[xRavenx]

I am starting to notice some troubling patterns in me, and my past is coming back up....

I was sexually assaulted around age 21 by a stranger. Prior to that, I was in a very tumultuous relationship where I had difficulties breaking away from a person I was involved with.
He went from being really nurturing during sex to all of the sudden me being called very degrading names and intentionally humiliated during sex. I felt worthless and as if I'd never be good enough for anyone.

I numbed myself and already had low self-esteem at the time and blamed myself a lot....so it happened repeatedly. There was some attachment to this person who abused me, although I resented him for it. I blamed myself for starting out consenting to sex with him, but then he would get forceful and degrading during the act, even when I fought back. I still admit to self-blame. However, I found it in me to break free from him years ago and never contacted him again.

I was in my teen years and going through a very difficult time too where I did not feel accepted by family during the time of that relationship. When the assault happened when I was around 21, I also placed a lot of guilt on myself too....thinking, why did I go with my friend to someone's house who she barely knew? I know it was not my fault, but now I feel a lot of anger and very vulnerable when I'm in a relationship.

During certain sexual experiences, I get triggered, especially if it is the other person telling me to do something. The degrading names I was called and other forms of humiliation come back to me. I really do not know where to begin when it comes to recovering from all of this. Will these triggers ever go away? (I ask myself). Any feedback on the healing from similar experiences? Do you trust people more now? I never talk about this with others in real life, so thanks for listening.

[Open Eyes]

I think that you have to come to understand that there are a lot of people in this world that are dysfunctional and these individuals can be very deceptive because they have learned to manipulate to get what they want. You have to come to a level of understanding about "yourself" in that just because you experience someone who is dysfunctional as you have described, it's not "your fault" or that the other individual's dysfunction is not your fault either.

Please know that dysfunctional people leave a trail of victims and each and every victim often needs to reach out for help to recover and heal. At the ages you have described being when you were a victim, it is actually very normal not to have the skills to identify these kind of dysfunctional people, this is also precisely why these dysfunctional people prey on these age groups too.

[Falconer]

It's tough, but it gets better. I was hurt in similar ways over the years, and I'm much better now. I learned that sex is supposed to be trusting and positive. You are entitled to consensual intimacy and love. Don't blame yourself - people like that seek out vulnerable people. When you are young, you can't protect yourself 100%.

The triggers take time to overcome. Have you tried a safe word? I used a safe word for several years to show my partner when I was uncomfortable. Now, I don't need one! But it helps while you're healing. The triggers do fade away. Allow yourself time and be gentle.

Another thing I did was take it super, super slow into intimacy with a new partner. This is took careful thought and acknowledging that I didn't owe anyone anything. It weeds out the selfish people. My current partner was patient and willing to wait until I was comfortable.

I also practice being vocal about my feelings. I even practice in the mirror, saying, "No, I don't like that" or "I like this but not that." Makes it easier to talk to my partner.

Also, a good sex therapist can help, too. They can help with healing.

I also write about my feelings, a lot. I found a place to hide a private journal and wrote letters to the people who hurt me, never sent them, as they were for my healing.

[xRavenx]

Thanks for the replies. It really does help to hear all of this.

Originally Posted by Falconer

It's tough, but it gets better. I was hurt in similar ways over the years, and I'm much better now. I learned that sex is supposed to be trusting and positive. You are entitled to consensual intimacy and love. Don't blame yourself - people like that seek out vulnerable people. When you are young, you can't protect yourself 100%.

The triggers take time to overcome. Have you tried a safe word? I used a safe word for several years to show my partner when I was uncomfortable. Now, I don't need one! But it helps while you're healing. The triggers do fade away. Allow yourself time and be gentle.

Another thing I did was take it super, super slow into intimacy with a new partner. This is took careful thought and acknowledging that I didn't owe anyone anything. It weeds out the selfish people. My current partner was patient and willing to wait until I was comfortable.

I also practice being vocal about my feelings. I even practice in the mirror, saying, "No, I don't like that" or "I like this but not that." Makes it easier to talk to my partner.

Also, a good sex therapist can help, too. They can help with healing.

I also write about my feelings, a lot. I found a place to hide a private journal and wrote letters to the people who hurt me, never sent them, as they were for my healing.

I never tried a safe word....that's a good idea. Hopefully I'll feel more comfortable talking about my feelings with my partner. He does make an effort to make sure I'm comfortable.

I do like writing a lot too, actually. I try to channel my anger into writing sometimes. I'm also working on the concept that I believe there's a lot of good in the world, it's just a matter of not allowing the bad to take over my sense of wellbeing. Music helps a lot too as an outlet and so do lyrics I can relate to.