, watch your diet (easy on the caffeine) , get plenty of exercise & quality sleep. Some people find a meditation practice to be helpful as well. There really aren't any secrets out there you haven't heard of.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

[Travelinglady]

Welcome to Psych Central, bouncy! I'm sorry you must live with this holy terror in the family. It's up to your wife to stand up to her mom. Take her side on issues if they occur around you.

Meanwhile, you are smart to be getting into therapy yourself. I hope your therapist can give you some pointers on how to deal with your M-I-L.

Also, don't feel guilty about not seeing her and not responding to her messages. Leave the answering machine on and if you "hear" from her, pay no attention, but immediately erase it. Staying away seems to be the right thing for now. And let the kids enjoy those toys!

I find that doing things I enjoy helps me. I read funny things, watch light TV or comedy, stay away from drama. I also get out with friends and shop. Do you like sports? Get into them more, etc. And try to relax, knowing you are receiving professional help.

And do fun things with your wife--act like you're dating again!

I feel sad for your wife. I was an emotionally abused daughter.

P.S. I am not a therapist, so I encourage you to run these ideas by him/her.

[Open Eyes]

My passive behavior changed when my wife and I had our first child. I couldn't sit around while my wife was getting abused so I stood up to the mother in-law. I didn't want that behavior around my child. It got to the point where we broke off communication.

Being passive can mean "avoiding confrontation" because that is something that really bothers you, perhaps even makes you feel uncomfortable and helpless. You made it a point to stand up for yourself and this very strong minded mother/mother in law is retaliating which means she is being "confrontational". It sounds like both you "and" your wife don't like "confrontation" and are passive to avoid it and give in and even allow others to invade your boundaries to avoid it. But, you stood your ground, which is a "good for you", but because that has made this strong minded mother in law desire "confrontation" because she has learned how to "get her way" probably all her life, she is draining and depressing you because she is being "relentlessly pursuing you". It sounds like her generosity is something she does to gain "power" and "empower herself", almost like "you need to love and appreciate me because I am so generous". She buys her way into a relationship and that can cause problems, as you have learned.

It is going to be a challenge for the two of you, has been a challenge for your wife, and you have recognized that. But, your wife needs to set "her" boundaries because this "mother-in-law" needs to learn how to let go and let her daughter have her "own" life now and her "own" family.

You may need to find a therapist to help you with this challenge, someone you can vent to and help you stay on track with setting your boundaries and not getting so depressed over doing so.

Originally Posted by bouncy mcplaymat

My passive behavior changed when my wife and I had our first child. I couldn't sit around while my wife was getting abused so I stood up to the mother in-law. I didn't want that behavior around my child. It got to the point where we broke off communication. The mother in-law has been harassing us via text (her number is blocked but she uses her bfs phone), phone (using *67 or whatever it is or other numbers), and she dropped a butt ton of toys off on our front porch just the other day.

Wow.

You've made a courageous and justifiable decision to cut off communication; her continued behavior could be interpreted as stalking or harassment and perhaps should be treated as such. I'm thinking TRO, which is a fairly thermonuclear reaction against an abusive MIL, but it sounds like you are really suffering and instinctively want to protect your child.

Congratulations on taking a stand. Did your therapist have anything constructive to offer during your first session?

I would return the toys, even if it takes two trips to carry a butt-ton. 'Enjoying the toys' like they make everything OK seems counterproductive.

[bouncy mcplaymat]

Thanks for your reply and thank you for welcoming me. I've never been the type to be comfortable with talking about feeling and emotions, but I've been doing a better job of it lately. I know I have to watch my physical issues with lack of sleep, good diet, and lack of exercise, but I appreciate you reiterating it. I've never really been the healthy type, but now that I'm in my 30s I do take that stuff more seriously. I do try to take time to do what I like, but anything I do is done with the weight of depression. Sometimes I'm ok, but the thoughts linger in the back of my mind. I hope therapy will help me express myself better because I think I'm typically introverted at least in terms of emotions. Thanks again for your reply.

[bouncy mcplaymat]

Thanks for your reply. If I can be candid, I really have no problem with seeing her or hearing from her ever again. A while back I told my wife that I'll do whatever I need to be cordial with her (MIL) for the sake of family, but I'll never like her (MIL). I recognized pretty quickly that she was not normal (which is ok), but only recently did I understand relationship toxicity. I'm not going to go into any slanderous rants, but let's just say she is impossible to work with. Thanks for the suggestions, too. I did feel better after the first counseling session, but I also understand that it is a process. I think part of the reason I signed up for Psych Central was the same reason I'm seeking counseling. Not for affirmation, but just for an opportunity to talk. Thanks, again.

And, I know that me saying that I am sorry for what you've had to go through is superficial, so I'd rather say thank you for offering your experiences and being relatable. It is appreciated. I hope you are pursuing peace of mind as well.

[bouncy mcplaymat]

Thanks for your reply. I would rather avoid the legal route, but it has been something I've though about. Unfortunately, many people (my family) don't understand what I'm going through and it's tough for them to relate. They support me, but I feel that don't completely understand. The MIL is superficially nice to others and generous with money, but that is just to buy power I now fully realize. I'm going to drop the toys off at a charity thrift store. I'm disgusted to even look at them.

Anyway, the first session was good, I guess. I have no metric to gauge as this is my first time. I felt better being able to talk to someone, especially someone with no skin in the game. And, my wife has been supportive about it, so that is nice as well.