I recently became aware that I sabotage myself all the time, and that it's been my way of giving my mum the finger - I've never been able to express my anger directly in front of her. As a child when I tried, she flicked me a couple of times and always yelled at me which eventually shut me up as I became scared of her..

I just wrote a letter to her telling her I was SO angry and couldn't BELIEVE she'd make me live with a father who scared me to DEATH! That she was a MONSTER and I HATED her..

Now, I want to let go. I don't want to sabotage myself anymore because the person I'm hurting the most is myself, and I deserve NONE of that for what SHE did or rather, failed to do - I'm not going to torture myself for HER shortcomings anymore. I choose to LOVE MYSELF.

[Lost_in_the_woods]

(((HUGS)))
I totally get what u mean. Did/do sometimes still this for so long. My mother nothing was ever good enough for that woman! She is no shining example of anything...yet she expects that everyone else keep doing more and more...
I left home and dropped outta school when I was a young teen, because the whole thing was completely pointless!! I was an A student all thru grade and middle school. Did extra curriculars of all kinds to "look well rounded" on COLLEGE apps!! This started at the age of 6. She had me dancing, playing sports, taking french, community service, Sunday school, chess club, drama club debate team...plus homework homework homework then housework then extra studying! Every day of my Frikin life I'd be up @5:30am and in bed@ midnite..as a CHILD!!! Meanwhile what did she do?...sat around drinking and telling us we weren't good enough EVER! She has told me every Frikin day of my life what a Frikin disappointment mistake ungrateful lazy sack of dumb rocks. So. ..one day just went to the bank with my stupid little savings account book and closed it...it was only $300 and some change but it got me on a bus and away from her....I never finished high-school....I ruined everything I could have been just to spite that woman...and now in my 30's and got nothin no one ...I had a nice place and family..but she said I wasn't good enough..and she made damn sure I would never be able to have anything of my own ever again...she said I destroyed her family...so she destroyed my entire life...I am never gonna be completely out of her reach now..because she trapped me in an impossible prison..and the only ways out are to completely abandon everyone and everything I ever loved had made earned and run again (I don't live with her and I don't have my loved ones anymore but she controls all avenues to my access to them)...so I run again and just try to pretend like none of them ever existed?..or I have "to prove myself to her"...which anytime I want even an hrs or two visit I have to jump through ten fiery hoops over shark infested waters hurdle 3mountains..oh and make plans via email not a second later than exactly 3 weeks in advance! Then expect all sorts of sabatoge..venue time changes at the last minute like day of! I don't have a car..I live over two miles from the nearest train no buses not even a bycycle...and the trains don't run that much only like 6 times a day on weekends! ...it's just torture... I choose me too. But everything I do I get punished more lose something else...there's nothing left to lose at this point...so I guess I run..I just can't seem to make peace with leaving them behind but I'm never gonna get them back no matter what I do!! So run or die really...as,soon as the world stops being so fuzzy and I remember who I am...then..someday..soon I hope.