[MtnTime2896]

Almost everyone who visits this forum has suffered some form of abuse. There are many of us, not all, who have opted over and over again to say nothing about their abuse. Even when directly confronted, I've still said that it wasn't happening. Even when my head hurt and I could hardly walk because of the pain in my back, I still said that I was sore from playing football. Even when I was talking to the only person I ever came close to telling, and him asking me if I was okay; I said nothing about what my dad told me on a daily basis and how it had gotten to the point where I was planning on ending my life.
I know I'm not the only person who has opted to say nothing but still don't know why I did it and why others don't as well. Why do we stay silent when we're desperate for it to stop? Why do we defend our abusers?

[TishaBuv]

Because it was someone others knew, and we'd get fall out from that.

[BrazenApogee]

because when we do try to tell people turn their backs on us.

[ThisWayOut]

Sometimes I would start to say something, and it would catch in my throat. I couldn't get the words out...

Our abusers often threaten and condition us to carry their blame, shame and secrets ...



It took a while, but I'm glad I finally found the courage to break the silence!

[nicoleflynn]

I have talked about it a lot, and written about it in my memoir. Knowing the difference between OUR stuff and THEIR stuff, is a big key. Abusers CHOOSE their behavior; no one makes them do it. I think talking about it is helpful, otherwise it stays inside of us and is damaging. You would be surprised if when talking to someone, they too....were abused;it is so widespread.. I never blamed myself; the blame and shame belong to the abusers.

[mindwrench]

The only people I ever admitted my abuse to, were those who had witnessed some of it and I could not deny it, though I only acknowledged what they knew about. Even when the school system realized something was wrong, and sent me to regular sessions with the school counselor, I said nothing that would draw attention to those responsible. The several T's I had as a child, I never said anything. In retrospect, when your abusers drive you to therapy and wait nearby, how could I confide anything.

[MtnTime2896]

Originally Posted by ThisWayOut

Sometimes I would start to say something, and it would catch in my throat. I couldn't get the words out...

That's something that has happened to me. Hell, it still does. There are people who know about it but that's because it doesn't really happen anymore. Have you ever been able to move past this so that you can at least give them the basics?

[MtnTime2896]

Did any of you ever feel like maybe, if you talked, you would betray them? Because you love them, they hurt you all the time but you still love them. There are times when it's good and you aren't scared of them and because of that you believe that they don't deserve to be told on? That if you ever said anything, then maybe you would be the bad guy?
I'm older now but I still feel like this. Maybe they hit and treated me like dirt me because I needed to be hit and was asking for it? I don't know, this stuff has just been rattling around in my head pretty intensely over the past few weeks.

[BrazenApogee]

I hate when I tell people even bits of it, they assume I am bad. Maybe I am projecting sometimes, because I feel bad. I have had people freak out and call me bad. I hate the stigma. I feel like a thing, not a person. I just want to be a person.

[MyPOV]

I wasn't physically abused, but I never talked about it, because the emotional abuse was deemed normal in my family. It was hidden and I didn't understand it until I get into therapy at near 40 years old.

[TerriLynn]

When I was little, I didn't tell because of two reasons, first, if I wasn't believed, then they talked to the abuser about it, then I would really get it. Second, if I WAS believed, then they talked to the abuser about it, then I would really get it.

Couldn't win for losing.

Several years ago, I told my dad everything. He didn't believe me. So I know now, if I push it, I could lose that relationship altogether. I am not ready to do that yet. But maybe someday.

[Unrigged64072835]

I didn't speak about the abuse because I felt no one really cared about my problems. That was how my parents acted towards me, and that was how I projected it onto the world.

Now that my parents and ex-husband are dead I can talk about it more.

[kindachaotic]

Only thing I can say about physical abuse is that it happened.
It's just too painful.
Therapy thru the years helped immensely. I felt comfortable opening up to someone who didn't know anyone I spoke of.
Know this doesn't happen often but the abuser eventually wanted to make amends with me & I am a forgiving person. Also make me feel I wasn't such a bad human being after all.
Turns out my abuser was physically, verbally & emotionally abused growing up.

[TerriLynn]

Originally Posted by kindachaotic

Only thing I can say about physical abuse is that it happened.
It's just too painful.
Therapy thru the years helped immensely. I felt comfortable opening up to someone who didn't know anyone I spoke of.
Know this doesn't happen often but the abuser eventually wanted to make amends with me & I am a forgiving person. Also make me feel I wasn't such a bad human being after all.
Turns out my abuser was physically, verbally & emotionally abused growing up.

Nope, that doesn't often happen, but so wonderful you got that. I think that is all most of us really want.

[Luce]

I told someone as a child. It did not turn out well for me. As an adult I protect my abusers. I don't know why. They are family. They are well known and respected in the community. The family façade has been maintained for decades. I still keep their secrets from everyone who knows us. I only tell my Ts.
Mt t once said "If you told on him he would be in a LOT of trouble." That thought freaks us out. We don't want him to get in trouble .
It's funny. I am going through a horrible workplace situation where a colleague is gaslighting me, and after months and months of suffering I have finally told management about what is happening and that I can no longer work in that environment. Management understands. And yet I feel compelled to add this caveat on it - I can't deal with the situation because of me, but I don't want the colleague to get in trouble. Please remove me from the situation but 'don't say anything to the person who is in the wrong'.

Obviously I am playing a huge part in the silence game here.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

I told someone as a child. It did not turn out well for me. As an adult I protect my abusers. I don't know why. They are family. They are well known and respected in the community. The family façade has been maintained for decades. I still keep their secrets from everyone who knows us. I only tell my Ts.
Mt t once said "If you told on him he would be in a LOT of trouble." That thought freaks us out. We don't want him to get in trouble .
It's funny. I am going through a horrible workplace situation where a colleague is gaslighting me, and after months and months of suffering I have finally told management about what is happening and that I can no longer work in that environment. Management understands. And yet I feel compelled to add this caveat on it - I can't deal with the situation because of me, but I don't want the colleague to get in trouble. Please remove me from the situation but 'don't say anything to the person who is in the wrong'.

Obviously I am playing a huge part in the silence game here.

That sounds very much like me too. I'm going back and sorting out things as they come to me, but I have not gotten to the core of that in myself.

I never want to make anyone mad or hurt their feelings, no matter how mean or abusive they were/are to me. I believe that it's a fear of retribution. I fear of the punishment that would come if I stood up for myself.

[Luce]

Originally Posted by TrailRunner14

That sounds very much like me too. I'm going back and sorting out things as they come to me, but I have not gotten to the core of that in myself.

I never want to make anyone mad or hurt their feelings, no matter how mean or abusive they were/are to me. I believe that it's a fear of retribution. I fear of the punishment that would come if I stood up for myself.

I agree. I also think it is because several of us are still bonded to the abusers in some way.

[TrailRunner14]

Originally Posted by Luce

I agree. I also think it is because several of us are still bonded to the abusers in some way.

I agree. I pray I become strong enough to see the truth and have courage to be brave.

I pray that for you too.

[Fuzzybear]