Missing what you never had?

I wonder if there's anyone else feeling like this.. Or, I know there are, way too many

For years now, I've worked to connect with some feelings I'd buried deep within.. Just in the last few days, I've come into contact with this deep grief over the dad I never had

My dad's always been physically present in my life, but he's got this destructive rage inside of him that made me not want to be anywhere near him.. I must have been only a baby when I realised this. I know that probably sounds unbelievable, but it's true. Like my former therapist said, babies are in direct contact with the world - it's all already there except for the words to express themselves..

What I find myself missing now is physical contact with a dad - you know, the actual feeling of being held, of having these strong arms around me that could protect me. I never had that.. Just a dad who didn't want to be there.

I feel I just needed to share how I'm feeling.. And I'd 'love to' (obviously, wouldn't wish this on anyone but since it does happen..) hear other people's experiences of missing and grieving what they never had.. How does it feel? How have you been able to get to the other side, or how are you getting there..?

All the best

My father was pretty similar...he'd always be workng, so he was never present almost ever. He isolated himself in his room. The few times he would come out would be to eat, or to yell at me...sometimes both, and otherwise make me feel horrible about myself, and belitttle and de-legitimize my emotional state, among a lot of other things. I remember how I'd be walking towards his room, even to use the bathroom, and the moment I got within 15 ft of the door at the end of the hall I'd be frozen with paralyzing fear. I'd also become tense, and panicky whenever I so much as heard him walk down the hall.

I don't really "miss" the physical contact, to be honest, but that's probably because its almost impossible to miss something you never had. I can count on one hand the number of affectionate actions my father did throughout all my life living with him. Each and every one initiated by me as well.

Its been hard now, after coming out of my house and hearing other people's relationships with their parents, how different and how much I didn't have what most people did, and I'm still processing it...I don't understand how other people can even have relationships with their parents (since I didn't have one), and my emotional development is severely stunted, so I'm unable to feel, recognize, or process emotions like love, compassion, empathy, or anything of the like. I just become terribly confused from them if someone does something based on them.

With that said, the neglect and abuse my parents put me through, and the psychological consequences of the way my father "parented" robbed me of really having a childhood, and I feel like dealing with direct and indirect consequences is further robbing me of my young adulthood as well. I feel helpless and hopeless most of the time, and like my life is just doomed to this.

I never had a dad growing up, either

yeah, I miss not having a male figure in my life- though I also miss having loving parents



it's been the hardest thing- growing up without the support of my own flesh and blood. I remember many times where i've been scared, or i've been in need of a cuddle, and it's just not their- they just shut me out.

same for financial stuff too

how do I cope?. I don't knoow. I think i've learned that they are bad people, and having them in my life just causes problem after problem

it's all you can really do

can I add that not a day goes by where i wish i was adopted.

every day I wonder what it would have been like if i was adopted in to a loving, caring, understanding family

I never knew my father; met him when I was 33. I never remember it affecting me growing up, but I have a poetry book with a poem: The Fatherless Child.....it obviously DID affect me but on a subconscious level. If you would like a copy of the book, you can pm me and I will send one.

My mother was abusive, so was kind of a parentless upbringing.

I used my life story to win a scholarship at 60 and am a Sophomore at 69..In other words, I used the "ashes" of my life to my advantage.

I know the feeling. Irregardless my life would have been much different. It didn't help things that, despite their already abusive behavior, the worse was not yet upon me until I became a young adult, and my parents were informed about my being LGBT+, specifically since they were extremely conservative and religious, so they became much more abusive on top of everything after that.

If I'd actually had a family that, you know, actually functioned like a family, I wouldn't be dealing with a lot of the practical problems I'm struggling with now...I'd actually have support in my finances and getting medical care.

sadly we can't go back (I wish we could)

for the rest of our lives, we have to live with the fact that our families wern't supportive of us- with me, my parents were never their for me, never loved for me, cared for me, anything like that.. and by the time i was diagnosed with a mental illness, it was like- well we always hated you, and now we hate you even more- get out of our family

I wasn't supported by my parents either. They were too busy fighting with each other and beating me and my brother up. When I joined the military I hardly heard from them, and when I did hear from my mother she was drunk.

It sucked but I had to learn to give myself what they couldn't give me. Otherwise I would keep trying to find it in other people, who just couldn't do that.

If you can find a therapist it would be helpful because one gets to a point where they need to grieve whatever was "lost" because they did not have the right kind of parenting. Grieving is "healthy" and part of making peace with yourself and going forward in spite of whatever was "lost" to you.

I know the feeling too. very well.

Hello, not.dead.yet. Some lyrics of Marmalade in Reflections Of My Life speak of how I once viewed my life's journey:

The world is
a bad place
A bad place
A terrible place to live
Oh but I don't want to die ...

Perseverance, treatment modalities new to me and an erudite therapist are presenting the opportunity for me to be the author of a values-based life. After decades of floundering in misadventures, I have hope of something better.

Never give up. You can overcome the barriers you face to live the life you have authored.

I wish you well.

I have had relationships with both parents healthy and non-healthy. That's where my longing is. With my parents it's never all good, all bad or even all normal. Hell, none of it is really normal as much as it's chaotic. Never has my family gone more than 24hrs. without some kind of fight, argument, breakdown and/or suicide attempt. All I long for is stability. I want a stable family that I don't have to walk on eggshells around. I don't want to feel like things are going okay only to have that abruptly shift into chaos. My parents thrive on drama, I guess.
In conclusion, I miss stability; though I don't remember it ever being apart of my daily life growing up.

if you don't mind me asking, and you don't mind talking about it, what is it you did in the military.

I'd rather not talk about it now. It's a few chapters of my life that I have moved on from.

that's fair enough

hugs!

Sometimes family.......are not blood relatives, but the people who love and celebrate us.

Have any of you read "The Fatherless Daughter Project" (I get the impression most of the posters in this thread are female)? It's incredibly eye-opening.

I never had any significant loss, nothing severe. Some mild instability and "neglect" that comes with living with someone with a slew of mental health issues, but I never feared for my life or anything. I was always well-cared-for and, I am told, always supported and loved. I never felt it though, for some reason. I don't know what it is I'm missing, but I can relate to the feeling here.

I never really had a dad, he walked out the day I was born because he wanted a son... Needless to say I had a very difficult childhood, filled with neglect and abuse of all kinds. I had a mother who didn’t want me, in fact blamed me for my dad’s leaving her and my older sister. I searched for a “father figure” and sort of found one in my uncle, he would read to me and play dolls with me and sexually abused me on my 5th birthday. I have spent a life time of look for someone to fill that roll, Only to be hurt time and again. I came to not trust anyone at all. I’m now in therapy with a really great person... A male therapist... trusting him was surprisingly easy... We spent the first 2 or 3 sessions talking about books and movies that we both read or saw... So we established a connection almost immediately. I finally started to open up to him about personal things, but it still took several months before I would talk about the abuse I suffered as a child. He was aware of it from day one, I just didn’t talk about it, He’s really great about taking things at my pace... Ironically enough we were just having a conversation about fathers, and I told him that it’s not just growing up without one, It’s know that if and when I were to get married, there’s no one there to walk me down the isle. My kids won’t have a “grandpa” or “grandma” at least not on my side of the family. And I still sometimes feel a great need / desire to be a little girl who has a father that reads her bedtime stories, and tucks her in at night. I’m not sure if that feeling / need will ever go away, and it breaks my heart that the little girl I was had so much of her world shattered and so little love and support in it. Sorry about rambling, but I think it’s very common for people, especially kids, to see others receiving love and attention when they’re not, and to wonder why they don’t have it, and to long for it. Hope that helps.