How do I heal when I barely know anything else. -- Parental Emotional Abuse

Just in case: TRIGGER WARNING

So recently, I've been having to deal with the knowledge, and the realization, of my parents being very abusive to me as a child. Overall, I could, and can if its wanted, go into detail for literal pages, of what went on in my childhood, but overall, my parents were extremely emotionally abusive to me growing up, and its...****ed me up royally.

To give you an idea of the extent (focusing on my father, but both parents were abusive)
I don't have almost any positive interactions or memories of my father past early childhood, and even that was a mixed-bag. He would yell at me regularly, and for hours at a time (one time my blood ran cold and drained from my head and I almost fainted from fear) tell me how I'm lazy, stupid, or tell me how "no one will care about you in the real world". He dismissed any inclinations or direct statements of my struggle with depression and suicide ideation as "making yourself a victim" or "throwing yourself a pity party". By the time I was in middle school, I would freeze up and breathe quicker even seeing him or hearing his footsteps walking down the hall.

I actively hid from both my parents, I feared both of them. Fear...that's a good way to describe our paradigm, and its what comes up when I think about the trauma in generality...fear. Intense fear.

Things got worse when I came out as transgender (male-to-female) to them, after which the abuse became much more aggressive in reaction. They reacted extremely poorly (they're extremely religious), and it got to the point that I didn't feel safe at home, and I didn't talk to them for six months, during which time I started HRT. When they found out, after getting back in contact for a few months, they kicked me out of the house (told me I couldn't ever come back home, and then told me I'd forced them to react that way), severely limited my contact with them, and essentially cut me out of their lives, this went on throughout all 2016 (thankfully I live on-campus at my uni).

I'm now estranged from them, since a few weeks ago, but I still carry the scares (figurative, mental, and physical) of roughly 15 years of constant emotional abuse (I'm 21 now). I don't really...know anything...outside of the abuse. Even if my friends are great its coloured a lot of the way I process things. Overall, I feel broken...utterly utterly broken, unable to interact and understand the way others do, and while its given me some peace to recognize that I was abused, its also brought up a lot of emotions and memories, and pain, so much pain.

Overall, I didn't come from a broken home, but my home broke me.

In my day-to-day, I struggle with feelings of worthlessness, unlovability, low or non-existent self-esteem and self-worth, feeling undeserving or inadequate. In addition, I struggle with the ideas of genuine relationships, because I'm completely unfamiliar with the emotions involved (feeling genuinely cared about or loved), and struggle accepting them. I struggle with trust, self-confidence, saying no to people (out of fear), and generalized anxiety. I struggle with thoughts like "I'll never be loved romantically" and the like, and even in the event it does I just assume I'll be hurt or abused, or it won't be mutual. I also have big trust issues. I can go on...but I know I'm screwed up in the head because of this.

A big problem for me is that, i don't know where to go with this. Looking online hasn't been helpful. Even reliable sources tell me to do things which I have no idea how to even form into a thought process (things like knowing what my "NEEDS" are, or knowing what I enjoy or gives me "warm fuzzies", or really what my dreams are. Overall, I don't know what to do. Even self-care is something completely foreign to me. I understand the premise, but nothing about its execution makes any sense to me...

Hell even when good things happen - I got put on the Dean's list recently, for example - I just thought "great...another expectation I have to live up to >~<" and overall felt terrible about it.

So yeah...any thoughts...

Note: I am currently in therapy, and my therapist is aware of this issue. I also have an awesome friend who's been with me over this process, and suggested ways to cope with the negative emotions and stress.

Hi,
I am sorry for the bad childhood your parents put you through. I think it's already a good first step that you are seeing a Therapist. There is a lot of videos on YouTube about childhood traumas or you can make some research on google. This has helped me a lot. Take care of yourself, relaxation helps a lot to manage emotions. If you can try to meditate and practice yoga or dancing to connect with your body.
The most important is your willingness to improve your life. Good luck

I think, I can understand very well how you feel ...