[cosmospanda]

Initially, I was going to write a negative post, but I feel the majority of everyone needs a little breath of fresh air here and there. This post will contain triggers, so please be warned before venturing further. I am not trying to make light of each situation, but shine a different light on it. It kills me a little bit each day, but I cannot give other people control that they already took from me. (Or it's more of an attempt to be more positive; it's more venting, so I apologize.)

Trigger warning: sexual assault and weight gain (eating disorder).

I don't know what to call him--but I know what to call what he did to me, and sometimes I doubt it was rape. It drives me crazy--day in and day out. I have nightmares about it constantly. I think about it. I tried to fight it with therapy and medication and the justice system. Nothing seems to help.

I realized I had gained weight over the years since it happened. It's as if I'm trying to fill some kind of void within myself and find closure within this. But I'm in the dark and not sure what goes where and I don't know where I am in my own head. It's not safe for me in my head sometimes, but I don't like to show it to other people.

This thing bothers me. I want to get back into my old habits of enjoying working out and walking. I used to be fitter. I want to be able to bench 130lbs (I am female, this is well over half my weight) and learn jiu jitsu. Something about it makes me happy--and I feel strong when I work out. But for some long I gave him more control than he took from me initially. Kind of like a hand out--here take every piece of me, asshole. But not anymore.

I just don't know if this is the only thing I can do. I don't want him to be the reason for me becoming more dedicated and obsessed since he took so much from me already. I feel like this is my closure, but that's for today. Maybe tomorrow will be like yesterday was--tears and hiding myself away.

[GreenBlueRed]

I'd like to share with you an episode of the Sporkful podcast, where comedian Margaret Cho gives her thoughts on weight and abuse (about 17 minutes in). It isn't the entire focus of this episode, but what you say here reminded me of this part of the interview. You speak about trying to be more positive in a bad situation. Some of the best comedians have the darkest histories.

Raina One Year Later «

[nicoleflynn]

I have read that someone who has been assaulted quite frequently gain weight, thinking it will protect them. Please dont let the abuser control your life. Think about seeing a professional and do the things that make you happy. xo

[Big Mama]

Thank you GreenBlueRed for sharing that link. I look forward to listening to it later.

Nicholeflynn - My H has pretty much told me until I resolve my abuse issues I will have a very hard time, not impossible time, but very hard time losing weight. Stress creates courtosol and creates the opportunity for your body to store fat and convert all food into fat for emergencies. I have lost weight, just a little. But it was when I no longer lived at home with the abuse. Now that I have returned home, I have stopped losing weight even though I have done nothing different. It is definitely stress related. (I went back to an abusve relationship)

[cosmospanda]

Big Mama-- I never thought of it as stress, but your post helped me realize that even every day stresses the majority of us face can cause weight gain. I'm not sure how I overlooked this. I hope you are doing well.