last night.. i was hurting so bad inside. I wanted to hurt myself. I found a stick and beat myself with it. As i did, I remembered how it felt when my dad used to beat us. When you didnt know which part of the body to protect. if i got to keep my clothes on it helped. Belts hurt.. maybe b/c they were leather. But his hands were more damaging. .. now i wonder if thats why i cant feel good anymore.. I feel like that if I could beat myself like that again or worse.. maybe all the pain inside would go away.

[katheryn]

(((((((((((((((((((((esthersvirtue))))))))))))))))))))

sorry you are feeling so bad

[biiv]

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((ev))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
i am so very sorry for your pain.

[jmo531]

((((((((((((((((EV)))))))))))))))))))

Thinking of you.

Jen~

I'm so sorry for your pain sweetie.

ohhhh sweetie.. (((hugs)))..
And leather belts hurt.. they leave huge welts... try just try... to get some really pretty smelling lotion.. and rub in on where the owies were... it helps the pain go away....it soothes....

Thank you all. I'm working on finding a level ground again.

[pachyderm]

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esthersvirtue said:
last night.. i was hurting so bad inside. I wanted to hurt myself. I found a stick and beat myself with it. As i did, I remembered how it felt when my dad used to beat us. When you didnt know which part of the body to protect. if i got to keep my clothes on it helped. Belts hurt.. maybe b/c they were leather. But his hands were more damaging. .. now i wonder if thats why i cant feel good anymore.. I feel like that if I could beat myself like that again or worse.. maybe all the pain inside would go away.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

Know the feelings. I have read that sometimes we "accept" the beatings because we think that's the only kind of love we can get. Better beatings than nothing. Sounds right to me.

[ClaireB]

EV, I'm sorry you have been hurting. You are so kind and supportive of everyone on this forum. You reached out to me when I was hurting, but don't forget to lean on others when you need that support, too. When it gets so dark, that's when you need people the most. ((((Esther))))))

Hang in there, my friend.

[wickedwings]

(((((((((((ev)))))))))))) i know how you feel.

[FloweringHope]

My heart breaks for you - can't begin to know how you would feel! Remember, you are precious and your life is valuable to us!

SSR

((((((((((Hugs))))))))))) Thank you all. You've touched my heart by your compassion.

[Sabrina]

I'm so sorry! (((Esthersvirtue)))

[Christina86]

((((((((((EV))))))))))))

You've been supportive of me, I want to help you if I can. If you ever need to talk, (or even say hi) just send me a PM.

I hope you're feeling a little bit better now.

My bio-dad use to wet the belt and then fold it over once, make his two hands, holding the belt, meet in the middle and then pull them back real hard and fast so the belt would make a snapping noise before hitting my naked body lying on the bed.

((((((((EV))))))))))) I'm sorry you're beating yourself up like your Dad use to. You deserve better.

Thank you guys. I've just trying to pick up the pieces right now. Things are out of control in a major way right now. I need to forget all this and get some things done for a while. (((((((((((((Hugs to all and thank you for the support ))))))))))))))))))