Rant needed

Just when things were finally starting to go SOOO well for me, everything changes and now it's all bad again...ok, so not as bad as it could be but bad enough...

This time last year I was doing so well I was able to come off the majority of my meds, I began work again, and things were feeling great. The only 2 minor glitches at the time were not having my 7yo in my care and getting a recall from the dr which for some unknown reason triggered memories from when I was 6 which att he time meant nothing. Then at Christmas I got my daughter back into my care and although it meant I wasn't able to take on my new role at my job it wsa more than worth it. Then in January the flashbacks of this day when I was 6 were so intense I told my t about it, in the hopes that it would sound so stupid out loud (having these memories of a random event from so long ago) the memories would finally be out of my head and could be forgotten. Instead it has been a long, drawn-out 8 months of agonising over whether or not something 'bad' might have happened in the short time that I couldn't remember in the ~1hr long 'video' memory, me putting 2 poss scenarios down onto paper and feeling like 1 fits better than the other (although if it IS true I am not yet ready to 'own' it, esp as I do not know if it is true or not). In March I made myself so physically ill from all this I ended up in hospital, and while I know that at times I have had a hard time keeping it all away from work (when the thoughts etc have been too intense) I have really tried my hardest to well at work (I have also had to deal with a very difficult family situation all year- my 7yo being extremely challenging from both medical and behavioural sides) but all my non-existent self esteem came crashing down on Thursday after my staff appraisal that I had to do with my supervisor. It turns out that I have been performing so badly at work (I work in childcare) that because of safety issues she cannot even trust me to watch the kids outside on my own in case I 'stare off into space' as I apparently do so much, and I am not a positive influence at work... I had to score myself 1-5 in every area and she had to do the same, and she gave me several 2s which has totally shattered me. She even said that it seems like some days I just don't want to be at work which is SO not true. Sure, some days are more of a struggle than others depending on how strong the flashbacks and what I am dealing with are in my mind but I thought that I was doing pretty well despite all of this, and that things on the whole had been getting better, not worse. Now I just do not know what to do. The way I see it, I have 3 options (in terms of work)... stay where I am and try and improve; apply for another job, which I have been thinking of doing for a few months now, and more than likely not get it due to my "poor work performance"; or either quit work or take extended leave and try to work on myself for a while. No3 is not such a great option tho as I need to get out of the house for 'me', and have something to focus on and get up in the mornings for.

I just feel so crap, and am blaming all my work in therapy this year for all of this. I know that my mind has been so focused on the 'did it or did it not happen' question and all the stuff that has come from that but I never realised just how much it had impacted on my work...and now i wonder how much worse it must have impacted on my kids. I see some effects of my state-of-mind on them, and attribute some of their behavioural probs and unsettledness on me but if I thought i was doing ok at work, and know that i have not been doing so good at home, then how much worse it must have been at home for my kids...

sorry this is so long. Guess I just had a lot to get out of my head, and needed to have a rant...

{{{ irishsj }}}

I am sorry you are in such a bad place right now. Perhaps it is time to take a short term disability (if your company offers it) or think of taking on a different job.

Whatever your decision, I send gentle kind caring thoughts.


Dee

((((((((irishj)))))))

You have allot going on right now.. are you able to talk with a T to help you think through this decision?

Can you ask your T if he/she can help you slow down the upset that you are going through so that you can manage work/life balance while still work on the flashbacks ?

I know it is not fun to get a poor performance review - often a manager will offer a "plan" for improving performance. Did your manager make any such offers ?? Sometimes it helps managers see a person's potential if that person approaches them with a "plan". It sounds as if you were not aware of some of the issues that your manager had about your performance - it is difficulat to effect a change if you don't know the change is needed.

I am so sorry that all of this is happening to you. Hang in there, this is just one person's opinion of your work effort.

(((((dee, ev, peanuts)))))
thanks

(am so exhausted can't write any more right now!!)

(((((((((irishsj))))))))

sending gentle hugs to you. I hope you feel better real soon.

love, Jinny xoxoxoxoxoxxo