[wickedwings]

TRIGGER WARNING: this is about animals, so if you're too sensitive to animal cruelty, beware...........
bawling:

i was so very young. i was born deaf and knew only two words, i think. i was outside on the back porch at my dad's house (my parents were in the process of divorce - i was at the age of 3). the yard was lined with a high wooden fencing. my dad got a few cats, possibly young cats, but not kittens. they were not mine or my dad's. he took a hunting knife and cut them up. they cried (i had hearing aid that were boxes with wires going to my earpieces). he dumped them on the cement floor, while they were still crying. i picked them up, and i don't know how they didn't bite me. they still cried, covered in blood. their pain became my pain. i tried to make it stop, tried so hard by reaching so deep into my brain for a power to undo it all. they all died in my arms.

for years while growing up, i thought i made them up and that i was insane. i got hysterical when i got triggered. it wasn't until after i accidentally killed my second cat that i first told anyone about this 14 years ago. having flashbacks of it made me feel like i was doing the cutting and the killing. the hands i was seeing all those years, which i had thought were mine, were actually my dad's.

this hurts far worse than when my dad raped me and made me bleed. i don't tell many people about what happened with my second cat because not many people understand this. of course, i was told that this is common. since i worked hard on memories and triggers, i hardly get flashbacks, except for once a year or two. sure hurts. i always loved cats, and it was so against the core of my being that it was so difficult for me when it happened. i was so willing to die for my cats, even for those my dad killed.

for those who are reading, i am terribly sorry. i do not wish this to trigger you. i don't know why i felt like posting this, even though i got over it. i guess, you never get over it, in a way. seems like when i reached so far into my brain to somehow stop it, something in my brain broke.

oh ww, I'm so sad you had to see that. That is so horrible. I'm sending gentle caring thoughts that will hopefully comfort you.

[pachyderm]

(((wickedwings))))))

I have two cats now, so I can imagine how you feel. They too are fellow creatures.