[ACrystalGem]

It's been 25 years since I ran away from my abusive family. The abuse started when I was 3 with my dad, and carried on with different family members & their friends right up until I was 22 (when I ran). I've spoken openly about my experiences, written about it, and seen lots of therapists, some good and some awful. The thing I'm having a hard time with is, denial of a specific kind.

Increasing amounts of memories are surfacing, now I'm dealing with both an Eating Disorder (which I'm making good progress with) and Dissociative Identity Disorder (less good progress). I'm in denial about what my dad did to me when I was so young - and how he was probably the only person who could have stopped anyone else from hurting me when he grew tired of me at aged 8.

I squashed down so many memories in order to survive - I don't blame myself or little me for that. But I can't get my head around how someone could do that to me. As I'm typing this, I know how stupid that sounds. I know that people abuse kids all the time. I can accept (in a way) that my dad abused me, but I don't want to admit that he left me with others who would abuse me for money. The fear I had with those other men was worse than anything I felt when I was with my dad. That fear still gives me nightmare flashbacks.

I'm also very sad that 25 years after escaping and dealing with the effects of that previous life, I'm still facing new stuff. I honestly do want to move on, but it feels impossible when stuff like this keeps coming up.

[ladyrain]

Hi ACrystalgem,

I can relate to you in a lot of ways.Its been 30 years for me since I left and I'm just now starting therapy to deal with it.I still don't have many memories but the ones I do paralyze me with fear of telling.Sitting with you

take care
LadyRain