Lack of Memories

So, my mother has told me at times that when I was a child (baby/toddler) that she was afraid of me -- terrified as if I were possessed (not that really believed I was possessed, but it was like that). She admitted to often crying in the bathtub as I was child -- but never really explained more than her fear of me. I am not sure if that fear was about her fearing her inability to parent me or what.

My dad, I have no real memories of him really taking care of a really young child. I really don't many memories from before the age of four. Does anyone? I think what I have are body memories, like my therapist says, I have memories in my body (rather than intellectual memories) of a feeling of abandonment when my mother checked out because of her fear.

I don't really know anything about abandonment and baby/toddlers where the parent still provided the necessities, but was emotionally distraught -- which I am sure she was when she had to deal with me.

Now, I don't blame her for any of the issues I experience today or have experienced until now -- she wasn't aware of the impact it might have had, so she is blameless....

I am curious if anyone else has similar experience and what the impact has been on you?

Currently I am diagnosed as bi-polar, primarily depressed which results in explosions of aggressiveness and verbal cruelty to people around me -- thus why I am in therapy.

Thanks for reading, curious to see your responses.

My older sister did that with her son. Believed for a time that he was possessed. She didn't really want to care for him and only did when she had to. I ended up taking care of him a lot. I felt bad for his older brother because all he saw was me spending more time with his little brother and not enough with him. Thing is, his older brother actually was being showed love by his mother while his little brother wasn't. I didn't want my little nephew to ever feel abandoned. It was entirely his mother's fault; she suffered from mental illness that didn't allow for her to get past it for a while. It never personally happened to me, as far as I know. My abandonment didn't take place until later on in life. I think my nephew has the same issues as you though. Even though I always showed him I loved him, I couldn't be there all of the time.
Good luck and welcome to PC.

Hello MyPOV: The Skeezyks has essentially no reliable recollection of anything prior to the age of about 8. And now that I'm aging, what I do have is becoming more fuzzy.

I was an only child. And my parents would often tell me about things that happened with me when I was still very young. Consequently, with a lot of the memories I do have from my early years, I can't be certain if I actually remember them directly, or if I remember them because my parents talked to me about them when I was older (i.e. a teenager.) My parents are long since deceased now.

There are some snippets of memory I have that I know my parents didn't tell me about later because they weren't present. There were a couple of things that supposedly happened that may have been of great significance throughout my life. But I'll never know now. My history is a twisted ball of wire that will never be untangled.

I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

Yeah -- can relate. THe memories I do have, like helping my dad make a fried egg sandwich and him explaining that it had have both mustard and ketchup....IDK why that stuck -- maybe because it was moment when I did something with my dad where he didn't get frustrated with my hyper overly sensitive self.