There Was Good

The most difficult thing for me to look into my past and see, believe it or not, isn't the trauma and/or abuse. The hardest thing to look at is all of the good things. The small acts of love and kindness and days where everything seemed like it was going to get better. There could be a few reasons for this:
1) The bad is so powerful that it can outweigh the good, especially if there seemed to be more bad than good.
2) The good times gave me hope that was swiftly stolen and made it difficult the actually feel happiness when I should've, simply because I knew that it wasn't going to last and was sometimes simply a front.
3) It makes it more confusing for me because my parents weren't all bad but they weren't always good either. And in a child's world, shouldn't everything be more distinct? Shouldn't there be less of a grey area here?
The fact is, there were good days. To this day, post seven years old, every birthday I have is a sore spot and it has nothing to do with getting older. My birthdays tend to be something I dread for many reasons, most based off memory. However, there was one birthday. I was turning nine and it was the first and only night for over a year, that my parents were sober and kind. They told me how much they loved me and how much I meant to them. They didn't have a single drink, they didn't get mad once, I didn't get hit and I didn't get told a single negative thing by any member of my family.
I'm actually crying while I write this. This beautiful memory of actual happiness has me in tears. I actually felt joy. I was actually happy. More than that, I actually felt like my family loved me. Why is there so much pain attached to this beautiful moment of my childhood? Why does it hurt to remember a good day like this one? Maybe it's because my deepest desire is for this day to be every day. Maybe it's because I look back and so deeply desire that this day was every day. That in those sixteen hours, it could've changed everything. I just want those sixteen hours back.
I need to stop writing about this, thanks for reading.

Bless your heart I'm sorry you are stuck in the past with me may your future be brighter

Hugs. The good showed they were capable of better, but often didn't.

I'm glad you wrote this. I've wondered about the same thing. As bad as things were, I have a couple of amazing moments that I still cherish.