'Admiring' respect for my tormentor

I just realised I have this respect for my dad that's almost like admiration.. And I hate it. In reality, it's fearful respect for how physically big, strong and powerful he was. For the fact that he could have crushed me just like that.. But there's nothing admirable about the fact that I had to be scared of him. Instead, the bigger and more powerful you are, the more you need to take responsibility for not abusing that power! You do NOT use fear to 'raise' children.. Having to live in fear made me SICK. Constantly living in this shadow world of panic.. It's soul-crushing. And decades later I'm still trying to rid myself of the feeling that I'm not safe..

I think the admiration comes from my mum.. Her dad was a raging alcoholic who abused his family.. Though my mum intellectually realises what he did was wrong, I can just hear the admiration in her voice.. She talks about someone using mindless force against someone who's weaker like it's a good thing. Ugh. Disgusting! I'm DONE 'admiring' these criminals who hurt innocent people! I'm going to trust my own inner voice to guide me in what's right and what's wrong.