[bug]

okay, I'm going to try this again. I got a call and lost my whole post a minute ago so i am starting over now.
I posted the first chapter of my story a few weeks ago. My brother had sexually abused me until I was 11 and stopped it all. He left me with a lot of odd feeling about relationships. He use to call me a hooker because he gave me candy money and prizes so I wouldn't tell my Mom. When I was 14 I was raped by a 21 year old medical student. I was married by the time I was 17. My first husband thought I was a virgin. He was very disappointed on our wedding night. He wa very rough. That is all I knew for years. He forced himself on me ever time we had sex. The more I fought the more he liked it. I thought it was my own fault for not being a virgin. I started gaining weight. I had two kids by the time I was 23. They were my life. However, my abuse colored every part of my life. I was afraid for my son to be alone with my daughter. That was the least of the effect my brothers abuse had on me. I got involved in church. There I heard about forgiveness. I tried to forgive my brother. I felt guilty because I could not do it. When I was in my 30's a preacher made a play for me. I had lost a lot of weight. I felt myself thinking that I had to give into him. He was an important part of my life. I was afraid if I did not give in he would not be my friend. I allowed him to mess with my mind for about a month or so until it hit me that I was responding just like the little girl that loved her big brother so much she was willing to do anything for his freindship. It was like waking up from a 30 year nightmare! My whole life started to change after that. I went back to school. Got a dgree in ele ed. It didn't happen over night. But I stopped blaming myself and started dealing a little better. My goal for myself was to educate myself so I could support myself when I got ready to leave my abusive husband. I did just that. It actually took a little longer for me to deal with my brother. That can be in the next chapter.
thank you everyone for listening to me and responding.
bug

[Rapunzel]

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Thank-you for sharing your story. It is really good to hear from someone who has taken charge of her life, understands her own needs, and can stand up for herself. I'm sorry that those horrible things happened to you though.

<font color=orange>"Never forget: 2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."</font color=orange>

Bug- You have something really strong inside you. Thanks for sharing your story!

[Beautiful_Pain]

Agrees with rapunzel and esther--couldn't have said it any better!

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<font color=purple>Pain can indeed be a beautiful thing</font color=purple>

[gloria]

More power to you lady!
What a woman, BRAVO.. normally I don't read very long postings, but yours is a sample of courrage for many of us.
Thank you.... the hope is there

gab