[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

I have spoke to several people. Only one person got it. Actually understood...

It is not a choice that a victim makes on whether to stay or not to stay - its all about manipulation and brainwashing.

Why do so many people blame the victim? When I was being abused - for years all I heard was

Possible trigger:

"well if you won't leave, stop crying about it, you deserve it."

That damaged me as much as the abuse. It reinforced the idea that "I deserve this". So.. I stayed.

I get so angry seeing or hearing even implied messages of it. I don't get it. How can people truly think it's a choice? Do they sincerely think we wake up and think "yea, I like being treated like crap, I'm gonna stay."? What utter nonsense!

Sorry but I been severely triggered most the day, it helped a bit to speak to the one person- but I really want more to understand, you know?

[childofchaos831]

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

I have spoke to several people. Only one person got it. Actually understood...

It is not a choice that a victim makes on whether to stay or not to stay - its all about manipulation and brainwashing.

Why do so many people blame the victim? When I was being abused - for years all I heard was

Possible trigger:

"well if you won't leave, stop crying about it, you deserve it."

That damaged me as much as the abuse. It reinforced the idea that "I deserve this". So.. I stayed.

I get so angry seeing or hearing even implied messages of it. I don't get it. How can people truly think it's a choice? Do they sincerely think we wake up and think "yea, I like being treated like crap, I'm gonna stay."? What utter nonsense!

Sorry but I been severely triggered most the day, it helped a bit to speak to the one person- but I really want more to understand, you know?

I get the same kind of response when I talk about how my mom is... like I choose to stay. I have nowhere else to go. I am financially dependant on her for almost everything. I don't get nearly enough from SSDI to support myself.

I am so sorry you have had to go thru that as well.

I understand.

People have asked me why I stay with my abusive parents rather than leave the household where my brothers still also reside. They don't understand that breaking the cultural taboo in my Asian country will cause the entire, large, extended family to invalidate me, reject me, blame me, shame me. Because the estrangement from everyone in my extended and immediate family will hurt more to me.

So I stay and get told I should stop crying about it. People don't understand CHOICELESS CHOICE like what you've described.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by childofchaos831

I get the same kind of response when I talk about how my mom is... like I choose to stay. I have nowhere else to go. I am financially dependant on her for almost everything. I don't get nearly enough from SSDI to support myself.

I am so sorry you have had to go thru that as well.

I am lucky. I got out from under it - but it took me 8yrs. If I would have had more positive support instead of negativity, I may have got out quicker. I hate hearing that you are going through it now. I was also financially dependant on my abuser. It is s common tactic.

Here - this shows some dynamics of it.

Emotional Abuse And Brainwashing

Have you checked to see if there are any abuse shelters in your area? They will help you with finances and other things once you are there...

Crypts_Of_The_Mind-
Sorry if I triggered you today. Yes, I do understand that finances and cultural expectations sometimes play a large role in the choices we are forced to make. We have no control regarding the family we were born into and the longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more entangled in the situation we can get (For example, when we have children).
I'm glad that you are beginning to escape. Hopefully, as time goes by, insensitive people like me will be less triggering for you.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

Crypts_Of_The_Mind-
Sorry if I triggered you today. Yes, I do understand that finances and cultural expectations sometimes play a large role in the choices we are forced to make. We have no control regarding the family we were born into and the longer you are in a relationship with someone, the more entangled in the situation we can get (For example, when we have children).
I'm glad that you are beginning to escape. Hopefully, as time goes by, insensitive people like me will be less triggering for you.

You did not trigger me, nor do I find you insensitive. This is about something entirely different.

❤

[GreenBlueRed]

It upsets me, too.

Possible trigger:

I tried to confide in someone that I was sexually assaulted by a mutual friend. It was an older woman I thought would be wise and supportive. Instead, she said I was lying, and then she said, "you must have done something to make him act that way." Then she told another female friend what I said even though I told her not to tell others, and that person got angry at me and accused me of lying.

I came away from sexual assualt and the reaction to it feeling so confused and guilty, thinking it was my fault.

Possible trigger:

I confronted the person who attacked me and asked him to apologize. He refused, and said it wasn't his fault because he was drunk. I never saw him again after that, but we had a wide circle of friends and they started asking questions.

We had a mutual close friend. That friend asked me why I stopped talking to this person, and to him, I was honest. He didn't believe me either. Then two months later, he called me on the phone and apologized profusely for not believing me or supporting me. He said he was assaulted, and now he understood that it wasn't a choice, that "saying no and running away" wasn't always possible, because you get scared and paralyzed, feel you have no where to run. He said he was no longer going to be friends with a person that put me in that situation.

The only person who was sympathetic was someone who also was hurt that way. Why does it take a personal experience before people understand? It should not be so difficult, but apparently it is.

[Onward2wards]

I really can't think how right now, but one of the things I would love to do is help raise awareness about the kind of misinformed thinking that is obviously out there. I mean, in an advocacy and activism way, not just speaking up at random. It feels personal to me, because I have had very close friends over the years who are survivors - and for some reason I have always felt profound upset that abuse even exists anyway.

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by GreenBlueRed

It upsets me, too.

Possible trigger:

I tried to confide in someone that I was sexually assaulted by a mutual friend. It was an older woman I thought would be wise and supportive. Instead, she said I was lying, and then she said, "you must have done something to make him act that way." Then she told another female friend what I said even though I told her not to tell others, and that person got angry at me and accused me of lying.

I came away from sexual assualt and the reaction to it feeling so confused and guilty, thinking it was my fault.

Possible trigger:

I confronted the person who attacked me and asked him to apologize. He refused, and said it wasn't his fault because he was drunk. I never saw him again after that, but we had a wide circle of friends and they started asking questions.

We had a mutual close friend. That friend asked me why I stopped talking to this person, and to him, I was honest. He didn't believe me either. Then two months later, he called me on the phone and apologized profusely for not believing me or supporting me. He said he was assaulted, and now he understood that it wasn't a choice, that "saying no and running away" wasn't always possible, because you get scared and paralyzed, feel you have no where to run. He said he was no longer going to be friends with a person that put me in that situation.

The only person who was sympathetic was someone who also was hurt that way. Why does it take a personal experience before people understand? It should not be so difficult, but apparently it is.

That's the problem. And I am not one to wish harm on anyone - so I really dont want anyone to be able to "empathize" (because thar would mean they have some experience that allows them to understand and sympathize with me) but it would be nice to have people believe you and just help you through the emotions that come from it...

I guess I'm one of those people that don't fully understand why people stay with abusers and I'm sorry if I might of triggered you somewhere.

I don't get it in part because I was lucky due to the fact that my abusive mother died which allowed me to get away but even before then, I always have had an aggressive personality and extreme anger issues to where I would have physically attacked somebody for getting in my way and I only stayed with her because I couldn't support myself financially so that's that.

I guess it makes me angry when people treat somebody so poorly that they feel that way. It almost makes me want to become a masked vigilante that goes after abusers and beats them into a bloody pulp and locks them up in dungeons so they can't hurt the victim anymore because it seems like it takes the abuser's death or imprisonment for the victim to truly be free.

So yeah, I'm sorry if I don't fully understand

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

I guess I'm one of those people that don't fully understand why people stay with abusers and I'm sorry if I might of triggered you somewhere.

I don't get it in part because I was lucky due to the fact that my abusive mother died which allowed me to get away but even before then, I always have had an aggressive personality and extreme anger issues to where I would have physically attacked somebody for getting in my way and I only stayed with her because I couldn't support myself financially so that's that.

I guess it makes me angry when people treat somebody so poorly that they feel that way. It almost makes me want to become a masked vigilante that goes after abusers and beats them into a bloody pulp and locks them up in dungeons so they can't hurt the victim anymore because it seems like it takes the abuser's death or imprisonment for the victim to truly be free.

So yeah, I'm sorry if I don't fully understand

It's ok to not understand, what's not ok is to then blame the victim for their abuse simply because you do not understand. The victim can explain his or her reasons, and though they may sound flimsy to you, you will then begin to understand how deeply the abusers brainwash their victims before they even begin the abuse ... and continue with it throughout the abuse. If you would like, I can talk to you one on one and explain a bit about it - but I don't remember speaking to you about this yesterday? I got triggered bad bc of things many ppl said regarding this yesterday.

Originally Posted by Crypts_Of_The_Mind

It's ok to not understand, what's not ok is to then blame the victim for their abuse simply because you do not understand. The victim can explain his or her reasons, and though they may sound flimsy to you, you will then begin to understand how deeply the abusers brainwash their victims before they even begin the abuse ... and continue with it throughout the abuse. If you would like, I can talk to you one on one and explain a bit about it - but I don't remember speaking to you about this yesterday? I got triggered bad bc of things many ppl said regarding this yesterday.

Sorry, thought you might have stumbled onto one of my other posts and it upset you.

I will admit, this very thing happened to a former of friend of mine which makes me angry just thinking about it. The more I think on this topic, the more I grow to believe that it should be legal for a victim to murder one's abuser. Anybody who is such a ****** person that they would be this mean to somebody deserves death in my honest opinion.

Anyways, I will stop now. Message me if you would like

[Crypts_Of_The_Mind]

Originally Posted by DarknessIsMyFriend

Sorry, thought you might have stumbled onto one of my other posts and it upset you.

I will admit, this very thing happened to a former of friend of mine which makes me angry just thinking about it. The more I think on this topic, the more I grow to believe that it should be legal for a victim to murder one's abuser. Anybody who is such a ****** person that they would be this mean to somebody deserves death in my honest opinion.

Anyways, I will stop now. Message me if you would like

See, that attitude is fine. It keeps blame on the abuser...not the victim. But when people start saying the victim must like it, or deserves it...that's what I have issue with.