How to stop dependence on emotional abuser and move on?

I am 23, and have been in abusive relationship for years, I also have social anxiety which has not helped the situation.

I met him when we were both 18, I was deeply insecure, had depression/anxiety issues, and family problems. I wanted to escape it.

I recently decided I had no choice but to leave a what I think was an emotionally abusive relationship ( you can give me your own opinions ) for my own sanity.

This came after he looked me in the eye many times throughout the years and told me he was friends with a girl that I found he was sexually pursuing behind my back for months. She stayed over etc...I found explicit messages about her to his friends, and to her.

I dealt with the emotional abuse for years by just basically letting it in one ear, out the other. I was in denial it was abuse for years, wanted to believe he was just insecure or didn't know how to deal with his emotions. I wanted to believe he was good under it all. I was always waiting for the good moments to come back and would ignore the bed, or cry until they were over.

This included him[*]Him ridiculing my sisters weight to me.
[*]Telling me to stop calling him unless I had something important to say, making fun of me for it.
[*]That he isn't going to softly talk to me like my family does, he said he is going to give the harsh realities so I grow up.
[*]Him saying "why don't you wear something like that" to a woman wearing a dress and heels passing us.
[*]Him telling me I wear way too much makeup.
[*]Him telling me if I don't get my degree, he will punch me in the face, then saying it was a joke, and giving out to me for hanging up on him.
[*]Him spreading rumours that I was abusive to him to his friends, when I hit him in the back once when I found out he was lying to me again. He ended up banging me on to his bed, smacking me relentlessly, terrifying the life out of me, yet his friends would look at me like I was crazy.
[*]Him avoiding all contact with my family, never making an effort with them, then telling me its all my fault I don't invite him over, when all he did was criticize the way my mom kept her house, so I stopped. He told his friends this to, to make me look weird.
[*]Anytime I was upset over his behavior and cry, he would make me out to be crazy, and told me everything I said was not true, or I was exaggerating
[*]Whenever I had a problem with anything, it was stop with the drama.
[*]Whenever I would say something nice about myself, he would say I'm more attractive, or your not smart, I am. He always had to outdo me.
[*]He would always talk about how lucky I was to be with him, how smart he was, how talented he was, or else it would sometimes be these random intervals of him hating himself, and thinking he was good at nothing or ugly. Where I would then tell him no it is not true.
[*]He would refuse to play a game with me, saying it wouldn't be fun cause I'm not good,
[*]He then towards the last two years, would always say your just a woman.
[*]Him saying in public or private asking me if I would allow him to slap my forehead really hard just once, I allowed him to do it once thinking it was some weird joke he learnt, naively not thinking he just wanted to just smack me on my face really hard, it was humiliating, he really did put his whole force, and it stung. He got great enjoyment out of it and went "that felt so good". I felt so degraded and disgusting.
[*]He once told me that he wanted to smash all my teeth out cause he thought I was so stubborn and it infuriated him. I was shocked, his mom was in the next room, he had no shame.
[*]He would use crude language cuss all the time in front of his mom, she didn't care, I was shocked.
[*]With that female friend of his, he would tell me weird things that would happen when they would spend time alone, he insisted they did "for music", he would say he saw her thong, they cuddled, he said to her " you seem to really like black d*ck" which I think is a disgusting way to speak, she goes " I never tried Italian", he is half Italian. I would be thinking to myself why is he telling me this. This behavior with that woman was the demise of everything, I stopped being in denial.
[*]He would say I needed to loosen up, and stop acting like a princess, anytime I had a problem with anything.

It was a mixture of this, to then him saying how beautiful I was, how he wanted to take me out for dinner, being affectionate, being sweet, saying sweet things, giving me a gift, asking me to hang out, watch a movie, go for a drink, cook for me, planning a surprise, or just being really nice.

I lost all sense of who I was, what I wanted, or what I needed in my life. I felt worthless, I would walk around feeling humiliated about myself, paranoid that everyone could see all my flaws, and see what a joke I was. For some sick reason all I wanted to do was be with him, as if he had conditioned me. Through all this I did not have one friend. He knew I had social anxiety, he would make fun of me for having no friends. His friends would ask me if I had any single female friends they could meet, and I remember him looking at me with a look of if only they knew, you had none.

I was humiliated that I had no friends in my life, no hobbies, no life of my own. I would constantly get criticized for this, but I had no confidence left to care, or do anything about it. When I wasn't with him, I just wanted to be alone. He was my only social outlet.

I went back to college last year, and was faced with the reality of having daily panic, anxiety attacks being around people. It scared the crap out of me to have to interact with people, but I did it, and I realized that maybe some of my anxiety is coming from this guy I call my boyfriend. I would be talking to them, and wondering to myself what they would think if they knew how my life was. I realized I needed to make changes.

Since I decided I can't have that level of negativity in my life, he has called me non stop trying to communicate, he has asked me out for dinner, for a gig, is always trying to meet me. I communicated with him to see if he could be honest, I said write a list of everything that happened when you brought that girl back with you, he said he would only tell me in person, he ended up saying he was so excited to go the gig with me, I never agreed to go so that was weird, and I never went. I don't feel like seeing him in person, I feel disgusted that I would allow someone to treat me so badly. I feel he is only being nice to me cause he wants to manipulate me so I depend on him again.

What do you think of all this? I would appreciate your opinions.

How do I move on from the dependence with him, I feel so worn down, numb, ashamed, and just terrible about myself. I know I need to make changes though, I am just terrified I will fail. Short term it would be easier to go back to him, go for to that gig and pretend everything is fine, but long term it would do even more damage.

Part of me is terrified not having him in my life anymore.

You are only 23 and you were very young when you met this young man and he began to control you more and more. It would be better for you to break away, even though that is hard right now, you can "learn" how to be your own person gradually and we all learn by "doing", so for a while you will be uncomfortable as it is normal to be uncomfortable with "change".

If he looks at and flirts with other women, wants to change how you dress, that is about "his" needs and wants not yours, he is young too and the last thing you want is a young imature person to tell you who or what to be, that is something YOU decide for yourself and that is something we slowly develop in ourselves over time and it's very rare to know "self" at only 23 because one has not experienced enough "life" yet at that age.

Drop him and even though it's a challenge keep going to college and get an education and find YOU and be on your own so you can decide what "you" want out of life. You are too young to get caught up in a life relationship as you have not figured out who "you" are yet.