Fight With Mom

So I got a bit unhinged with my mom twenty minutes ago at Walmart. And really let her know how I felt maybe in not such a nice way, but since we were in public I didn't yell and scream at her, and only called her a B Word once. I'm still so angry. Her thing is that I'm ungrateful. And admittedly, I am. But as I told her, its because of the way she's treated me. I pointed out she doesn't like me or love me. She argued she never said that and I countered with that's how you act you don't need to say it. And that shut her up. She certainly never tells me she loves me, she never even smiles when she sees me. I'm 30 so I can say F YOU and move out. Which I'm doing. I'm no longer the helpless little girl. I wanted this transition to go on a positive note, but she took it to a nasty place real fast. It wasn't me. She brought it there and I'm sorry, I'm not taking her horrible treatment any longer and just sit quietly, crying myself to sleep. Nuh uh. I'm not a child anymore. If she doesn't at least admit how she's treated me, I am going to be DONE with her. And walk away.

I tried to put this all behind me when I moved to Texas in 2010. Then I became disabled down there, moved back home and its been a real...bad situation since then. I don't need them to pursue and follow my dreams. Don't need their emotional support because I've never had it. Don't need their love, never really had it. I had a mom but never really had a mom, so I'll never know what a mom and daughter relationship is like. I've been emotionally abandoned and abused. And now I'm just like, naw, I'm an adult, see you later. Don't need you any more.

Way to go

You should have heard me...I said some awful things, like "If I'm a piece of ****, then go look in the mirror, you're the one that raised me."

It felt good to say those things. Because its true. She raised me. She screwed up. If I hate her, its because of what she did and said. I'm a very loving person, I love everyone unless they give me a reason not to. My parents taught me how to fail at being a parent. I don't even have my license or know how to cook. She's getting a letter and a very big F YOU.

I feel totally and utterly liberated.

I feel the same way, my Mother intentionally screwed us up.

I've had some legendary blowups with insults that would make a sailor wince, so, don't be ashamed. Took years of rattling my cage to get me to that point so who's really the victim?

There can be a silver lining to everything. My mom was very abusive towards me and my brother, I got the unlucky draw and got it ten times worse than my older brother because in an Asian household I had the audacity to be born a woman. I remember getting beatings with the infamous curtain rod in elementary school for a 98% on my spelling test. As she would hit me over and over again, bending the curtain rod, she would scream and call me stupid for the one or two words I had misspelled. I felt hatred for my mother growing up and into my teens, to the point that I knew I would never be good enough no matter what I did so I acted out. Ran away, skipped school, anything to piss her off. For 4 years we couldn't even talk to each other without screaming and telling the other how much we hated each other. I am now 27 and although my mom has apologized and I've forgiven her for everything she's put me through, I never ever forget. Having your mother in your life may not seem important but I know it hurts you enough to want to share your pain with others. I hope she does apologize and you guys can mend your broken relationship, it's never too late. Best of luck.

Good for you.

I'm 50 and have had a tricky relationship with my mother all my life. There's so much I want to tell you, I don't know where to start.

Let me first say calm down and don't really give her the F YOU letter you wrote. Especially not on Thanksgiving.

From only what you said in this post, I can tell you're in a vulnerable place. You became disabled (I don't know how) and you moved back in with your mother, and are soon going to go on your own again. You say you want that transition to go well, and I agree.

As far as parenting, I want to assure you, I raised three sons and taught myself to be a great mother and have a great relationship with my boys. I did not do any of the things my mother did wrong with me.

As for cooking, I learned to cook by myself, too. I actually thought that mashed potatoes came from a box of flakes and my bf laughed at me and taught me they come from potatoes!

You can pick yourself up and be whomever you want to be.

Having a toxic mother too, I have started to do a lot of research on the subject. I'm 45 and have two younger siblings who also bared the brunt of our mother's toxicity. My father passed away twenty years ago, but the way he dealt with his wife (his children's mother), was to completely emotionally shut down on everyone and hide in his study. He physically and psychologically hid from her, because when she was triggered, watch out!

So, I looked up the types of mother-child toxic relationship patterns, and this is what I found. I hope these are helpful to people who read this thread. I find the patterns very helpful, because it helps me understand which pattern I'm stuck in with my toxic mother.

1. Dismissive Pattern

The mother is dismissive and rejects the child's emotional needs. As a result, the child is raised to believe their feelings and needs don't matter. They don't feel worthy of attention, experience self-doubt, self-loathing, and are extremely insecure as a result.

2. Controlling Pattern

The mother is a helicopter parent, essentially micromanages the child's life and relationships to the point where the child has no privacy, no developed sense of self (autonomy). "This is for your own good," is the message the mother sends to the child, which is meant to undermine the child's own development of independence. And as a result become very insecure, suffer from "perfectionism (that is self-created)," and feels inadequate throughout their lives in work and social situations.

3. Emotionally Unavailable Pattern

The mother isn't emotionally available to provide their child with a feeling of security, being heard or understood, or supported in times of stress. There is a lack of physical contact with the child, unresponsiveness to the child's cries, or unresponsiveness to the teenager/adult child's expressed need for emotional support. These mothers never say they're sorry, because they don't want to, not because they can't. And as a result, these children grow up to either be emotionally unavailable to others, or overly emotionally available to others' emotional and physical needs. They either need constant reassurance, or are totally emotionally disconnected and show no emotion.

4. Enmeshed Pattern

The enmeshed mother has no boundaries with her child, because she doesn't know how to create boundaries with anyone. These mothers are known as "stage mothers," because they don't have their own identity separate from their child. These mothers live through their child's achievements, and take on their child's achievements as their own. As a result, the child's sense of self is repressed, suffocated, and never expressed because of the enmeshed mother-daughter relationship. As a result, the child never learns how to create boundaries and repeats the enmeshment pattern of suffocating others' identities to create a sense of accomplishment.

5. Combative Pattern

These mothers are publicly critical, jealous, judgmental, and negative to others in front of their child, about their child. "S/he is terrible at sports. S/he isn't as smart as his/her brother/sister." To "I'm a much better tennis player than my child." This is about power -- the mother wants all of it and feels threatened that the child will take the power away from the mother. This is about the mother constantly undermining the child, until the child internalizes this manipulative behavior and takes responsibility for their toxic mother's insecurities, and blames themselves. The combative mother manipulates the child through verbal abuse and through emotional abuse. As a result, the child internalizes criticism and takes it personally as if s/he caused it, without seeing that criticism comes from outside themselves. If confronted, the combative mother will respond, "it's for your own good."

6. Unreliable Pattern

These mothers are emotionally and psychologically unstable, and unreliable to their child. The child never knows if "good" mommy will show up, or "bad" mommy. One minute these mothers are hypercritical, dismissive, and another minute they are comforting, happy, proud mothers to their child. As a result, the child resorts to walking on eggshells around their mother, never knowing which side of their mother will show up or when. As an adult, the child will feel deeply insecure and have difficulty trusting others, because they are still waiting for the other shoe to drop, so to speak. As a child, he/she never felt safe or secure around their mother emotionally or psychologically, so as an adult, the adult takes a long time to trust another person or has high expectations that are sometimes unrealistic and act as a protective wall from being manipulated the way their mother manipulated them.

7. Self-Involved Pattern

These mothers are narcissists because they only view their child as an extension of themselves, and not as an individual. This mother is not capable of empathizing with their child, or emotionally connecting to their child because they are too concerned with outward appearances. This mother cares more about what she looks like to the public, than what the public sees behind closed doors. As a result, the child and the child's needs become secondary and are usually met with superficial rewards rather than a close emotional relationship. These mothers are like stage mothers, because they care more about how the public perceives them.

8. Role-Reversed Pattern

These mothers have a mental illness, or are alcholic or drug addicts who cannot emotionally or financially support their children or spouse. Often, these mothers are single parents, with children who are forced to take on the parental role out of sheer necessity and for their own survival sake. As a result, the child becomes the caretaker to their own mother; they cook, clean, bathe themselves and take themselves to school because their mother can't or won't.

Thanks for sharing.

I need this. I need to play it on a loop when I sleep.