[TaubTaube]

I have some strange residual effects from my F.O.O (family of origin). As an only child, I made a great tool for my parents' passive aggressive digs at each other and also a good scapegoat for everything that went wrong in the house. If anything breaks in the house-especially appliances, I would get blamed for it and would get SCREAMED at. Most of the time I didn't even handle that appliance when it was broken. Fast forward to my marriage now. Whenever appliances break in the house, I go into a big huge panic attack expecting to be chewed out by my husband. When the dryer broke, I was in tears and hysterics. He was puzzled that I thought he was going to chew me out and yell at me.
It's weird how such stupid, subtle things can be such big triggers for panic attacks.

[Zedsdead]

Im sorry you went through that in your childhood and sad to hear that it still effects your life today.
It's strange things that seem to have a lasting effect on us from growing up. I was the oldest of 4 and the scapegoat. I had a different father and I think i was just the odd one out.
For me, they would treat me badly in ways that I didn't understand. Like if i was hungry, i was greedy and fat, if something was broken, it was my fault. My sisters could torment me all day but if i reacted I was grounded. If i wanted something, it would be ignored so I would have to ask my sisters to ask for me and pretend it was for them. If i dared confront the unfair behaviour I was a drama queen, a liar and overreacting.

I guess the residual effects would be that i dont know my self worth. I feel below everybody all the time. At home, at work, in public. I don't dare ask for simple things or dare to stand up for myself. I was taught that i didnt matter.
I found myself in another abusive relationship and iv never dared question it, because I thought maybe I was overreacting and being a drama queen. Probably because that's what I was called all those years. It was my therapist that validated my feelings and fears.

Are you in therapy? It could help. Hugs

[TaubTaube]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

Im sorry you went through that in your childhood and sad to hear that it still effects your life today.
It's strange things that seem to have a lasting effect on us from growing up. I was the oldest of 4 and the scapegoat. I had a different father and I think i was just the odd one out.
For me, they would treat me badly in ways that I didn't understand. Like if i was hungry, i was greedy and fat, if something was broken, it was my fault. My sisters could torment me all day but if i reacted I was grounded. If i wanted something, it would be ignored so I would have to ask my sisters to ask for me and pretend it was for them. If i dared confront the unfair behaviour I was a drama queen, a liar and overreacting.

I guess the residual effects would be that i dont know my self worth. I feel below everybody all the time. At home, at work, in public. I don't dare ask for simple things or dare to stand up for myself. I was taught that i didnt matter.
I found myself in another abusive relationship and iv never dared question it, because I thought maybe I was overreacting and being a drama queen. Probably because that's what I was called all those years. It was my therapist that validated my feelings and fears.

Are you in therapy? It could help. Hugs

Yeah. I'm in therapy. It's a slow climb, isn't it? I have similar feelings around others as well.

Did you develop an eating disorder from being in that enviornment? I struggled with eating disorders most of my life.

[Zedsdead]

It is a slow climb for sure. Right now I feel we are only working on my current situation and haven't even begun to dig at my past.

I actually never suffered from eating disorders. Im just terribly afraid of eating in front of people. It makes me feel completely gross and disgusting.

[TaubTaube]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

It is a slow climb for sure. Right now I feel we are only working on my current situation and haven't even begun to dig at my past.

I actually never suffered from eating disorders. Im just terribly afraid of eating in front of people. It makes me feel completely gross and disgusting.

That's pretty common for people who have been treated like that by family.

[Rainstoppedplay]

I would not get screamed at, but mother would sulk for days even weeks over the smallest of things. 'Crimes' like creasing my duvet because I'd sat on it, or taking a slice of bread because was hungry. A silent seething resentment would ooze from her. 'You make me sick' she'd say. So now if I accidentally break something I feel ill, faint, I hate myself. Stupid stupid, useless, always useless. Her words still there. I hate her.

[gmts]

On this one EMDR could really help you. I went through comparable situations and EMDR did help me, even though nobody really knows how it really works.

What happens is that you remember the situation get back in there until you have all the memories, feelings, emotions with it and then you follow with your eyes something left-right-left-right. My T uses video goggles and headphones for it where you get a "ding" on the earphones alternating left-right and snychronously you have a white bar displayed on the goggles that jumps left and right and you have to follow it with your eyes. Some Ts just use their index finger that you are supposed to follow.