Stockholm syndrome is driving me crazy

I have Stockholm Syndrome. I am not sure if this is hte right section to put this under or not. It is so close to PTSD yet it stems from abuse, so IDK.

I guess right now I just need to state how I feel and what kind of issues I have going on.

What drives me CrAzY:

1. My need to return to my abuser

2. My sick rational that causes me to stay with him

3. My ability to take all the crap and agree that I deserve it

4. His way of being kind just long enough to make me wonder if I am making mountains out of mole hills when I think back about the past

5.My inability to see the truth. He can convince me of anything, even when I can see it with my own eyes. I allow myself to be swayed by his words.

6. My inability to believe in myself. Allowing him to convince me that I am lazy, a lair, crazy, stupid, worthless, useless.

7. My ability to forgive him time and time again, only to suffer the same fate again and again.

8. My ability to take up for him to others and to myself

9. Knowing he is driving me crazy yet I don;t do anything to stop him or I do not leave

All of this stuff is slowly killing me, yet I cannot leave it behind. People think I like this drama, but I DO NOT!!!!! It is a silent hell I cannot escape. I know that often times people who escape there situation that caused the Stockholm Syndrome to begin with, if they do not return to there situation they will often find themselves in a similar situation and it is not uncommon for that person to find someone/something worse then what they had before. With that in mind, why bother to even try to escape him. I sure as hell never want to be with another person like him or God forbid, worse then him.

I'm jsut lost at the moment.

I escaped after 31 years of abuse. I know it is daunting, but it can be done;perhaps speak t the national abuse hotline, see a therapist; you can begin to put a plan together. Why bother to try and escape him? Because you don't deserve abuse, and there is no reason to be abused. The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans saved my life. All of life is a choice and you CAN escape this....with some help.

This syndrome does not allow choice. It's like metal drawn to a magnet. What is needed, in my experience is HELP. Intensive therapy. Any kind of help from family or friends. You need to learn how to survive without him ! On your own if necessary. Your also projecting that you'll just wind up with the same or worse.
That is just one of the excuses the syndrome uses to keep you chained. You can free yourself. Try starting to believe that !
Start freeing yourself now !

Thank you all for your kind and heart felt responces. I don't know what else to say except I am sorry for pain and first hand knowledge on this subject and thank you for sharing a piece of your life and heart with me.

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...-relationship/

(((soft hug))) my friend.

I completely understand and relate to everything you shared that you are feeling.

I'm going to go to my computer and find the article on Learned Helplessness that validated me.

I truly feel it will validate you.

It gave me courage and I hope it does you.

Friend.

You desperately need to think more of dear self;to that end
here is couple of books by brilliant psychologist Nathaniel
Branden. "Honoring The Self",and "The Six Pillars Of Self-
Esteem". You'll get them in Alibris on line,maybe second hand to allow you to get the 2. This is an INVESTMENT in
yourself,so please do get them.
Deepest Respect,
BLUEDOVE.

This is something you learned to accept and what has happened gradually is you got so used to accepting this kind of life you don't know "how" to live your life any other way. Human beings are creatures of habit and tend to prefer whatever becomes "familiar" because even though it may be dysfunctional, it becomes what they know and can follow along with and it's predictable. You are so used to living with someone who doesn't appreciate you OR respect you the way you deserve that it's the only way you know how to think of yourself. You have talked about "feeling" like you deserve being invaded, disrespected, and hurt like this, that's what you have come to learn/know. You have not had a chance to LEARN how to live your life differently, and you most likely feel frightened of that after all, human beings HATE change. Human being prefer to live predictable lives because it doesn't require as much thought, it's more automatic. A big part of you doesn't believe you can actually live differently. You also never learned how to "value" yourself, instead you live for others where you can "hide". So basically, what you "know" the most is "hiding" and this began long before this relationship.

If you are sick of this, that's a good sign because YOU have to finally admit you hate this enough to finally take the steps to do something about it.

I understand how you feel and want you to know you are not alone. I was abused by my dad growing up, well into adulthood. I tried to distance myself from him many times but I'd ultimately let him back in. The rationale was:

1. I have PTSD from the abuse. I feel anxious and on alert all the time.
2. He taught me that the world is just a dangerous place and nobody can protect me...except for him. I feel unsafe just about 100% of the time.
3. When things get tough, just give up, grovel to him and he'll take care of everything. Even swoop in with a bag of money.
4. So I'm worthless, helpless, small and in need of being totally controlled by someone with more power/money.
5. I'm lucky to have him.

I know this is all bunk, but some days when I feel really scared, really unsafe -- like the last time a tornado siren went off in my town -- I just want him. My poor silly brain thinks my abuser is the only thing that can protect me emotionally and physically, even though he repeatedly violated me emotionally and physically. I've been no-contact with him for 2 years now and I still have moments when his presence would be the only thing that soothes me.

It's hard for people who don't experience abuse to understand that. I just don't want you to think you're alone. You're strong, you're sane, you deserve peace and patience.

Starfruit - Thank you so much for that. You even made me laugh. That last line brought that insane kind of laugh. I feel so much less then sane, and I don;t feel to strong either.

You are so right, people who have never been there do not understand. I totally get you, how two years of no contact can go by and you still would find relief in the presence of person who violated you so many times. It's jsut crazy isn't it?

You sound like me. Quote by Starfruit: "My poor silly brain thinks my abuser is the only thing that can protect me emotionally and physically, even though he repeatedly violated me emotionally and physically." :End Quote by Starfruit. That is exactly how I feel and no amount of untruth, no amount of people telling me I am dead wrong, and no amount of help from my T over this has seemed to make much of an impact.

IDK what to do. Just hang on and take the good days and cherish them and take the bad days and let them keep me mental hostage.

For my own sanity I want to break this down a little. Firstly I said "I have this need to return to my abuser." I was raped along time ago. Not just a random rape but a grooming for his specific needs, and brain washing, and controlling, and fear driven tactics. Due to my insecurity and my home life I believed what he said. I was naive and helpless at the ripe young age of 15. I was raped almost every weekend for 9 months. It was rape because I begged him to stop, and told him I didn't want to, yet he pushed me until I let him have his way with me. HE pushed me to that fight, flight or freeze point and I could no longer speak or move way from him. It was like I was paralyzed. This man was 20 and I was 15. I returned to him time and time again. I was convinced by him that I was helpless to change the situation. After breaking things off with him he became my stalker. He came to my house when I was not home and left gates to pastures open so that my animals would get hit by a car, he left spin marks on my driveway so I would see them. It was bad. Eventually after the suicide threats because I would not come back to him stopped, things began to settle down.

I then met my H. Things started out good, but he then took on the same tactics as my original abuser. He used the very same words. Where do guys learn these phrases? From that point on my H became my abuser, my rapist in my mind. My H's own mental issues crept in and started to take over our relationship. He has OCD, and Aspergers. He was very controlling, he made it so that I had to live by these "rules". Stupid rules, some of which I still live by, it is just easier. I have not worked in 20 years. I have been called every name in the book and reminded to frequently why I am these things. He questions every where I go and who I talk to, when will I be back, why will it take so long. I ask to go to the mail box, I ask if I can go a mile away to the convenience store. I ask if I can go to the library.

I left a year go and returned. I was so happy away from him. Yet I went back. I find security with him. Sick security i know. He scares me, he adds to my depression and anxiety, my high blood pressure, my need for psych meds. I know he adds toit because while I was away from him I got off all my meds. I took nothing. I was a picture of health. After being home with him for almost a year, I am back on all my old meds, and at the full dosages. So worse then before I left.

I drive myself crazy. I will not leave him, I seem unable to do so for some reason. I think to myself that I like the abuse. I think to myself I am stupid for not getting away from him. If someone else were to say the things I am saying I would tell them to leave but I cannot take my own advice and it is maddening. I am hurting myself by staying but I can't seem to do differently.

IDK, that is just where I am at this moment.

Big Mama,

I noticed this article and after reading it thought of you. I myself have had challenges with being married to someone who has a Jeckle and Hyde and I know what you mean about good times and bad times.

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...ce=Psych+Centr

This article touches on things that will probably click with you which is why I posted that your challenge started before you faced the abuse you faced with both your boyfriend and your husband.

The way your husband and even that boyfriend was controlling with you was due to how they look for a certain type of person they can intimidate and control. This never means that you don't have value of your own or that you are not worthy of being treated better.

Actually, sometimes we are taught to give in long before we have the ability to understand we are learning to do just that. Often growing up we learn that our father is the one who punishes, even spanks and children were told, "wait until your father gets home and hears what you did bad".

It's also important to understand/learn that a boyfriend or spouse may have been raised where he experienced being treated, and witnessed his mother being treated the way they are treating you and even the children. You may have experienced this dynamic very early on and that became what you considered "normal" relationship behavior.

Without even realizing it you were being raised to be submissive and to live with an understanding that is similar to what you experience in your relationship dynamic. This is what your children are learning too because it isn't just YOU that is trapped in this cycle you have been experiencing.

You have admitted that you have not "learned" how to work and be self supportive. Did your mother work and learn how to be independent or did she depend on your father for that? Dependency is something learned and it can be very hard to learn how to step away from. Not just in a financial way, but also in a deep subconscious "learned" way. This is something women in general have struggled with throughout history. You went from one controlling male to another because on a very deep level that's what you learned.

What I have noticed in my own relationship, even though I tried to not end up with a controlling man like my father is I ended up marrying a man that has a lot of the same behaviors as my father and one of these is bring his own anger and problems home with him and "I" ended up having to experience all the anger issues my husband needed to vent. What I unknowingly learned from such an early age is to accept certain kinds of emotional abuse as well as having a controlling presence around me in my life.

You got brave and walked away from the dysfunction you lived with when it came to your husband. But he kept telling you he loved you, missed you and would change so you went back, yet, he did not change and instead slipped right back into practicing the old behaviors that you are finding yourself once again dealing with "now".

To stand up for yourself and stick with your demand that he change, it's a lot of work in that you have to change how you grew to accept these bad behaviors and allowed him to intimidate you. That can be a lot of work, and if you deal with the kind of Hyde that comes out that I deal with, they DON'T listen and tend to turn everything around which can make it a lot harder and it does get tiring. It's a tired and stress that most certainly runs deep and it's very hard to explain to others what it's like. Personally, I get triggered and sometimes I don't have the energy to fight back and deal with it due to the ptsd I struggle with. My peace happens when my husband isn't around tbh.

Number 3 bothers me alot.

My Quote:
3. My ability to take all the crap and agree that I deserve it

I don;t know if I feel that way, I don't know if he MAKES me feel that way. Did I really do something wrong. Is it true when he tells me I am wrong. Did I really screw up. I jsut don;t know what to believe.

I feel like Charlie Brown and Lucy. It never fails, she pulls that football out of the way every time. No matter how many times she says she will not, she does. She promises, she rationalizes, she is convincing, he believes her and bam, he lands flat on his back. Is it his fault for believing her, or is it her fault for moving hte ball even though if the past predicts the future he knows it will happen.

I'm jsut so tired. I try and try and I don't know what to believe. Is it me, is it him, has it been me all along. Maybe I am the one F'n this up. IDK what to believe any more.

Here is an interesting article for you to read.

How gaslighting makes you feel like you're going crazy - Business Insider

I am going to have to read that again when I am not so sleepy. It looks to be very interesting. Thank you so much for all the great links.

Big Mama, it's good that you are aware that something is wrong. It's important that you remember that you have left, that your mental state improved when you were away from your H too. Your husband does not "think" like you do, he has problems with his thought process that he takes out on you. He obsesses when something he needs to be perfect and in place somehow isn't. By your living with him you have slowly been encouraged to take on "his" stresses when something is out of place. And when you are in "his" environment all he is capable of is putting YOU in whatever place he needs you to be/fit into. What you are back to experiencing is how you have now adapted to HIS need to have things a certain way and the STRESS he struggles with when anything in his life feels out of place for him. His thought pattern is NOT NORMAL, and gets IRRATIONAL and you need to realize this FULLY to where you make that choice to LEAVE his world that is NOT HEALTHY for you.

The reason I posted that article for you to read is to understand how a person who lives with or has to deal with someone who encourages them to "follow" some kind of manipulative agenda of control, a person can begin to believe they are crazy or that whatever is not right somehow is THEIR FAULT.

You have shared how you became a victim of abuse before at the age of 15. You have felt confused and guilty about this, but what you don't realize is how this is something that can happen with human beings, even human beings that are very intelligent and well educated can fall victim of going along with some kind of unhealthy "ideological" organized agenda. Human beings are very malleable this way and there are lots of examples throughout human history that reflect this weakness and susceptibility.

When someone is exposed to being "bullied" about how they are ugly for example, they can begin to believe they are ugly and even bad to the point where they struggle to thrive, and there are lots of healthy young teens that break down mentally due to this problem, this has been a "huge" problem in our humanity.

So, for you to fall victim the way you have shared doesn't mean you are a bad person, in fact, what it does mean is you are "very human" and in that susceptible. Recognizing that you are unhappy is an important step, also Big Mama, you know you did better when you left this environment so in that because you HAVE walked away means you CAN walk away again.

I don't know why I feel the way I do. I want to like my husband, I could like him. Sometimes he is likable, other times he is not. Sometimes the not nice one goes into overdrive. I can't help but see him as the monster he once was at one time. If a tiny piece of that monster still exists then maybe, just maybe the rest of that monster is in there somewhere. He has the ability to be so cruel. It is not an Aspergers thing either. It is the blatant choice to say "I WILL DO THIS TO YOU EVERY DAY UNTIL YOU GET IT RIGHT". He purposefully broke me down. HE was mentally killing me, I told him about it, he knew it before I told him and especially after. When he said TO BAD, I will not stop" that was it. That was the turning point. That day I knew that was the last time things would be teh same. From then on out I knew I marred someone horrible.

He can be so darn likable though. He can be funny, he can be thoughtful, he can be kind, but he can also be mean and a jerk, For that reason no matter how much I want to like him I know I cannot. I know I have to protect myself. I can be cordial, I can be nice, I can be thoughtful, but I CANNOT allow myself to give him any ammunition to use against me.

I cannot seem to make myself stay away from him. The pull of his kindness and safety he CAN provide makes me feel safe. The few times I feel safe with him is so nice. But the majority of the time it is a fear of him. Afraid to ask him to reach me down something, a fear to ask him to pick up milk while he is in town, a fear of how he is going to behave if he has a bad day. He can be a relentless A-hole. He can be a tyrant, he can e so calculated with his words,m yet when he is kind and safe there is no feeling like it,. I long for that, I can see it dangling in front of me, yet I can't have it.

He is like an apple, a poisonous apple. It looks good and you know it can be good but one bite and you have death. One ounce of trust in him and he is poison to my soul. He sucks the life out if me, and the love out of me. So I keep his love, I keep that apple on a shelf nd enjoy what I do have with it. The smell, the decoration, the dream of what could be, because in reality I know that apple spells death, my emotional death.

My emotional death is so near any way. I am slowly coming apart. The poison is slowly emitted from the apple and is killing me. But a slow death is not so bad, IS IT? Death from slow emissions, toxic fumes that slowly choke you or if I choose to walk away from this man, death by poverty, starvation, and loneliness. The worst death of all is knowing you made a mistake and wrecked the lives of multiple people. My life, his life, my kids lives, his parents, my parents, my church family. So many stand to lose. Am I wrong? I don't know any more.

Have you considered professional help? I left after 31 years of abuse; the book that saved my life : The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans. NO ONE deserves abuse and abuse is a CHOICE. It doesn't matter what you do or say, or how nice yu are; he is full of rage and anger at whatever was done to him....HIS issues. He has brainwashed you, and even though you are in so much fear, you CAN leave; with support, etc.....You can call the domestic violence hotline; they can help you make a plan.

He sounds like he is a narcissist BigMama.

Big Mama, I've been living through something very similar, so I get it. What has helped me is getting into therapy. I see an individual therapist but I also go to a therapy group for DV survivors. I feel so understood and accepted in that group. I had a crisis this week and several women from the group came to my house and helped me get through it. I'm not sure I would have made it through that day without them. You need support from people who understand what you're going through. I don't know if he's physically abusive, but if he's not don't let that stop you from getting the support you need. My husband doesn't hit me (usually) and I was scared that the other women who had been physically abused would think my problems were nothing, but that was totally not the case. I hope you can find some support soon.

NP - Thank you for your input. I have not considered a group for DV . I would think that those affected by DV would minimize my abuse since my H has never hit me. He has done everything but that.

That has not been my experience at all. I minimized it all the time and still do to an extent, but I'm getting better about it. They made sure that I knew that what has happened to me is bad and a valid reason to be in a DV group. It IS abuse. It's taken me a long time to be able to say that and I don't trust that people who haven't experienced it will see it that way, but the women in my group and my therapist validate my experience all the time. The validation itself is healing.

Also, verbal/emotional abuse will probably escalate at some point to physical. In my case, it escalated to threats to kill me and to an incident where he kicked me and hit me with an object. Luckily there were no injuries, but it scared me. A few days later he set a fire in our living room floor while I was in the house. That was one week ago. If I hadn't had the women from group and my individual therapist supporting me this week, I don't know what would have happened. So, please, for your own sanity and safety find some therapy however you can.

I have a super counselor. I have been going to her for about 5 years now. She is the glue that holds me together. She helps me process this stuff. At first I thought abuse was normal. Then I struggled with what to do.(I still do) Then we got into Stockholm Syndrome and recovering from past trauma's. Now I know what the issues is. I just gotta figure out what to do about it. Stay or leave. And if I stay how can I best survive threw this. We work lots on reducing mental fatigue and undoing the horrible things he says.

My T is not pushy. The ball is in my court though. Right now I am stuck and don't know what to do. But at least now I know why I struggle. It has nothing to do with being a wimp. It has nothing to do with not wanting to leave. It is so hard to explain.

My T is there for me, she validates my feelings, and questions me about the right things that make me think. She is there when my world comes crashing down and when my world is a happy place to be. I'm so blessed to have her.

BigMama, you have been trapped in a relationship where you get love bombed one minute and then victimized the next. You continuously make excuses for his "bad" behavior because after all, there are times when he is SO NICE, SO GOOD, SO FUNNY AND CHARMING.

The signs you've been a victim of 'love bombing' - Business Insider

Thank you. That is exactly what is happening. It is that crazy mix of nice and not so nice that make things so maddening.