[Marialou1980]

Hi

I'm 36 and I'm only really discovering over the last two years – when my life has turned upside down – the real impact of being brought up dysfunctionally by a narcissistic parent who enmeshed themselves with you as a child (continuing into adulthood).

In my case it was my grandmother, who lived with myself and my mother. My mother had cancer since I was 8 and died when I was 17. Since then, I've had my gran force herself to live with me on and off for the last 20 years, which she had done to my mother. I'm only really just grasping how she created a serious challenge in my ability to grow into a healthy, independent adult and form healthy relationships, and had done the same to my mother. I have no other immediate family and it's been a very gradual process (because it's painful!) to see that my only family member left hasn't loved and nurtured me but used manipulation and guilt to get what she wants at the complete detriment of my needs.

Nothing felt a miss when I was a child. My gran ran round doing everything for me and my mum and I never wanted for anything (materialistically). She made me mum, then me, her whole life, never had a single friend, clinging to us because of a pathological fear of abandonment and being on her own.

Before I was born, after her husband left her for another woman, she sold her house and gave the proceeds to her two children to buy their own houses. This "kindness" came with a huge price for my mother, as it laid the burden on her for her to live with her for all eternity! (My uncle was married). My gran had a council flat nearby where she was meant to go now and again to give my mum space but this never happened.

My mother was so timid and kind natured and gave me nothing but unconditional love and never put adult issues on me (unlike my gran). She suffered from ill health most of her life and ended up having to depend on my gran physically. But it makes me so sad to realise during periods of good health my mum virtually never left the house (I discovered she had panic attacks in the supermarket), didn't have boyfriends or get her career off the grounds, likely as a result of my gran's enmeshing as she totally lacked confidence in herself. I never had the normalness of family holiday or days out. My dad was in and out my life until I was 8.

And when my mum died, history just repeated, and I became my gran's whole life. My boyfriend moved into my house (legally mine, left to me by my mother) aged 18 yet we could never be a normal young couple. We all lived in a tiny two up two down house, it was so claustrophobic. My nan cooked and cleaned for us, insisted on managing the bills and shopping. She was openly nasty towards my boyfriend for no reason. She was obsessed with knowing every detail of my life, getting in a state if I was out late and would call the police and hospitals if I wasn't home by midnight. She made me feel the world was a dangerous place to venture out into, this got worse when I was diagnosed with MS aged 25 (begging me not to start running when it was doctor recommended!). She always talked about people like they were the enemy, telling me friends were jealous of my amazing looks (I'm average). Her boundaries were so bad with me she regularly walked in on me in the bathroom. One time she waltzed in while I was on the toilet and actually started 'helping' me change my used sanitary towel for me... I was 20 odd!!

After a couple of years of this, I felt so frustrated and was regularly losing my temper - mainly in a misplaced way at my sweet boyfriend. The atmosphere was awful, though my boyfriend was always pleasant with her. I never knew how to properly handle it all. I felt guilty at the thought of asserting myself with her and insisting she go to her flat, it was always unspoken but I knew she felt she had a right to be there all the time as the sale of her house part funded my house that was my mother's. I felt bad she was depressed over losing both her children in their 30s. She saved up and bought me a brand new car for my 21st too. I saw her as a pain but thought her heart was in the right place.

But it became draining and I suggested my gran start going to her flat just at the weekend. She would leave late on a Friday night and come back first thing on a Saturday morning! I tried to assert myself and insisted she stay a whole weekend there, I'd drop her off on a Friday night and collect her Sunday night. But a trick of hers was to keep the flat in a state, I was constantly trying to do it up so it was liveable but she just kept chucking stuff out, making out they were broken until it was a hovel again. At times she cut off her electricity and phone line, claiming it was a waste of money. All designed to make me feel guilty as she struggled in a flat with no lighting or cooker! I'd collect her on the Sunday and she'd be sat there crying in the dark. The battle went on for years and years. Pleading with her and trying to explain to her she always had me but I needed space to be an adult. She'd give in for a while but then show me how miserable it was making her, I'd cave, feeling guilty.

I never fully won that battle, because she became elderly and frail and I had her live with me full time caring for her from age 25-35. She still drove me nuts but I felt less stressed her being less mobile and not able to run my life. Then something happened four years ago that made me see how selfish she was. I was invited to my first cousin's wedding, who we hadn't seen in 20 years, after a few years of me trying to build bridges (my gran had fallen out with my uncle's wife in the 80s after his death, and my cousins who were like a brother and sister to me vanished out my life). I took my nan, thinking she'd be pleased to see her grandson get married. She ruined it all within a few minutes, and launched a tirade about how their house was funded by her and she should have been given the money back. They haven't spoken to me since. I told her that day I hated her for what she did. She barely made a peep and changed the subject. I saw then that my needs didn't even register with her.

I bought a larger house with my boyfriend two years ago and it finally felt like our own home. My gran deteriorated and I gave up my job to look after her for six months, but I was struggling physically, emotionally and financially (I was barely sleeping as she'd call me all through the night and it was triggering my MS) and made the difficult decision to put her in a home after she had a bad fall. When I told her she told me I was a ****** and she'd never forgive me and screamed at my boyfriend "you're living in a house I paid for!". I felt a mug for tolerating her all these years. I gave her an easy to use mobile phone to help her adapt in the home, but had to take it off her when she rang me 20 times a day. I visit her almost daily and tells me she's so miserable and guilt trips me for not staying longer with her. Now she's got dementia it's only got worse. She's now end of life.

My boyfriend and I never got married and had kids, I wanted to years ago, but felt constantly emotionally drained by my gran. Also I always felt a reluctance and a frustration with my boyfriend because I think I knew we were incompatible in lots of ways (sexually, ambition, interests etc). He's such a kind-hearted man and I felt I couldn't leave him as he has always been my rock. So I tried to push those thought out my head and we had our wedding booked two years ago.

I'm ashamed to say I had a brief affair just months before the wedding, when I was pursued by a distant cousin I had grown closer to over the years. I suppose something snapped in me and I wanted to be selfish and think of myself for a change (I convinced myself I was in love). He was a classic womaniser and grandiose narcissist and I know I ignored all the warning signs because I knew his past (love/sex addict) and I believed all his promises he'd leave his girlfriend and had fallen for me. I called off my wedding and was devasted when a week later he stood there in front of me with his girlfriend and announced their engagement. I put myself through months of torture with him (the classic abuse cycle of love bomb, devalue, discard). I felt deeply ashamed at what I'd done to my lovely loyal boyfriend (who forgave me instantly and is still my best friend). I spent six months crying and feeling depressed.

Then I avoided dating completely for a year (despite biological clock) because I knew I had to learn to be on my own. Threw myself into work, losing weight etc, hobbies, friends, learning to rely on myself to feel good. Had some therapy. Thought I was bullet proof so felt ready to date. Literally first online date I went on I felt head over heels with a guy I spent five months with. We seemed blissfully happy for four months. I felt I'd finally found someone I had a great laugh with, amazing chemistry and sex, and he was so kind and attentive. I took him away for a surprise trip for his birthday and we talked marriage and babies. He told me he loved me more than he's loved anyone. Then, four months in, it's like he became a different person. He started losing his temper with me over nothing, and chipping away at me mentally. He was a soldier of 20 years who'd seen so much trauma and I believe he genuinely was suffering from ptsd as I'd seen him having night sweats and nightmares. The line between having healthy boundaries and walking away and trying to be there for him became very blurred. Even when he punched me in the face and kicked me on the floor one night, I went back to him. We'd been so close he was the person I wanted to comfort me, even though he was the person who hurt me.

We lasted another six weeks where things only became worse, constant death threats and emotional abuse which in some ways was worse than the physical. We pushed and pulled back to each and he'd trample all over my feelings and needs yet kept coming to me to offload about his problems and wanted me there for him. It was confusing, painful and traumatic as I clung on trying to make things right. Until he lured me into finding another woman at his house and then came round to my house and smashed my windows in. I kept obsessively writing letters to understand how he could hurt me if he loved me which he's ignored. I can't explain the sheer anxiety I felt (and still feel) over how he had no empathy, like he couldn't actually acknowledge my needs and feelings. It creates a knot in my stomach. I spent two weeks after having a near nervous breakdown, I couldn't sleep for more than an hour or eat and I lost 10 pounds.

I read something about when people have been psychologically abused as children, they can suffer with future relationships by staying in an abusive one and trying to fix a deep seated childhood issue, to write a new happy ending, to get the love they didn't get as a child, to have their needs acknowledged. The danger in expecting romantic love to magically erase the hurt of your past.

I feel my childhood has left me unable to spot toxic relationships, set healthy boundaries, leave a relationship that's not working (be it one where the guy's lovely but not floating my boat, or an abusive one) or develop self-soothe methods. I know I'm looking to external sources for happiness. It's hard to feel a sense of security. At 36, I worry that I've missed my chance to have my own family. I feel I've had a major developmental delay in my life... like my ex-fiance provided the unconditional love and nurturing I didn't get in childhood and I'm only just having the chance now to find myself like most people in their teenager years have the freedom to do.

[Skeezyks]

Hello Marialou: Thank you for sharing your struggles. I see this is your first post here on PC. So... to PsychCentral… from the Skeezyks! May the time you spend here be of benefit.

PsychCentral is a great place to get information as well as support for mental health issues. The more you post, & reply to other members’ posts, the more a part of the community you will become. Plus there are social groups you can join & chat rooms where you’ll be able to connect with other PC members in real time (once your first 5 posts have been reviewed & approved.) Lots of great stuff! So please keep posting!