[porcelainboy]

TW for sexual abuse.

My dad sexually abused me for years as a kid. He stopped the actual sex part when I was 10 likely because he didn’t want to get me pregnant (I’m trans), and then the molestation and oral sex when I was about 12, and neither of us have mentioned it since. Of course he wouldn’t, he’s an abuser and abusers don’t acknowledge their abuse unless they’re getting a plea deal or something. But the thing is, even though I still remember it, we’ve built a “healthy,” as normal as possible father and son relationship. However, there are some very big problems present that only I seem to be aware of.

When I’m not around him, I absolutely hate him. I want nothing more than to get away from him, I want nothing to do with him, while at the same time wanting to tear him to shreds and show him exactly what he’s done to me.

But the instant he comes into the room, even though I’m still wary of him especially when he gets too touchy-feely, I completely forget those feelings and I feel shame for having them. I doubt myself and my own experience of childhood and I say stuff to myself like: “Oh, it could’ve been worse so it doesn’t really matter. Suck it up.”
If he wants a hug, even though it makes me feel dirty I’ll let him hug me. If he wants to play with my fingers while we’re talking, even though it makes me feel sick I let him. If he wants to touch my back or my neck or kiss my forehead, I’ll let him no matter how disgusting it makes me feel. Anything he wants to do, he can do because I’m afraid of upsetting him.

I know a lot of this probably stems from fear of the worst happening or something like what happened to me as a child happening again though it’s not really helping my cause, but I feel so confused and conflicted all the time. Mixed with the fear is a sense of longing for a normal family life, and the longing is so strong that I feel like I try to act it out sometimes. I try to convince myself that nothing happened whenever we’re together, even when he’s touching me and I want to rip my skin off. I suppose he still holds a lot of power over me, and I just don’t know what to do anymore.

I want to leave. That’s all I can say. I want to get out of this house and find a place where I actually feel safe. He hasn’t touched me inappropriately in about a year but I still feel the fear like it was just yesterday that he was doing it to me. I still feel like a little girl around him, and I just want to feel like I have autonomy for once in my life.

I’m just very conflicted in how to feel about him. That’s all.

[reb569]

It's horrible when the ones who should be your protectors, your guides to life, fail you and abuse you, especially repeatedly.

Can I ask if you are 18 or over?

[porcelainboy]

Originally Posted by reb569

It's horrible when the ones who should be your protectors, your guides to life, fail you and abuse you, especially repeatedly.

Can I ask if you are 18 or over?

I'm 18, turning 19 in a couple of days.

[reb569]

Since you are over 18, I would try to find a way to get out on your own, or live with friends. Are you in any type of therapy?

[porcelainboy]

Originally Posted by reb569

Since you are over 18, I would try to find a way to get out on your own, or live with friends. Are you in any type of therapy?

I have no income because my Tourette's keeps me from being able to work, but I'm currently applying for disability. I've asked my friends that I could manage to get to if they'd let me stay with them to get out of a bad situation, they refused me (they all live with their parents too). Plus I'm on a lot of medication that I'm dependent on to be able to function as well as I can and if I run away, I lose access to that.
I've been in therapy for 7 years, and with my current therapist for 6 and a half. He is aware of the situation, but he wasn't aware until last year. I still find it difficult to truly open up about how much it affects me though. He thinks everything is fine now. I'm planning on telling him when I see him next because it's getting to be unbearable but I don't know what to do once I do. Surely he'll help me but if it involves contacting the police or getting me out of the house in the dependent state that I'm in now, I can't do that.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by porcelainboy

I have no income because my Tourette's keeps me from being able to work, but I'm currently applying for disability. I've asked my friends that I could manage to get to if they'd let me stay with them to get out of a bad situation, they refused me (they all live with their parents too). Plus I'm on a lot of medication that I'm dependent on to be able to function as well as I can and if I run away, I lose access to that.
I've been in therapy for 7 years, and with my current therapist for 6 and a half. He is aware of the situation, but he wasn't aware until last year. I still find it difficult to truly open up about how much it affects me though. He thinks everything is fine now. I'm planning on telling him when I see him next because it's getting to be unbearable but I don't know what to do once I do. Surely he'll help me but if it involves contacting the police or getting me out of the house in the dependent state that I'm in now, I can't do that.

Absolutely tell your therapist. He might be able to help you find a way to become more independent. I don't suggest running away at all.

[porcelainboy]

Originally Posted by reb569

Absolutely tell your therapist. He might be able to help you find a way to become more independent. I don't suggest running away at all.

I will! I hope he can help.
I'm sorry if it came across like I was accusing you of suggesting that, that was really my own train of thought.

[nicoleflynn]

Try to not let him touch you, that is further abusing yourself. Talk to yur therapist about getting some boundaries; no one has the right to touch you against your will. You might want to write a letter of restorative justice...restorative justice says...this is what yu did, this is how it made me feel. I think it can be empowering ; the letter is for YOU and how You feel.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by porcelainboy

I will! I hope he can help.
I'm sorry if it came across like I was accusing you of suggesting that, that was really my own train of thought.

I didnt take it as an accusation at all.

[reb569]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Try to not let him touch you, that is further abusing yourself. Talk to yur therapist about getting some boundaries; no one has the right to touch you against your will. You might want to write a letter of restorative justice...restorative justice says...this is what yu did, this is how it made me feel. I think it can be empowering ; the letter is for YOU and how You feel.

Excellent advice.

[porcelainboy]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

Try to not let him touch you, that is further abusing yourself. Talk to yur therapist about getting some boundaries; no one has the right to touch you against your will. You might want to write a letter of restorative justice...restorative justice says...this is what yu did, this is how it made me feel. I think it can be empowering ; the letter is for YOU and how You feel.

I'll endure this next week and a half until I can see my therapist. I'll try to avoid letting him touch me as much as possible.
I looked up letters of restorative justice, and I can't find anything about how to write them because all of them are from the offenders to the victims. What is the aim of this letter? Do I have to give it to him, or is it one of those things I get rid of once I'm done?