[HumanelyFlawed]

I am a 27 year old female dating a younger, angry man (22). I knew there would be complications to dating someone younger, I wasn't in full realization of what those complications were but maybe because they weren't the complications that I was necessarily thinking of. I won't bore you and divulge the entirety of our relationships and problems, only enough to get some advice. My boyfriend is an angry guy; angry of a broken family, a father who walked out when he was 12, a mother who is always right, and when that father was present he wasn't the most nurturing figure. Over the year and two months we've been dating, at around month five was when I started to see the anger and that's when the verbal stuff started. He's called me a ***** and a slut once, called me a *****, told me to shut the **** up, on and on this list could go. I'm a very strong woman in a sense, I don't like to give up easily and I try to hold my relationships together even when I know it isn't worth it anymore. I'm being slowly and painfully broken down over the verbal abuse but I've always been sure that he would never get physical with me; but tonight he did. Now he didn't punch me in the face or anything but we were outside and he got in my face and was screaming at me I kept backing up and when it got to the point that I knew that this argument was going no where fast, I tried to remove myself from the equation. He grabbed me, really hard by my arm and started pulling me towards his car to try and make me get in. I fought at him, puling away and telling him to let me go and he transferred his grip to both of my hands. When I kept trying to pull free and was fighting him in earnest out of fear, he grappled me into a bear hug and squeezed. I'm inside now and he's sitting outside, he called me crying and apologizing for what he did but I feel numb and dead inside. I love him so much, I really do. If you've experienced something like this...does it always escalate to hitting? I'm terrified.

[Skeezyks]

Hello HumanelyFlawed: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! I hope you find the time you spend here to be of benefit.

I'm sorry. I cannot speak from experience with regard to your concerns. However, my impression is that what you have experienced is pretty-much the standard domestic abuse pattern. I don't know as there is any way to tell if it will escalate. However, I would be inclined to say it's not going to get any better unless your bf gets the help he needs with resolving his anger management issues.

So my thinking, for what it's worth, is that unless your bf takes some sort of concrete action, such as arranging to see a mental health therapist, then you may want to think seriously about whether or not this is a relationship you want to continue to pursue. (Oh... & by the way... I don't believe this has anything to do with your bf's age. There are plenty of men much older than your bf who have similar problems. That said, I think it unlikely he will "grow out of it.")

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. There are many knowledgeable & caring members here. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!

GET OUT NOW ... !!!



It will not get better and the odds of you surviving it over the long haul are slim to none!

If you need help, contact your local United Way or a Women's Shelter in your area!

There is absolutely no reason for you to become the next statistic we read or hear about on the news!

Sincerely,
Pfrog!

[Erebos]

P frog is right, I am afraid. I have been on both sides of the abuser/abused spectrum. Once the boundary is broken and he has laid his hands on you in anger, it will just get easier and easier for him to do it again. What your experiencing is 'escalation'.
His behaviour started with verbal abuse, and now he has become physical, this will eventually become worse, and he will end up hurting you.
You do him no favours by allowing this behaviour to continue, he will not correct his behaviour whilst you are with him. I am not saying it can never work, but for now you need to get away, and tell him he needs help if there is to be any hope for the future.
Then you need to stay away until he has completed or is well into his programme.
After that you start from the beginning again. Dating and restoring old boundries that he crossed before.
However some abusers just cannot be around people they have abused because they feel draw to the same old cycle. Maybe you could look into, what makes you think this is a relationship worth keeping, and what you get from it, and what hope you see for your future, with/without your partner.
First things first though you must get away, do it quietly and without confrontation. And wait til you are out of there, before explaining to him what your doing.

Before you think you can fix him, you can't , once he starts abusing you and you put up with it, you become part of the cycle. He has to fix himself.

I wish you all the best, and hope that you manage to work this out one way or another. Take care.

[PumpkinPieHead]

Run, don't walk to the nearest women's shelter!

[nicoleflynn]

I speak from experience. An abuser's anger has NOTHING to do with yu and everything to do with his issues. He is angry at all of the things yu mentioned. Abusers rarely change unless they admit their abuse and get into therapy (by themselves). Please don't be a murder statistic. Stay away from him. The Verbally Abusive Relationship saved my life and I believe should be required reading for everyone. Abuse is literally brainwashing; that is why it is so confusing. NO ONE can fix an abuser. you can go on-line and look up verbal abuse/patricia evans and get a lot of information that you need. What he is doing is called the "honeymoon" stage....remorse, saying they will never do it again. They will. If you stay with him, you might end up a statistic and die...scary but true. He is angry regarding his issues and is using you as a verbal and physical punching bag. You can also call the Domestic Violence Hotline. His age has nothing to do with his behavior.

[QueenCopper]

Run now!! It is not going to get better only worse. He is taking his anger out on you. I am sorry that you are struggling but he needs help. I really though my abuser would change he has not. I can tell you from experience that it will get worse. 😖 Please protect yourself. You may love him but I hope you love yourself more and get away from him.

[nicoleflynn]

Why do you believe you love him? What about him is lovable. Love is nurturing, caring....love doesn't hurt.

He is angry and therefore, not able to love anyone and he dislikes/hates himself.

[a2468jh]

I am going to concur with everyone else on here... but here's my stand point. I was dating a man who was a few years older than me. We had a very similar history to what you describe. Then one night he was mad that I talked to a different guy when we were out together and he threw a golf cart and physically intimidated me, grabbing my arm when I tried to walk away. I continued to see him because he apologized and was sweet and nice after. Fast forward three years... We are married and have a kid. And he's gotten worse and worse and now I feel stuck. If only I had taken that rough night as a sign of what was to come if I stayed, I would've left and would be in a different place now.

[mazing]

Originally Posted by a2468jh

I am going to concur with everyone else on here... but here's my stand point. I was dating a man who was a few years older than me. We had a very similar history to what you describe. Then one night he was mad that I talked to a different guy when we were out together and he threw a golf cart and physically intimidated me, grabbing my arm when I tried to walk away. I continued to see him because he apologized and was sweet and nice after. Fast forward three years... We are married and have a kid. And he's gotten worse and worse and now I feel stuck. If only I had taken that rough night as a sign of what was to come if I stayed, I would've left and would be in a different place now.

I know it can be extremely difficult, especially when there are children involved, but it is never too late to leave or make plans to ensure your safety. I really encourage you to reach out to a local domestic violence support / shelter. They can help you put plans in place, whether you are ready to leave or put together a safety plan of what you can do if/when your partner becomes violent to make sure you and your child can go somewhere safe.