[lebestiole]

Hello everyone! This is a question thas has bugged my mind for a couple of years, and I need to put an answer to it. Thank you for your help!

My parents got divorced when I was around 1 year old. As I grew up I'd see him every Saturday or Sunday, he married again and had another kid. He was always quite open with his sex talk, even if I was a little girl. At first it didn't bother me, but when I got older I realized that this type of conversation was not appropiate because he'd talk to me about women and sex as if I was a male friend, and not his daughter.

He'd also touch/squeeze my breasts when we where in the car, or slap my butt when we where at his house. Sometimes he'd touch my legs and ask who they belonged to, I would say "you". At first I thought he was being "funny" or "protective as a father", never crossed my mind that he was being sexual, but after a few years it made me feel uncomfortable and I asked him to stop when I turned around 18 years old. I also told him I didn't want to talk about sex with him and he got upset and told me that he didn't raise me to be a prude, but he did stop.

Now, I'm confused cause he never had sex with me, he never intimidated me into anything, etc.

We don't see each other frequently because he makes me feel uncomfortable for the reasons mentioned above, and because we also had other serious fights about money and his lack of parenting skills.

So, was I abused? Or was he just being idiotic?

Thank you!

[Unrigged64072835]

There is a thing called covert sexual abuse. Google it.

This happened between me and my mother.

[Amyjay]

I also think it sounds like covert abuse. It definitely wasn't appropriate for a father/daughter relationship and would make any young girl very uncomfortable. Its very sad that your father was like that. No wonder you don't feel comfortable around him. because of his behavior you can't have a normal father daughter relationship.

[leejosepho]

"Sometimes covert incest victims feel special and privileged but also creeped out by the attention they are given."
--"The Insidious Type Of Sexual Abuse You Might Be Ignoring"

You would accomplish nothing by hating him, of course, but yes, he definitely bruised you.

[lebestiole]

Well, ****.

It definitely is covert sexual abuse. And it hit me hard. I don't know what to do... Should I see a therapist? What kind of therapist?

How do I overcome this? My mom knows (I told her a few days ago) but I think she's too disturbed and bringing up the subject would break her heart. I don't want to do it.

Man, I'm afraid now. What if I do the same when I have kids? Will I ever have kids? I'm sex repulsed, and while I'm ok with that, I'm not ok with the reason of why I am like that.

Should I confront my dad? Stop seeing him completely?

This seriously ****ed me up, I'm so sad and upset right now. I'm confused.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by lebestiole

We don't see each other frequently...

Should I confront my dad? Stop seeing him completely?

This seriously ****ed me up, I'm so sad and upset right now. I'm confused.

Confronting him would accomplish little or nothing since he is not likely to acknowledge what he has done, how he has hurt you and that he needs to take a close look at himself, see his errors and ask for your forgiveness while doing whatever he might be able to do in relation to helping to make it possible for you to heal. Having a sick father can sometimes be worse that having no father at all, and I would suggest you look for a counselor or therapist who can help you separate what happened to you from your actual value as a human being and then learn to move along. To stop seeing your dad completely might be a good idea, and you might prepare a letter to later give him explaining why if he might ever ask. But whatever you do, I would suggest not trying to actually discuss any of this with him unless that is being done under the immediate direction (presence) of a good counselor or therapist.

[nicoleflynn]

I think writing a letter of restorative justice would be helpful (takes your power back); restorative justice says....this is what you did, this is how it made me feel. The letter is for YOU. Most abusers will not acknowledge what they did.

[lebestiole]

Thank you for your kind replies, guys!

I have a therapist that helps me with my anxiety and I've been seeing her for a year now, I'll ask her if she thinks it's alright to confront my dad in a session. I might chicken out though...

I like the idea of writing a letter, but should I give it to him? I know an abuser won't take responsability for what he did, but I want him to know how bad he hurt me... and at the same time I don't want to be too agressive either.

Thank you, guys, really. Knowing what happened was awful, but at least I now know it did happen and I'll try my best to get better.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by lebestiole

I like the idea of writing a letter, but should I give it to him?

Not unless you can do so without any expectation whatsoever. Let him know you have learned he is disturbed and tell him you grieve for him and that you are now working at getting past the harm he committed and caused against you...and then stop talking. The letter is not a vent or a rant, just something to let him know you will no longer be tolerating any such behaviour and that you are willing to forgive and leave it all behind if he might ever learn to be the kind of father any child should have.