[animatronic]

sometimes i think the reason why i haven't been able to get very far in life is simply because i've been quite literally unable to recall any of it. an alter, i call her rose, is the only reason i ever told my parents, but instead of ever getting help, i was called a liar and accused of trying to hurt a family friend simply because i was frustrated with the amount of attention.

my.. issues have gone unchecked for several years and i only told my therapist about my abuse because rose had fronted long enough to 'remember' what happened.

i don't remember any of it, but i will hallucinate it from time to time.
i cannot help but wonder how much of my current issues is the fault of my csa?

my weight goes up and down, i have severe depression, and cannot even process my anxiety because im unable to feel anything as 'myself'. i can't sleep at night, and when i do sleep, i dream of nothing but horrific gore, and violence. sometimes i feel people grab me, and i am 100% convinced that i am being watched at all times by random people from my life, or from fictional characters i gravitate to and fixate on (such as deadpool, or slenderman)
for a while i suspected myself of autism, due to severe social disabilities, and an usual hyperfixation on the most random of objects, along with a violent dislike of certain textures. i was informed that i was not, in fact, autistic, and now i feel that i am back to 'square one', so to speak.

i'm rather obsessive when it comes to psychology. i've taken multiple classes, and at least half of my electives are based around the central human mind/moral/heart, and yet i can't help but wonder if there's something else wrong with me.

i know c-ptsd majorly messes you up, but there's always the nagging feeling that there was something before all that, that still dragged me down.
i can't remember anything under the age of 12, and im slowly forgetting my 13 and 14 years, but i can certainly recall the constant feeling of emptiness and the wish to kill myself, constantly.
i remember quite a few of my alters being around when i was as young as four, and my parents swear that i was always violently angry, and constantly caused unneeded damage to everything around me.

now i suspect myself of npd, and my psychologist backs me up on this (im under 18, so we can't be sure)
but there's always the uncertainty, that maybe my issues stem from something else, or maybe it was all just something im inventing to distract and distance myself further from the abuse.

it's frustrating, and i feel like i'll never be able to know the truth until after i manage to 'fix' myself and move on from the abuse. but i dont know how i expect to do that if i can't even remember anything..

[Skeezyks]

Hello animatronic: Thank you for sharing your struggle. I have some sense of what you're experiencing. I've never had much of any reliable memory of my life prior to around the age of 8. And I always imagine there must be something back there beyond that point... probably even before the age of 4 or 5 that set me on the path I went down. I'm an older person though. And so, for me, it's all just water over the dam now, as they say. I hope that, in some way, you might be able to get to the bottom of your own mystery.