[clefairy]

I recently made a post on social media about how I am a survivor (domestic violence and abuse), and a woman messaged me saying she was "offended" that I would "call myself a survivor" because of a "few holes punched in a wall."

I had voiced my concern, saying she was watering down my abuse, and that as a fellow survivor, I didn't feel it was right she would tell me my "abuse wasn't bad enough to be a survivor."

I've been through many things with my ex-husband. He's forcefully kicked me off the couch/bed, he used to drive erratically when he was mad until I started yelling for him to stop (this scared me a lot), he has destroyed two doors in our home (sending me into full panic attacks), kicked our dog when she was a puppy, has punched several holes in the wall, ripped drinks out of my hand and thrown them, threw a wine glass at me when I accidentally dropped it (he missed), restrained me on the couch when I tried to get up, physically blocked me from leaving the living room, taken my phone out of my hands when I had been "using it too much" and thrown it across the room, etc. On top of all this, I was constantly belittled and brought down for 6 years. However, he never hit me (although my therapist considers some of this as physical abuse).

Why would she feel it was okay to tell me that my abuse wasn't bad enough to be a survivor? I have been in therapy for the past few months, divorce paperwork has been filed, and living on my own now. She mentioned that she has been abused in several different ways, so while I feel for her, is it because of her abuse in the past that's making her look at it differently? She had commented on my post and asked, "Did he beat you?" It upset me a lot that I can't post on my social media without people doubting me when I mention domestic violence just because he didn't hit me.

I'm just really confused and thought I could get some more insight.

[gmts]

Did you feel he was acting out anger that didn't have anything to do with you?

[alwr]

I still struggle a lot with this myself but you have obviously worked with a therapist on this issue who has validated this as abuse. Don't let this person set you back in your recovery when she doesn't know your story. You were there, she wasn't. All the best.

Originally Posted by clefairy

I recently made a post on social media about how I am a survivor (domestic violence and abuse), and a woman messaged me saying she was "offended" that I would "call myself a survivor" because of a "few holes punched in a wall.".

If she was a victim of domestic violence,was severely beaten,etc.,then I think I could understand how you calling yourself a survivor would be offensive.Not meaning to minimize your experience or anything,just saying I can understand.

I will probably get flack for saying this,but when I hear people throwing the term "PTSD" around lightly,as in claiming they have it because their spouse cheated on them,or because they were yelled at,or other similar things,I feel offended(I may not voice that to anyone but I am still offended).An example is someone that told me she was in trauma therapy,has PTSD because when she was a child,riding in the car with her parents,there was a dead cat on the road.She said it was very traumatic.It felt very insulting and invalidating to what I have experienced.For her to call herself a survivor,yes,very offensive to me.

To me,personally,a "survivor" is someone that had to really fight and struggle to make it out alive.And I do consider myself a survivor because that's exactly what I had to do.

Are you a survivor?I guess really it depends on what the term survivor means to you.And it sounds like you do consider yourself one,and that's a good thing.

Maybe the woman that was offended has the same definition as I do and why she reacted the way she did?What I am trying to say is her comment really had nothing to do with you and had to do with her own exoerience and how she views things and defines the word survivor.

IDK,just guessing here.

[mimsies]

Having had to fight and struggle to stay alive, and having been tortured and severely traumatized and having to deal with all of that...

*I* certainly consider you a survivor. And on social media? Your profile, your post, your rules. Were it me, I would have deleted her comment and blocked her.

Congratulations on surviving.

[clefairy]

Originally Posted by CrispApple

If she was a victim of domestic violence,was severely beaten,etc.,then I think I could understand how you calling yourself a survivor would be offensive.Not meaning to minimize your experience or anything,just saying I can understand.

I will probably get flack for saying this,but when I hear people throwing the term "PTSD" around lightly,as in claiming they have it because their spouse cheated on them,or because they were yelled at,or other similar things,I feel offended(I may not voice that to anyone but I am still offended).An example is someone that told me she was in trauma therapy,has PTSD because when she was a child,riding in the car with her parents,there was a dead cat on the road.She said it was very traumatic.It felt very insulting and invalidating to what I have experienced.For her to call herself a survivor,yes,very offensive to me.

To me,personally,a "survivor" is someone that had to really fight and struggle to make it out alive.And I do consider myself a survivor because that's exactly what I had to do.

Are you a survivor?I guess really it depends on what the term survivor means to you.And it sounds like you do consider yourself one,and that's a good thing.

Maybe the woman that was offended has the same definition as I do and why she reacted the way she did?What I am trying to say is her comment really had nothing to do with you and had to do with her own exoerience and how she views things and defines the word survivor.

IDK,just guessing here.

Yeah, I can definitely see that and I'm starting to understand her POV a little bit more. The only thing that confused me is that I know how hard it is to speak out when you feel you're being abused, and her approaching my situation ("Yeah, but did he beat you?") makes it even harder to talk about. I spent 6 years with the guy because I felt it "wasn't that bad" you know? Emotionally speaking, this was a huge hurdle in my therapy. I kept going back to him... well, because he DIDN'T hit me, and I constantly questioned myself about it (still do, hehe, obviously this post).

I do consider myself a survivor because I trusted him with my whole being. I would have believed anything he told me (he blamed a lot of his anger on me, and 99% of the time I apologized for upsetting him to the point he got violent). I didn't realize this was abuse until my sister-in-law came over and saw how he destroyed our bedroom door and how bad I was panicking because he scared me so bad.

I'm still struggling really, really bad. He was the love of my life, someone who I considered my soulmate... how could he do all of that to me? I'm trying to understand where she's coming from, but I don't think she realizes that she set me back a little bit, I don't think she meant to do it, but it did hurt to see her say things like that.

[clefairy]

Originally Posted by gmts

Did you feel he was acting out anger that didn't have anything to do with you?

I know that he had a lot of unresolved issues he needed to work through, but most of the time it was directed at me. Something I said, or something I didn't do (like cleaning), petty arguments, would set him off really bad. It got to the point where I would do anything in my power to not upset him.

Originally Posted by alwr

I still struggle a lot with this myself but you have obviously worked with a therapist on this issue who has validated this as abuse. Don't let this person set you back in your recovery when she doesn't know your story. You were there, she wasn't. All the best.

Thank you so much! It's really hard to stop thinking, "Was it really that bad?" I'm not really sure why I keep questioning it so much. Maybe just years of him making me believe it was all normal? Not sure. I've actually gone in depth with my therapist about my childhood (violence/screaming/etc) and it definitely jaded me on how "healthy relationships" work.

Originally Posted by mimsies

Having had to fight and struggle to stay alive, and having been tortured and severely traumatized and having to deal with all of that...

*I* certainly consider you a survivor. And on social media? Your profile, your post, your rules. Were it me, I would have deleted her comment and blocked her.

Congratulations on surviving.

Oh, for sure! She actually upset a lot of my family because they knew how important it was for me to speak out about it. I ended up deleting her because my family started replying and I didn't want the drama. It was just very bizarre to me she felt the need to comment like that.

[AlittleUnsteady]

I used to compare my abuse with others, and this would get me upset. I would tell myself they were lucky because they didn't go through as much as I did. I went to church when I was younger and would also get pissed because they would tell me someone always has it worse. I would reach out for help because of abuse going on and they didn't understand or know what to say, so they threw that in there. That would just piss me off more.

Being told what you went through isn't as bad or you "shouldn't" feel or act a certain way is very invalidating. I've learned that it doesn't matter.

For one, no one has lived your life or been through EXACTLY what you have. This means they have no right to tell you how to feel or how something should effect you. Doing this is very judgemental. No one was there to experience what happened but you, what they think is irrelevant. Someone once told me that just because someone has been through less than you, doesn't mean it can't be just as harmful to them. Everyone is different. Everyone experiences things differently. What was done to you wasn't right. Even if someone else doesn't consider it physical abuse(which I wasn't there, so I can't tell you) it atleast sounds like emotional abuse was involved. It sounds like he was trying to control you and scare you.

She sounds like she still has a lot of feelings and memories to work through. This was not about you. If you feel like you have survived something, you have the right to voice that. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but trying to help you to understand better. It sounds like she has a lot of unsettled trauma to work through. At first, you do feel angry and alone. You get upset at other people for not being there or noticing something was going on, or for not doing anything about it. She is in pain, and she took it out on you. She doesn't know you and she can't tell you that you didn't survive.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by clefairy

He was the love of my life, someone who I considered my soulmate...

You have survived, and that makes you a survivor...and anyone who has also been abused and would question that is still caught up in the abuse and has yet to become a survivor.

[Unrigged64072835]

I had an ex-fiance who abused me in every way short of stalking or physical abuse. I believe I'm a survivor of that relationship. I finally evicted him after four years.

Physical abuse is not a marker of survivorship. There would be a lot more people suffering on their own if that were the case.

[Parva]

Originally Posted by AlittleUnsteady

I used to compare my abuse with others, and this would get me upset. I would tell myself they were lucky because they didn't go through as much as I did. I went to church when I was younger and would also get pissed because they would tell me someone always has it worse. I would reach out for help because of abuse going on and they didn't understand or know what to say, so they threw that in there. That would just piss me off more.

Being told what you went through isn't as bad or you "shouldn't" feel or act a certain way is very invalidating. I've learned that it doesn't matter.

For one, no one has lived your life or been through EXACTLY what you have. This means they have no right to tell you how to feel or how something should effect you. Doing this is very judgemental. No one was there to experience what happened but you, what they think is irrelevant. Someone once told me that just because someone has been through less than you, doesn't mean it can't be just as harmful to them. Everyone is different. Everyone experiences things differently. What was done to you wasn't right. Even if someone else doesn't consider it physical abuse(which I wasn't there, so I can't tell you) it atleast sounds like emotional abuse was involved. It sounds like he was trying to control you and scare you.

She sounds like she still has a lot of feelings and memories to work through. This was not about you. If you feel like you have survived something, you have the right to voice that. I'm not trying to make excuses for her, but trying to help you to understand better. It sounds like she has a lot of unsettled trauma to work through. At first, you do feel angry and alone. You get upset at other people for not being there or noticing something was going on, or for not doing anything about it. She is in pain, and she took it out on you. She doesn't know you and she can't tell you that you didn't survive.

Excellent post!

This is a hard thread for me to read, so I'm keeping this short...

My opinion is that we need to feel like the level of abuse justifies our shame. When someone else's abuse seems minor but they claim abuse, it makes us re-examine our own abuse. Was it bad enough to justify where I'm at in life? It minimizes our own experiences and makes us second-guess our own experiences. Ironically, it's the same when we see the abuse as 'worse' than our own...

You know, ultimately, it's not up to someone else to judge your life (unless it's a court of law, then they get to...) Sorry for the disjointed reply...

[nicoleflynn]

That person was judgemental and ignorant. Any/all abuse is traumatic. I got a divorce after 31 years of verbal and physical abuse. Iprefer to call myself an overcomer. xo

[KarenSue]

clefairy,

People play the game of "my abuse was worse than yours". You will find that game here at PC also. So sorry for your abuse, but please be prepared to find the same here. "I suffered 'abc'. That's nothing, I suffered 'def'. Wait, my 'ghi' was worse than both of you!"

Not sure why people do that. One set of circumstances does not trump others. All have merit, if the poster is truthful. (Yes, people even lie about being abused here just to get attention!)

Hang in there and don't listen to them. Deal as best you can with your own experience. I'm so sorry for what happened to you. You are a survivor!

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[ravenjade]

You are a survivor.... there are many forms of Abuse sadly I know the majority of them. Just because you do not have scars on your body does not mean there are not scars on your soul or mind. Don't let the words of another doubt what you feel. Stand proud that you have Survived! And Thank you! it is nice to know you are not alone.