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Old Aug 31, 2013, 04:21 AM
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I've been having very complex family dynamics. My mother was physically and emotionally abusive, my father an alcoholic. I got through it. I wanted to die, screamed of despair when I was a teen, my family (other members) would blame me for acting insane and ask me to stop so I don't embarrass them in front of the neighbours. They were telling me I was a bad person, I will never be loved and I will die alone. Now that I am an adult my parents want to act as if nothing has happened, my fathers calls me for money or just to chat and complain about his life. He was calling me a piece of **** everyday during my teenage years and telling me I will never amount to anything. I do now but I have to fight the consequences of my childhood - low self-esteem, inability to get into a romantic relationship, panic attacks, destructive urges, self-loathing. I underwent therapy some years ago and that got me to remember some of the things from the past that I had put deep in my unconscious. When I confronted family they said I was overreacting and I should stop dwelling on the past once and for all. They refuse to talk about this. I now told my mother I don't want to see her again. She came to my place (she left home when I was 11 or 12) and was acting as if everything is just perfect, she always does. Comes into my life once or twice a year and I have to play the game of the perfect mother-daughter relationship... It hurts and I always feel like I am the evil one, like I should just leave things in the past and act civilized, but I can't... Does anyone from you have experience with that? Does it help to cut abusive parents out of your life? I just want to feel better and to love myself and it is so hard.
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Old Aug 31, 2013, 05:04 AM
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I have experience with that. My family wasn't going to change and I could no longer endure their abuse. I legally changed my name and moved. This wasn't an easy choice and was also quite painful. And, while it won't undo the damage already done, it will certainly prevent further abuse.

I would also like to point out the importance of having a good therapist (and support group) during the transition ... You will need their support and validation to help you through all the emotions that are sure to arise if you choose to take this course of action.

Sincerely,
Pfrog

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  #3  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 05:14 AM
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Hm, that's tricky... I've been to 3. The 1st one acted somehow annoyed when I would still want to talk about my childhood after the 5th session. The 2nd was good, but I can't go to her anymore because her practice is far from where I live, the 3rd one was not professional. What I realized during the last therapy session is that I absolutely can't handle my emotions when it comes to family and childhood, I started crying when she told me: "I know you feel safe now that we are rationalizing and analyzing but you will eventually have to face your emotions". I fall apart at the thought of this, so I am scared that I might not find a therapist who can handle this and I will be lost in the abyss of past emotions.
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Old Aug 31, 2013, 06:21 AM
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The only way around it is to go through it ... And, as excruciatingly painful as that is, until we face and deal with the emotions and feelings surrounding our past trauma and abuse, we cannot heal from it.

Don't give up after three therapists ... Find one who specializes in childhood trauma and abuse ... They will be patient while helping you work through it ... No matter how long it takes!

I'm 20 years in, and still working on stuff.

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  #5  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 06:54 AM
nicoleflynn nicoleflynn is offline
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It is more usual for abusers to deny their behavior. I like a letter of "restorative justice"--Restorative Justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU....not for them. It is a way of taking your power back. You had none as a child and now you do. You don't have to play any games....that is your mother's stuff. You can let her know that unless she speaks to you with respect, you won't have a conversation.

An excellent resource is "Boundaries" by Townsend and Cloud...we all need boundaries in our lives to keep ourselves safe...physical and emotional boundaries. If those were stolen from us as children, we need to learn them. Don't let HER behavior determine YOUR behavior. The book that saved my life: The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans......good to get therapy and use all of the resources you can. YOU determine your relationship with her.
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Old Aug 31, 2013, 07:11 AM
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I like the idea of the letter. Yes, that might help. I don't know, maybe here childhood trauma is not trendy among therapists, I can't find anybody specializing in this
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  #7  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 07:21 AM
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One thing that helped me distance myself from my step mother was my therapist teaching me the difference between "love" and "like". She asked me who I liked and I immediately told her, "my husband" and then she asked me to give her three reasons why and I immediately said, "because he's warm, fun, and friendly" and then she asked me to apply those to my stepmother Silence. She further went on to explain that I may have loved my stepmother but I did not like her and we want to hang with the people we like, they are our friends! We may be duty bound to the ones we love but we don't have to like them, don't have to hang around them any more than necessary.
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Old Aug 31, 2013, 07:27 AM
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therapy can help you understand your feelings and your families reactions, but only your heart can tell you what you want to do about this situation. I have been there got the postcard, photo, T shirt and umbrella! I too found it impossible to forget and forgive, it was tearing me apart, I dreaded every phone call, hated having to pretend everything was fine when inside I had nothing but contempt for them. finally I decided that all this contempt and dread bubbling inside was detrimental to my health and I severed all ties, changed my phone number, stopped replying to letters etc. and after a few years they got the message that I did not want or need them in my life. Family are not always happy places and even though I still get the shocked look when I tell people I have no family contact I feel a much better person than I did when I had contact.
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  #9  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 07:49 AM
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Did you, guys, feel guilty when you cut all ties? I was raised to feel guilty, I wonder how it will work when I cut all ties... My father tried to commit suicide some years ago and called me before than to tell me about his plans and make me feel guilty. I was too far away to be able to go there and stop him. Then, initially, I only felt extreme anger and injustice, I told him: "You've hurt me enough, how dare you try to make me feel guilty for having ruined your own life when you also ruined mine?" But then, after my cousin called to tell me what happened, I got this horrible feeling that there is something wrong with me, that I am carrying a curse that will always stay with me and make me less than the rest of the people around me. I felt as if the faults of my father make me worthless, like I should be aware that I am the daughter of a drunkard and accept my destiny and go there and try (for the countless time) to change him. It's hard to explain.... I feel as if I won't be worth if my parents don't change... And I sometimes feel like a fraud for being successful in the things I do, as if I am pretending to be "like the others"... Would it help to cut contact to them?
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  #10  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 08:56 AM
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Beta:

I understand. I understand so very much. My family denies everything that went on too, and outsiders to our family life would agree with the rest of them - because we had to act like our family was great.

My mom and my brother would do something awful, and then even a few hours later they would deny it and I'd end up feeling like I imagined the whole thing. If they kept going after me, eventually I would raise my voice because that was the reaction they wanted from me. To immediately get told to quiet down, the neighbours will hear, and what are you overreacting about anyway we were just having a conversation....

I cut ties with my younger brother. I didn't say anything to him about it... I just did. I have MINIMAL contact with my mom and it is through text messages, as she has learned that I will not use the phone.

You won't be able to change your family members. You can't change if you think that nothing is wrong with you; and that is what your family thinks about themselves. So they can't change.

You can though And you've already started to set your boundaries - and it's hellish, I know. They'll do everything they can to keep control over you and to keep you in that position of "guilt" so that they have someone to blame.

Truth be told, they'll even feel more assured that they're right once you assert those boundaries.

But we both know that they aren't. Ok? They aren't. Your perspective on how you grew up is correct and true.
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  #11  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 09:49 AM
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I've learned in therapy that our abusers place their blame and the resulting guilt and shame on us ... THEIR VICTIMS.

Yes, I felt a lot of guilt for finally standing up to them and saying "Enough! ... No More!".

I don't feel guilty about it anymore though ... That's their crap, not mine.

If your father commits suicide, that is his crap, not yours.

Abusers like to hold crap like that over our heads to keep us under their thumbs.

It's a form of manipulative brainwashing to ensure we stay in check.

Call him on his crap ... Take care of YOU and whatever they decide to do because you've decided you aren't going to put up with their crap anymore is all on them.

Again, it's not easy to make these heavy decisions after being conditioned by our abusers to not stick up for ourselves ... However, our physical, emotional and spiritual well-being depend on it.

Think of a person you love and care about deeply and how bravely you'd defend them if you saw them being maltreated ... Now ... Apply that same love, care and concern towards yourself ...

  #12  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 01:17 PM
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I stopped talking to my dad when I was 19 and even though we started talking again after a few months, it helped me a lot. Just the distance alone. I started to think of him as a person instead of a parent. I had this idea of what a father had to be like and I just kept trying to make him fit that idea. Then I realized that a person like my dad could never be that. I also realized that there were only so many things I could expect from him. And that, in my case, the few things he is able to give are better than not having him in my life. The stupid, unnecessary things he did in the past will always hurt I guess, as will the fact that he'll never acknowledge them or apologize but I'm fine with what we have now. I've never been able to say that about either of my parents or my grandma.

So, yeah. I'm probably not the right person to give advice --especially not right now-- but I think that if you've come to the point of contemplating cutting all ties with your parents, you should do it. And I understand that you're afraid that you'll feel guilty because my mom raised me like that, too. Sheis so manipulative that I'm afraid I won't be able to tell if she's ever honest. I think that it's already happened and at first the thought terrified me but, really, whose fault is it? Even if you feel guilty, see your guilt for what it is: something that they created to control you. You don't have to let them.
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  #13  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 02:14 PM
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Hi Beta,

Yes I do have experience with this type of situation.

My abuser (adoptive father) died when I was an older teen. Years later when I felt strong enough to confront his wife (my adoptive mother) about her role in what had happened, she acted as though I had made everything up. She claimed not to know anything about what was going on in the home which was ridiculous because at least twice social services had become involved. How in the hell she had the audacity to sit there and feign amnesia I'll never know.

The bottom line became clear; she was not going to accept responsibility no matter what evidence was placed in front of her. Who knows, maybe to admit her role in what happened is something that she couldn't bear.

I had to make the decision to cut her out of my life because I felt like there was no chance of us healing our relationship and moving forward so long as she refused to acknowledge her part in what had happened. Her preferred way of being is to act like I had a great childhood with loving adoptive parents when that was absolutely not the truth. I just couldn't continue with the lie like I had to do when I was a kid.

Not everyone is comfortable with cutting family out of their lives but for me I knew that if I didn't, my mental health would deteriorate further. It became an issue of self preservation and a desire to move forward and not stay stuck in a toxic situation.
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  #14  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 03:12 PM
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beta I'm so sorry to hear about this, it reminds me a lot of my own situation.

My family is also in denial, what's worse is that the trauma they do admit they blame on me saying I deserved it or try to minimize it by saying that what happened is not that traumatic. Denial is a common tactic of abusers and only serve to protect their own fragile egos.

What helped me a lot was reading this book "From Anger to Forgiveness: A practical guide to breaking the negative power of anger and achieving reconciliation" they give lots of good advice on what to do in your situation. Hope this helps.
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  #15  
Old Aug 31, 2013, 05:07 PM
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Thank you, Lissanya!!!! Thank you for sharing your personal experience!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lissanya View Post
I stopped talking to my dad when I was 19 and even though we started talking again after a few months, it helped me a lot. Just the distance alone. I started to think of him as a person instead of a parent. I had this idea of what a father had to be like and I just kept trying to make him fit that idea. Then I realized that a person like my dad could never be that. I also realized that there were only so many things I could expect from him. And that, in my case, the few things he is able to give are better than not having him in my life. The stupid, unnecessary things he did in the past will always hurt I guess, as will the fact that he'll never acknowledge them or apologize but I'm fine with what we have now. I've never been able to say that about either of my parents or my grandma.

So, yeah. I'm probably not the right person to give advice --especially not right now-- but I think that if you've come to the point of contemplating cutting all ties with your parents, you should do it. And I understand that you're afraid that you'll feel guilty because my mom raised me like that, too. Sheis so manipulative that I'm afraid I won't be able to tell if she's ever honest. I think that it's already happened and at first the thought terrified me but, really, whose fault is it? Even if you feel guilty, see your guilt for what it is: something that they created to control you. You don't have to let them.
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Old Aug 31, 2013, 05:19 PM
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Yes, there is something universally wrong, unjust in the situation when guilt is denid by the abuser. I remember I watched a move some months ago, I don't remember the title, it was Asian, Kim Ki Duk's movie. The story was about a girl who has to prostitute and she works at her relatives' hotel/house. They despise her although they earn their living form her and they abuse her, alongside with the abusive work situation. At some point they started living together like a happy family... AFter she was beaten badly they just started acting different but there was no reconciliation, and all felt so wrong, so unjust... I was angry at the family and that made me feel about my family. Maybe they will never like me as a person, they thing I am too strange and intellectual, but I don't like them either and if I can't get from them what one should get from their family - love and acceptance, then to hell with them. Thank you, guys, you have no idea how much strength and hop you gave me with your comments. I want to hug you all!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lissanya View Post
I stopped talking to my dad when I was 19 and even though we started talking again after a few months, it helped me a lot. Just the distance alone. I started to think of him as a person instead of a parent. I had this idea of what a father had to be like and I just kept trying to make him fit that idea. Then I realized that a person like my dad could never be that. I also realized that there were only so many things I could expect from him. And that, in my case, the few things he is able to give are better than not having him in my life. The stupid, unnecessary things he did in the past will always hurt I guess, as will the fact that he'll never acknowledge them or apologize but I'm fine with what we have now. I've never been able to say that about either of my parents or my grandma.

So, yeah. I'm probably not the right person to give advice --especially not right now-- but I think that if you've come to the point of contemplating cutting all ties with your parents, you should do it. And I understand that you're afraid that you'll feel guilty because my mom raised me like that, too. Sheis so manipulative that I'm afraid I won't be able to tell if she's ever honest. I think that it's already happened and at first the thought terrified me but, really, whose fault is it? Even if you feel guilty, see your guilt for what it is: something that they created to control you. You don't have to let them.
Quote:
Originally Posted by yellowfrog268 View Post
Hi Beta,

Yes I do have experience with this type of situation.

My abuser (adoptive father) died when I was an older teen. Years later when I felt strong enough to confront his wife (my adoptive mother) about her role in what had happened, she acted as though I had made everything up. She claimed not to know anything about what was going on in the home which was ridiculous because at least twice social services had become involved. How in the hell she had the audacity to sit there and feign amnesia I'll never know.

The bottom line became clear; she was not going to accept responsibility no matter what evidence was placed in front of her. Who knows, maybe to admit her role in what happened is something that she couldn't bear.

I had to make the decision to cut her out of my life because I felt like there was no chance of us healing our relationship and moving forward so long as she refused to acknowledge her part in what had happened. Her preferred way of being is to act like I had a great childhood with loving adoptive parents when that was absolutely not the truth. I just couldn't continue with the lie like I had to do when I was a kid.

Not everyone is comfortable with cutting family out of their lives but for me I knew that if I didn't, my mental health would deteriorate further. It became an issue of self preservation and a desire to move forward and not stay stuck in a toxic situation.
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  #17  
Old Jan 28, 2015, 09:35 AM
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I like the idea of the letter. Yes, that might help. I don't know, maybe here childhood trauma is not trendy among therapists, I can't find anybody specializing in this
Hi there,
Not sure if this 'replying' thing is working right! I was wondering how you got on with the letter. I wrote to my stepfather a year ago saying what I remembered, nicely, and received a torrent of abusive emails over the next year. I detached, ignored. Eventually he tried to reconcile recently, pretending we were both hurt and should try again. I blocked him and raised it with my mother. He used to beat her viciously which she never denied before but now she is denying it. She told me I dreamed it. It was so surreal I felt disorientated and unreal, and over the course of the day begun questioning the reality of everything. Today I feel normal again, and I know that what happened happened. I am still struggling to believe that she has tried to make me believe my memories are false, when I have never forgotten the incidents since the time they happened. I am struggling too to realise that she is as bad as him, and as dishonest as all the other abusers I hear about. I had avoided knowing this by never challenging her. It's hard. I also had negative therapist experiences, except one who was nice but didn't do more than be kind. A good number did more harm than good.
All the same I am considering studying therapy and specialising in children of narcissists and psychopaths. So I will have to find a decent one for my training!
I hope it all went ok,
Sintrepid
PS I love your little wishbone phrase
  #18  
Old Mar 20, 2017, 12:33 AM
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Hi there,
Not sure if this 'replying' thing is working right! I was wondering how you got on with the letter. I wrote to my stepfather a year ago saying what I remembered, nicely, and received a torrent of abusive emails over the next year. I detached, ignored. Eventually he tried to reconcile recently, pretending we were both hurt and should try again. I blocked him and raised it with my mother. He used to beat her viciously which she never denied before but now she is denying it. She told me I dreamed it. It was so surreal I felt disorientated and unreal, and over the course of the day begun questioning the reality of everything. Today I feel normal again, and I know that what happened happened. I am still struggling to believe that she has tried to make me believe my memories are false, when I have never forgotten the incidents since the time they happened. I am struggling too to realise that she is as bad as him, and as dishonest as all the other abusers I hear about. I had avoided knowing this by never challenging her. It's hard. I also had negative therapist experiences, except one who was nice but didn't do more than be kind. A good number did more harm than good.
All the same I am considering studying therapy and specialising in children of narcissists and psychopaths. So I will have to find a decent one for my training!
I hope it all went ok,
Sintrepid
PS I love your little wishbone phrase
Hi, sorry to hear about the way your parents reacted. Something that helped me to come to terms with my mom's denial was what a friend and a therapist told me. She said that admitting and remembering you have been cruel to your child is too hard for a parent. If they are not complete monsters, they want to believe they did everything possible to be good and raise their kids well. And sometimes people act automatically, they do weird, cruel things, with some sort of logic that comes from emotions and not from the mind. They might think the most horrible disciplining is the right way to teach a kid how to survive their adult life.

This is a very late reply but in the meantime my father died. It was after a few months of him not picking the phone on me because I got angry that he had taken a loan that he doesn't intend to repay and had given my name and phone number to the credit company to call. I never wrote the letter (as far as I remember) and lately have very little contact with my family, apart from my mother who calls every few days. We almost never discuss anything important, just have the same dialogue again and again about food, weather, and that's it. I sometimes feel like confiding in her and I do this, although I had decided I shouldn't because she is not a reliable person. I've come to terms with the fact that she has had a tough childhood and she never really wanted a child, she wanted a mother to soothe her. She didn't have the emotional stability and resilience to be there for me, she was short-tempered and easily irritated by me because she poured her own self-loathing and low self-esteem onto me. I used to feel angry that both my mom and my dad became much nicer to me once i didn't need them anymore, that they would seek support, reassurance, guidance from me, when they didn't give me any. Now I am mostly sad when I think about this - I can see they were lost in their own way and didn't have much to give but needed a lot to take. My sadness is that I might be repeating this pattern. I'm torturing myself a lot now and then and feel sad that I would've been able to do much more if I didn't have to fight the monsters in my soul. But I think I find some sort of consolations, understanding and forgiveness in the thought that I was raised by two broken parents, who, at that point, couldn't do better, and among family that didn't want to admit that there is anything wrong so they can save face. It took decades for them to admit my father was an alcoholic, despite being witness to his almost daily comatose drunkenness.

I hope you find some solace.
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