[Abbyswyth]

I'd like to share something that happened to me repeatedly as a young (13-14 years of age) teen. Maybe someone else here has experienced something like it. My mother was a narcissist and my father her enabler. My relationship with my mother was sad in that I received next to no emotional nuturing or warmth from her. Had it not been for my father's love and approval, I'd have grown up scarcely knowing what love was.

My mother used me as a buffer between herself and my father, whom she despised because he loved and displayed affection to me that she believed should be hers alone. Sometimes for days or weeks at a time she would sleep in the extra bed in my bedroom rather than sleep with my father, presumably to punish him for some unknown offense.

Possible trigger:

More than once in the middle of the night my father came into my bedroom to engage in sex with my mother, which when awakened I found very disturbing. It seemed as though my mother was manipulating my father to "punish" me by violating my personal boundaries. I felt worthless, unimportant, disrespected, severely depressed. I wanted to leap from my bed and yell at them to go back to their own room, but I was so emotionally broken down, I didn't have the nerve, but pretended to be asleep. All the while I wondered: If Mom didn't want sex with my father in their own bedroom, why did she accept him in mine?

I call it "psychosexual" abuse. I don't know if that's a legitimate term; I made it up. By the time I was 15 or so, the abuse stopped. Why? I don't know.

I grew up not knowing how to establish personal boundaries, with chronic depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. I eventually married an abuser. For many years I was disconnected from my feelings, experiencing from time to time what I can only describe as bizarre "out-of-body" episodes where I felt like I didn't recognize people I'd known for all my life, like I was meeting them for the first time; the same with certain physical locations. Twenty years ago, through the suggestion of my therapist, I confronted my parents (together at the same time) with what had happened. Both of them denied what had happened. My father said he couldn't remember . My mother went so far as to say that I'd "imagined" it all. Gaslighting, I think they call it.

What happened here? Has anyone else experienced anything like this? Thanks for listening.

[Amyjay]

Hello. yes i have experienced that. Although in my case it was my father forcing himself on my mother while she protested that he would wake us up (me and my little sister). it made me sick that they did that in the same room as us. I am quite sure my father wanted us to see and hear it.
yes it was abuse and was completely inappropriate. They would utterly deny it like everything else too.

[nicoleflynn]

Most abusers will not admit their abuse. I think a letter of "restorative justice" is empowering; restorative justice says....this is what you did; this is how it made me feel....the letter is good because the abuser can't overtalk or deny what they did; the letter is for YOU.

[Abbyswyth]

Maybe my post was, in effect, a letter of "restorative justice." Simply stated, it said "this is what they did and this is how I felt." It felt very good to say it. Thanks for your response.

[Abbyswyth]

Originally Posted by Amyjay

Hello. yes i have experienced that. Although in my case it was my father forcing himself on my mother while she protested that he would wake us up (me and my little sister). it made me sick that they did that in the same room as us. I am quite sure my father wanted us to see and hear it.
yes it was abuse and was completely inappropriate. They would utterly deny it like everything else too.

Amyjay, thanks for sharing your similar experience. I'm sorry that happened to you, esp. understanding how awful it makes you feel. How parents, of all people, could deliberately treat their offspring in such a way is sickening indeed. Of course they denied it. Anyone who would do such a thing would have no qualms about lying about it.

I was punished for loving and being loved. How messed up is that?

[starfruit504]

I'm sorry they lied to you like that. That must have been very disheartening.

I had a similarly strange situation growing up. Until I was 9 years old, my parents insisted that my brother and I sleep in their bedroom on a sofa bed. One of them would sleep in the middle of the bed with us to "put us to sleep" then in the middle of the night they'd get up and join the other parent in their own bed.

I was told this was because I was afraid to sleep in my own bedroom, but this is untrue. I was never given a chance to sleep in my own room. The one time I tried, they kept telling me scary stories about being alone in the dark and that made me go back to their bedroom.

Where did they have sex during this 8-10 year period? Right there in the room with us.

What was all that "put you to bed" stuff about? It was an opportunity for my NPD dad to sexually abuse me with my mother and brother right there in the room sleeping.

I never confronted him about this. He'd only deny it like he denies ever doing anything wrong. I went no contact 2 years ago.

In my case, I really feel like it was all a power play. It wasn't really about sex as it was about control. "I control this woman and this little girl and I can do whatever I want to them whenever I feel it." He kept us toys at his disposal.

[Fuzzybear]