So I want to talk about consent.

My ex T raped and abused me a LOT. I didn’t even know anything was going on for two years, as he used a combination of drugs and hypnosis to make sure I didn’t remember anything. Now the memories are coming back, I know some really obviously bad things happened. The kind of things that when viewed on video are really obviously bad, violent, heinous things.

What has come to light recently is that there is also video of apparently ‘intimate’ episodes. These episodes I was just as just as drugged and hypnotised for as the ‘bad’ stuff. I know that, because not just because I have absolutely zero erotic attraction to my T, but I have zero erotic attraction to anyone.

I have been celibate (consensually speaking) for 14 years now. Its something I am proud of. Something I am not afraid of talking about. To me, celibacy is normal. I feel attracted to people, but nothing in me wants to have sex with them. That’s a longstanding issue. Im forty now, when I was 18 years old I was trying to persuade my bf of the time in to a non sexual relationship. Every relationship since then has suffered from the same ‘they want sex and I don’t’ issue. I just don’t have that ‘I want sex’ gene that other people have. Deciding to refuse all sex until I actually want it is the best thing I ever did for myself. I was true to myself. I did what I needed to do. I’m not anti sex, I just haven’t found someone that makes me want to do ‘it’. I just don’t get that apparently normal yearning to bump uglies that everyone else gets. I just don’t get that.

Sure I idolised my ex T. I thought he was wonderful. I thought he would save me. I thought he understood me. I thought all sorts of deep and meaningful things about him. But not once did I think I wanted to have sex with him. He reminded me of my brother in a lot of ways. I liked that way of relating to him. I certainly do not want to have sex with my brother, and I did not want to have sex with ex T.

So ex T used and abused me. Its an age old tale Im humiliated enough to have fallen for. So many memories are coming back now that I just did not know at the time. He involved so many people including colleagues at work. Like the time my ‘friend’ at work and I had a conversation about affairs. I explained that my horror at having an affair with a married man wasn’t purely the feminist ethics I absolutely live by. But also my fear of cross contamination.

Possible trigger:

The thought of coming across crispy dried wife goo …. URGH. Within two days ex T turned up at my door demanding I lick fresh wife goo off his penis. He proudly announced he had just had sex with her, and I had to lick her off him. And I did.

It’s the most disgusting thing, and I cant explain why I did it. I was miserable. I did not want this. I didn’t even remember it had happened. It was yet another drugged / hypno session I had zero control over.

And so when you’re viewing video of someone apparently consenting, always wonder – what drugs, what mind control did it take to get her to do that? The fact that I am the most frigid, most celibate, least likely person to partake in the videos you have seen makes this whole scenario even sicker than you first thought. Nothing I did was consensual. He had to drug me, and hynoptise to do every last second of those videos, because I wouldn’t have done a single one without that. Im not holier than thou. There are plenty of things to pick holes in me about. Im no Mother Theresa. Im not perfect. But the one thing I am, 100%, without any doubt and with a long line of frustrated boyfriends as evidence – is that I am truly not in to sex. I am a feminist, and the last thing I would ever do is have any kind of sex with a married man. That’s just not who I am. I don’t know what ‘intimate’ moments you’ve seen. But what you were watching wasn’t intimate. It was rape

[PreciousQueen]

Originally Posted by lbahttpro2gm

So I want to talk about consent.

My ex T raped and abused me a LOT. I didn’t even know anything was going on for two years, as he used a combination of drugs and hypnosis to make sure I didn’t remember anything. Now the memories are coming back, I know some really obviously bad things happened. The kind of things that when viewed on video are really obviously bad, violent, heinous things.

What has come to light recently is that there is also video of apparently ‘intimate’ episodes. These episodes I was just as just as drugged and hypnotised for as the ‘bad’ stuff. I know that, because not just because I have absolutely zero erotic attraction to my T, but I have zero erotic attraction to anyone.

I have been celibate (consensually speaking) for 14 years now. Its something I am proud of. Something I am not afraid of talking about. To me, celibacy is normal. I feel attracted to people, but nothing in me wants to have sex with them. That’s a longstanding issue. Im forty now, when I was 18 years old I was trying to persuade my bf of the time in to a non sexual relationship. Every relationship since then has suffered from the same ‘they want sex and I don’t’ issue. I just don’t have that ‘I want sex’ gene that other people have. Deciding to refuse all sex until I actually want it is the best thing I ever did for myself. I was true to myself. I did what I needed to do. I’m not anti sex, I just haven’t found someone that makes me want to do ‘it’. I just don’t get that apparently normal yearning to bump uglies that everyone else gets. I just don’t get that.

Sure I idolised my ex T. I thought he was wonderful. I thought he would save me. I thought he understood me. I thought all sorts of deep and meaningful things about him. But not once did I think I wanted to have sex with him. He reminded me of my brother in a lot of ways. I liked that way of relating to him. I certainly do not want to have sex with my brother, and I did not want to have sex with ex T.

So ex T used and abused me. Its an age old tale Im humiliated enough to have fallen for. So many memories are coming back now that I just did not know at the time. He involved so many people including colleagues at work. Like the time my ‘friend’ at work and I had a conversation about affairs. I explained that my horror at having an affair with a married man wasn’t purely the feminist ethics I absolutely live by. But also my fear of cross contamination.

Possible trigger:

The thought of coming across crispy dried wife goo …. URGH. Within two days ex T turned up at my door demanding I lick fresh wife goo off his penis. He proudly announced he had just had sex with her, and I had to lick her off him. And I did.

It’s the most disgusting thing, and I cant explain why I did it. I was miserable. I did not want this. I didn’t even remember it had happened. It was yet another drugged / hypno session I had zero control over.

And so when you’re viewing video of someone apparently consenting, always wonder – what drugs, what mind control did it take to get her to do that? The fact that I am the most frigid, most celibate, least likely person to partake in the videos you have seen makes this whole scenario even sicker than you first thought. Nothing I did was consensual. He had to drug me, and hynoptise to do every last second of those videos, because I wouldn’t have done a single one without that. Im not holier than thou. There are plenty of things to pick holes in me about. Im no Mother Theresa. Im not perfect. But the one thing I am, 100%, without any doubt and with a long line of frustrated boyfriends as evidence – is that I am truly not in to sex. I am a feminist, and the last thing I would ever do is have any kind of sex with a married man. That’s just not who I am. I don’t know what ‘intimate’ moments you’ve seen. But what you were watching wasn’t intimate. It was rape

I am sorry and you didn't do anything to deserve it. There is NO excuse on the planet for him to have even thought about doing it. I went through something similar, but he didn't have to use drugs.

***trigger warning***

My old therapist read the texts he sent me and said he know how to twist my mind just using words. He's a master manipulator, a sociopath and if I had stayed, probably would have killed me. He was showing signs. There really is nothing to do to stop it.
Just know that you are not alone and you are loved. I'm here if you want to talk.

[HowDoYouFeelMeow?]

I am so sorry. Scopolamine is known to cause those effects. Female 'Devil's Breath' criminals are blowing drug powder in victim's faces | Daily Mail Online

[eyesclosed]

Oh my what a evil man how can someone do this to anybody. Nothing can be done about this man? He is doing it too others.

[DodgersMom]

So sad and scary that some T's are actually like this.

Sorry you experienced it.