93 yr old abusive father: I can't forgive or forget

My father has been abusive physically, verbally and mentally all my life. Now he is very old close to the end of his life, though his health is good considering everything. Anyway, I spent a lifetime trying to get him to love me, to stop saying things that hurt me, and, of course, it never worked.
I went NC unofficially around a year ago or more. Since that time, he and his wife (not my mom) have sent gifts to my ex and invited my ex to their home. They also send stuff to my kids and now my grandkid and I always find out about it. For years, I would send them gifts on holidays and either get nothing or get some really broken down stuff.
Finally, he said a couple of things and I knew I had had it. I realize he is close to the end here and still, I don't want contact. Anyway, so he sent me an email yesterday saying "your father loves you" and can you please contact me and tell me if you love me even a little bit?

Finally after 3 days, I had deleted the email, but I wrote this back:
In the subject line was: the answer is and in the email "yes".
that's it. I guess my guilt made me say it. honestly have no idea what I feel. am I alone in this? will I be sorry when he dies? I cant seem to forgive.
thanks.

PumpkinPieHead ain't got time for this.

My family does this nonsense, JJ. They will demolish my dignity in every way and then play the, "But you love us" card. I'm supposed to love them because good people love their familes, and "you're a good person, right?"
Don't put up with this for another red second, JJ. And don't worry about the "forgiveness" nonsense, either. That wa-hoo doesn't sound like he deserves the privilege of your love,forgiveness, or respect.

I'm sorry you are struggling with this. I will tell you my experience and maybe you can learn from it.

I grew up with a dad exactly like you describe. He just passed away and here is how I feel:
I love him very much. I will miss him very much. We got pretty close before he passed, and there will be an empty space where he used to be. BUT I do not pretend he didn't do the things he did. I will never say he was a perfect loving father at all times. The pain, both physical and emotionally that he caused me will never go away. I am still broken and always will be.

I will honor him in the way I should. I will not dishonor him by telling everyone how horrible a father he was.

Now, It took me a lot of years to get to this point. I learned forgiveness is for YOU and not the other person. It does not mean they did not hurt you, it means you are not going to let it consume you. You deserve peace and tranquility. Only you can give them to yourself.

My advice would be to call your dad and tell him you love him. Even if you don't feel it. I think you will regret it if you don't. We are all only human and do things we shouldn't. I know from my perspective I would feel horrible if he died thinking his child didn't love him.

Peace to you and remember to treat yourself well. It's never a mistake to reach out in love.

I can relate to your story. My Dad passed away from dementia two years ago. I was afraid of him all my life.

One thing he did that I believe did extensive emotional damage to me was holding me down when I was little. I would beg for my Mom to make him let me go. A family friend who has known me since I was a baby would often, unknowingly, tell the story of how when I was just barely walking would run to Mom instead of Dad. A psychologist told me that even little tykes know with whom they are safe with and whom they are not.

He wasn't a monster. He had strengths as well as weaknesses. He was better at being a Grandpa and Great Grandpa. I think he suffered from some kind of mental disorder or illness and just was never diagnosed. I believe he is in Heaven where he is all healed. He isn't angry anymore. He's happy now.

I was always afraid of him and never wanted him to hug me. Once he attempted to hug me and I just stood there like stone. Even when he had dementia living in a memory care facility, I was afraid of him. I secretly hoped he wouldn't remember me and want affection. I would go with my Mom most of the time every day to be there for her. But each time I went, my anxiety would rise as we walked in the door and not come down until we left.

Yes, one should forgive. I found forgiving to be a process and not a one-time shot. I don't feel guilty about not missing him. I don't have a "Missing Button" to turn on. I don't grieve as others which I suspect my being autistic is the reason for that.

I wouldn't want him to come back being the way he was. He's no longer in pain and he is free of whatever it was that made him so angry.

As you know now, abusive parents do not stay young forever anymore than the rest of us. They age and get sick and die. But illness nor death doesn't make one a saint. His passing doesn't erase the abuse of yesterday, but at least, it was yesterday. I don't live in fear of him physically or emotionally hurting me again.

Although I don't miss him, I respect those of my loved ones who do. They don't need to know I don't miss him. I believe when I see him again, I'll have nothing to fear.

My only advice is to follow the conviction on your heart. Do what you can do and don't feel guilty at what you can't. You're only human.

Thanks so much for your post. I guess I have to keep forgiving over and over until it sticks, because the anger does rise up. He has pulled a lot of stunts. I had written him a letter several years ago because he had said the same thing then .. which was "do you love me"? I wrote a long letter. He lost it. I resent it. I guess I am at the point where I really dont want to call him on the phone and open myself up to his abuse. His wife, my stepmom is a piece of work and whenever I did call, she was always yelling and interfering in the background. I don't like sending emails because he has a bad habit of forwarding them to everyone. No sense of privacy. I know this sounds like I am not forgiving, but it is hard when someone else never quits the abuse. It became verbal when I left home and he just never learned and probably never will learn. So, I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place.

Thank you so much for replying. I wish I could honor my father, but his behaviours over a lifetime indicate he does not really deserve it. Perhaps, I will call him, but I feel I will just get another abusive comment if I do.
I don't know if my father understands what love is or is truly able to love. I have two brothers who can't really stand him but they go to visit out of some sense of obligation. I don't feel that way.
I do believe in these two things though that you said and which help a lot
a) TREAT YOURSELF WELL
b) IT'S NEVER A MISTAKE TO REACH OUT IN LOVE (THIS ONE IS TERRIFIC)

Thank you so much for your wise comments. I hope you are right about that afterlife.

JJ, I did what I felt was right. I understand it may be different with you. I just don't want you to have regrets when "that" day comes.

Hi Again, Iris:
I sent him an email around 5 days ago and it said in the subject line "in answer to your question" (meaning the question he had asked "do you love me even a little"), the answer is yes. I did not address it to him or sign it. I had to do something and I had deleted his original email.
I know what you mean about being sorry but I have reached out too many times. I wrote the email to reassure him, but in my heart, I just don't know what I feel.
Thanks and hope you get this.

My grandfather was very like how you describe your father to my mom, and even to me and my brother a little, though not nearly to the same extent.

My mom went NC well before he died, and as part of her healing, wrote (but never sent) a letter to him as though he was already dead and poured her feelings into it.

Everyone thought she would regret cutting him off after he died. All she felt was relief when he was gone. To this day she has no problem with her decision, though she does sometimes still have nightmares about things he did and said to her.

If you still love him, that is fine. If you don't that is also fine. If you forgive him, that is fine. If you don't, that is also fine. If sending him that response helped you feel better, that is fine. If it didn't, and you realize you don't ever want to do that again.... yup, that is also fine.

At this point it is not about what he needs or wants. Explore what it is YOU need to be OK. He messed up his chance. That doesn't mean his mistakes have to keep messing you up. In the end, if you can be OK person in spite of what he has done to you, that is what matters. You are strong to have gotten this far. I hope if you don't already know it, that at least some day you will know that you have a lot to be proud of.

I'm a grown man and my father is old now. There's a part of me that's still afraid of him. I can't remember anything from childhood except the feeling of terror. When he started, my mom ran away while he did his thing. She literally ran away.

Now he's arrived at the 'clearing at the end of the path' and he wants to be loved. Not forgiven, because he doesn't think there's anything to be forgiven for. I can remember his smell as a kid. That dad smell that should be comforting but isn't. How he said my name. The look on his face. I'll never forgive either of them. He's a stranger to me. "Stranger danger!"

Yeah, sorry. This kind of got me stirred up.

This is exactly how I felt about my dad and my mom too but lesser so. They both were crappy parents. But they were the only parents I had. I was able to forgive for my own sake. They never knew, and I certainly never told them I forgave. If they thought I was ok with the things they did, it was their mistake. All I did was relieve myself of the burden of carrying around the negative feelings. As stated, I am fully satisfied that I did what I felt compelled to do before it was too late. I do understand not being able to forgive. It took me years to get to the point where I could. I realize some may never get there. I just want all of you who were injured by their loved ones to not have regrets. Peace and love to all of us.

I am probably not a person that should be replying to this but you did what you think was the right thing to do. I understand all about the abuse, I grew up in a very violent household. My sister and I tried to look out for each other but she was 6 years older than me, so I could not help her. She was out of that house as soon as she was 18. The abuse was from both parents. I put up with my drunk of a fathers crap until I was 16. At this time, I slammed the kitchen door or something, he came storming out into the garage after me and picked up a crowbar. I told him, you better take your best shot, because I will take it away from you and kill you with it. He threw it down on the floor and went back in the house. I am a person who does not forget or forgive. I`m not going to tell you the rest of what happened but I never went to his funeral because he never had one. I was the only living next of kin so he got donated to science. It may sound despicable to do that but go to school when your 11 and try to explain the lump on your head the size of a baseball or all the cuts up and down your arms from your mother getting her jollies in. If, I shared my whole story with everyone, it would take you quite awhile to read.

I guess what I am trying to say in a round about way, is you do what is best for you. Don`t worry about others peoples judgement. You have lived through it, you know what all happened.

Sorry you were hurt also. I think they rarely change. He wrote that brief email after soo long. I ansered it and his response to date ... NADA. I will just have to deal with it. He has done and said way too much to ever fix it, anyway. People rarely changed.

yes, they want to be loved, but not forgiven because they think they havent done anything wrong. They deny it all.