[minefield]

Hello,

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, currently in therapy with a clinical psychologist. Therapy is going very well in that I am not dissociating so much and can now talk through events. First therapist I have ever been able to do this with.

I have however been set a challenge: To confront the anger I hold towards my attackers and what they did to me. The level of my hatred and anger has made me terrified of myself and my thoughts. I admitted to having dark, disturbed revenge fantasies directed at those who hurt me. The result of this is that my therapist has asked me to share these with her because she believes it to be an important part of healing... TERRIFYING.

I am hoping I’m not alone in having such thoughts, I am therefore turning to you ladies to ask a very difficult question. Are you able to share your revenge fantasies? Very difficult I know or Mb share that you have them? Anything really that might offer me reassurance that I’m not alone or a freak in this.

Thank you for reading my message.

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by minefield

Hello,

I am a survivor of child sexual abuse, currently in therapy with a clinical psychologist. Therapy is going very well in that I am not dissociating so much and can now talk through events. First therapist I have ever been able to do this with.

I have however been set a challenge: To confront the anger I hold towards my attackers and what they did to me. The level of my hatred and anger has made me terrified of myself and my thoughts. I admitted to having dark, disturbed revenge fantasies directed at those who hurt me. The result of this is that my therapist has asked me to share these with her because she believes it to be an important part of healing... TERRIFYING.

I am hoping I’m not alone in having such thoughts, I am therefore turning to you ladies to ask a very difficult question. Are you able to share your revenge fantasies? Very difficult I know or Mb share that you have them? Anything really that might offer me reassurance that I’m not alone or a freak in this.

Thank you for reading my message.

Ladies only? I was also molested, by several neighborhood kids. I'm still at the fear part, but at times I wish I'd killed all of them back then. I find the idea of perpetrating violence offensive, and it is, but sometimes I feel like I wish I could empower the Then Me to at least protect himself. He crumpled and crumbled and let it happen, over and over and I'm mad at myself more than them. If my t asks, when I tell him for the first time tomorrow, the first time I will ever tell someone about this happening face to face, then I might share some of that. I'm almost middle aged and I've never faced any of it before.

[minefield]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Ladies only? I was also molested, by several neighborhood kids. I'm still at the fear part, but at times I wish I'd killed all of them back then. I find the idea of perpetrating violence offensive, and it is, but sometimes I feel like I wish I could empower the Then Me to at least protect himself. He crumpled and crumbled and let it happen, over and over and I'm mad at myself more than them. If my t asks, when I tell him for the first time tomorrow, the first time I will ever tell someone about this happening face to face, then I might share some of that. I'm almost middle aged and I've never faced any of it before.

Sorry no directed to all thank you for your reply.. I was in a similar boat with a gang of children over an extended period time. I tried to fight but quickly learnt that to freeze was the better outcome. I have wished many a painful slow death on them all, but then they don’t get to live with pain like we do. I can never decide on one coz it never seems enough to equal the pain we all have to live with for the rest of our lives. I’m a nurse by vocation and hate violence thus the complex feelings of guilt, shame and disgust in myself for having strong revenge fantasies is a real battle. To know of others with the same conflict will be a huge support to me I think. Good luck with your therapist I hope you find one you can open up to freely. Xx

[SorryShaped]

Originally Posted by minefield

. Good luck with your therapist I hope you find one you can open up to freely. Xx

I do think I can tell him tomorrow.
I find that videogames help with the want for violence, as does what I can do of a kickboxing workout class I sometimes take. But, I also practice yoga and find it helps moreso. Meditation is helpful too. I can transcend sometimes and that's the best of all things I've ever done. Nothing else feels like that or that good.

[minefield]

I’m just writing a list of my ways to exact revenge.. verge on the rediculous most of them but still I’m not satisfisfied... I think I’m quickly learning is what I want is for them to suffer for the rest of their lives. Again emphasise this is an imaginary exercise... I need a better imagination. I’ve got tattoo rapist on forehead, castrate, make them rape each other, name and shame live on tv with nearest and dearest there to see, burn them so perminantly scarred, chop off their arms and legs. I feel guilty coz it is an outlet pretending such things happening. Man I’m so messed up, how this is a healthy part of healing I have no idea.

[nicoleflynn]

I think it is normal/healthy to have revenge fantasies.......talking about them is essential......You might want to write a letter of restorative justice.....restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel; the letter is for YOU.

[minefield]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I think it is normal/healthy to have revenge fantasies.......talking about them is essential......You might want to write a letter of restorative justice.....restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel; the letter is for YOU.

Thank you for the message, you have given me something to think on.. im a bit confused about the notion if restorative justice though? Is it like if I made you suffer like the ways you made me suffer then we are equal? How does that work in rape? I’m what ways can justice restore... sorry not come across that term before.

I get very confused between what is healing and what is disturbed. I worry that my thoughts run too dark... when is dreaming of harming another ok.... when it’s targeting your rapists? I feel all sorts of shame, disgust and guilt. I was really hoping for some examples from others to see how this part of healing works for them and how they learnt to cope with the dark thoughts. I knew it might be difficult to share the fantasy... I’m terrified of sharing mine with my therapist on Friday.

All and any advise, experiences welcome.. I’m really stuck on this I issue.

[Open Eyes]

A lot of the time when another child, even an older child does this to a child it's because this was something done to them. It's important to be extra careful when it comes to finally dealing with these childhood traumatic experiences because children do NOT have the same understanding about what sex really is and they often act out not realizing how bad this behavior really is. If you are looking at this with your adult mind you must be careful to not put the horror of what an adult mind understands into this experience because this is not the same way children see things. I know that can be a huge challenge.

I was overpowered and dragged into a shed by two older boys when I was only about 3 years old. One of the boys that did this had been molested by his babysitter who told him it was ok to practice this kind of behavior.

My clothes were stripped off of me and I was absolutely "terrified" and I don't even remember how I managed to get away from that shed and those two boys.

I saw children behave in the cruelest way as a child and I witnessed my older brother suffer every single day while he was bullied and constantly picked on relentlessly EVERY SINGLE day and I wanted so badly to be able to do something to stop it, but I was way too little to know how and I had to witness this everyday and it was horrible. Children can be "savages" and have no concept as to how much damage they are really causing.

[BLUEDOVE]

Originally Posted by SorryShaped

Ladies only? I was also molested, by several neighborhood kids. I'm still at the fear part, but at times I wish I'd killed all of them back then. I find the idea of perpetrating violence offensive, and it is, but sometimes I feel like I wish I could empower the Then Me to at least protect himself. He crumpled and crumbled and let it happen, over and over and I'm mad at myself more than them. If my t asks, when I tell him for the first time tomorrow, the first time I will ever tell someone about this happening face to face, then I might share some of that. I'm almost middle aged and I've never faced any of it before.

Hi Sorry,know what you mean,God Bless,and courage to you. BLUEDOVE.

Yes, I think anger is a reasonable response to what was done to us especially since we were too young to understand what was going on. The adults did, & they did it anyway. That's not something that can be whitewashed or excused. They knew it was wrong & didn't give it or it's consequences a second thought. My fear has always been that if the anger comes out, it will injure everyone around us perhaps including us. My T says he can handle it. I'm sure he THINKs he can. We're not sure!!

[Open Eyes]

I think it's important to be careful about fantasizing about enacting revenge. I personally feel that it's better to use one's experiences in an effort to create "awareness" and how to teach our youth better ways of "self protecting". A child should not have to endure being overpowered where they are afraid to tell and end up being repeatedly abused.

If one is encouraged to focus on the anger in a way that encourages one to fantasize about ways they could "punish and harm", that is encouraging one to develop negative ways to take the anger they feel that is something we all feel that produces adrenaline to "act/fight". Reacting to a negative with a negative uses anger to be destructive instead of constructive.

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by nicoleflynn

I think it is normal/healthy to have revenge fantasies.......talking about them is essential......You might want to write a letter of restorative justice.....restorative justice says...this is what you did, this is how it made me feel; the letter is for YOU.

I did wright a letter for my self, mostly asking questions. I can't say that I had revenge thoughts, unless I blocked them, but I did get out a lot of my anger, and hurt, but I wrote this letter just a few years ago, before my parents passed away. I never sent it, it was just for me at the time, but I did post it on this forum.