[lostneedlove]

Please be nice to me. Please. I cannot take any more being blamed got someone else's demons. I will try to be brief.

Met my husband at work mid 2015. We got together after friendship in October 2015. We click. In most every way. We are in love. He pursued me and wanted to be with me. I moved in with him in March 2016. Life was good. I could see from time to time he got irritated with some things, like if he cannot find something or it doesn't work. I should mention he is or was a combat marine that did a tour of Iraq in 2003. He was a machine gunner, right there on the front lines. The thing is I am very feisty too. Have had issues before like when my mother died among others close to me. Hardly any left.

But I have been in therapy for years, committed to change and am light years better than I was. My first husband would have loved who I am today. I left him by the way. I wasn't in love and as I grew older and matured, I realized that. I also went through a few jerks, including a violent NUT in 2010-11. All this made me determined to be the best I could be for the "one" when he came along. I have volunteered in Africa, I am Australian and like who I am.

Now enter P we will call him. I was eager to marry soon as we want a family. His one son of 16 lives with us. The first year together, I was the one that had a few moments where I was out of line and yelled, had a tantrum etc. Not scary like when he does it but still not ok. He told me regarding marriage, he was concerned about that and how we interact. So, I dedicated myself even harder to therapy, calmed down even more and 7 months later we married in May 2017. Now, he has had some incidents that are NOT OKAY and will NOT alter his behavior. I beg him to not take things so seriously and not ruin the day, he gets this look that gives me chills. He says, "YOU PICK PICK PICK AT ME". We have gone to premarital counseling and again now we are married. One incident was about 6 weeks back. We had a disagreement.
I wasn’t going nuts in his face, name calling etc. It was an somewhat heated argument. He came around from behind the island in the kitchen, got really close and started screaming in my face. I walked into the next room and grabbed a chair to put between us. He screamed at me, “Quit playing the victim!” 5’11, 230 pounds of him, raging at me. He did this earlier at the park too because I wouldn’t get up to help him find the cheese. Yes, that seems reasonable. OMG. Having gone through this with the ex, I know things can escalate. I honestly cannot get him to grasp how anger is a CHOICE. It is up to him how he reacts. I get blamed. I am getting sick of it. Fast. I have been and gone through this with the ex jerk and lack the patience for terrifying tantrums. I beg you all hear me. I have reflected hard and done soul searching. While I am not a passive cupcake, this in my heart feels very wrong. I try to give him respect. The latest- Last night we were on our old sailboat we just got. The motor has some issues which have showed themselves a few times and it is frustrating. Every time, I hear about it, complete with the fuming and cursing. Yes I get it. We paid to have it fixed and it is still broken.
I am not allowed to address this behavior or I "frustrate him". See guys, I am dealing with my OWN **** as it is and trying to deal. I have tried it his way, anger etc and it DOES NOT WORK OR HELP MATTERS! My mother's death made me someone I never want to be again. I try to focus on SOLUTIONS now. He is not there yet. Thing is, at work selling cars, the level of patience he has I cannot even compete with. If there is a car deal and money at stake, he is a different person. Well, I have tried to tell him, this is his marriage at stake, I want to same patience and respect his clients get. What if we both fumed and huffed at everything? This marriage would never have been!!! He will not budge or attempt to stay calm. Not for a moment.

So, the boat last night. We head off and the motor dies. Close by a boat, a man yells can he throw a rope and help us? We are very close to our slip where we park. My husband said no, told me he will jump in the water and swim the boat in to park it. I said NO it's not safe. For those of you who don't know, you’re not supposed to swim in marinas because of the chance of ESD (Electric Shock Drowning). There are SIGNS saying NO SWIMMING. Not many people know this but people die quite often as electricity can leak from faulty wiring. Look it up, it is real and scary. He knows this and we agreed no swimming there for safe reasons. So I tell the guy, please throw a rope. In my mind I am simply thinking “ I don’t want him swimming and he knows this, it is not safe”. He gives this look, the guy rescues us but boy is P pissed. Just silent and I can feel the bad vibes oozing. I try to explain that not only is it for safety not to swim, but I also wanted the boat to mingle and meet people and learn off of them. I said, very calmly and choosing my words carefully so as not to upset him, “Look, they helped and we met some nice people who referred us to a mechanic”. We wouldn’t have had this chance if we turned their help down. The fact is we are novices and don’t know what we are doing.

This is the point of the boat. It is a community”. We have plans to sail across to my country in a bigger boat in 2 years and need the help and practice we can get! We both work in sales so he says, “don’t try to close me”. He won’t see my point, he is cold and shut down. I start crying, “We are not salespeople now. We are married and I am trying to communicate!”. He was so angry that I chose to get help. He took it as this huge disrespect to him because I insisted on getting help. He said we should have had a conversation about it. “You ignored me and did your own thing!!“ he said. I told him, it is not safe to swim.

To me I was keeping us safe and had good motives. He is insecure I believe. Most rageaholics are. I said, “this isn’t a dictatorship, it’s a partnership”. I told him it’s not a safe place to get in water. He shrugs it off. “Everyone does it”, he says flippantly. I can’t believe it. All my talks about staying safe, completely ignored, disregarded. If he made a judgment call on something and told me a good reason for it, I would not act like this if roles reversed. Example- “Baby, I was keeping us safe. You can’t swim here. You know this”. I would be cool and trust him.

Start BBQ. I cannot get him to talk. Can’t see what he is thinking even though I ask. Won’t snap out of it. I say, “I feel very scared and upset that this sort of thing has to go on. Anger to me is selfish and cruel, I fell you have no regard for those around you when you do this”. His face distorts as UGLY and full of rage as possible and he leans over aggressively to get in my face. “You’re always picking at me!” he growls. I says, “Get out of my face”. I pack my things, get off boat. I said “You’re going to end up alone, P”, very calmly as I walk off. “I will meet you at front, I would like to go home please”.

Yes, he is usually great and funny and nice, aren’t they always? Blah blah blah. I don’t care. I want some effort made to be calmer, some acceptance that this is OVER REACTING. I am not perfect but this do not deserve this behavior. I get blamed for his rage. He has no idea how bad I can be if I want to. Ha! What sucks is I was counting on this child. I am 40. I haven’t had one yet as I keep getting jerks. Time nearly out, I have no family almost and this feels like a huge setback and now I wonder if I will ever get my chance. No lectures. I get it. I am always the one to try and fix things. He doesn’t even come to me and say sorry. Just excuses. “Oh I didn’t get a chance to, you wouldn’t let me”. Not this time. I will keep my distance until he is willing to discuss. He will get therapy. He will change. Or, I won’t be here. I am here online because I need to know I am not crazy.

[*Laurie*]

My husband is a combat veteran, too. You and your husband are eligible for Veteran's Administration services. Since you're in Denver, there must be VA counseling, VA psychiatry, and VA support groups available. I strongly encourage you to look into the VA system for help with your marriage.

[lostneedlove]

Thank you. I am actually in Las Vegas, just changed it. Old profile. I will look into that. Thank you.

[lostneedlove]

so here is an update on my nutcase. Turns out, he didn't even go to Iraq. He lied to me to impress me, I guess. Created a marriage on a lie about who he is. AWesome. Anger still here. Life is ******, he blamed me for all of it.

[CelestialFlame]

Originally Posted by lostneedlove

so here is an update on my nutcase. Turns out, he didn't even go to Iraq. He lied to me to impress me, I guess. Created a marriage on a lie about who he is. AWesome. Anger still here. Life is ******, he blamed me for all of it.

He doesn’t seem like a very good husband. How long have you known him and how long have you been married?

I served in the Army and receive therapy at the VA.
Please do not get on a boat with him. He is a danger to you and to himself. Do you think he might go as far as to throw you off?
As far a lying to you about his time in service? In my eyes he is despicable.

[DechanDawa]

A veteran who lies about his combat experience is the lowest of the the lows. IMHO. Did he see active duty at all? If not...then his anger issues are...maybe due to a personality disorder? Sounds like a very dangerous character. Maybe a malignant narcissist? Going forward with him seems like it will produce nothing but heartache. You still have time to meet someone nice and create a family.

[FallDuskTrain]

So many red flags. Please do leave as soon as possible, before it is too late.

[MrMoose]

What FallDuskTrain said: a lot of red flags.
That early behavior of creating a wonderful romantic passionate partnership can be the hallmark of a narcissistic personality.

Yes, RED FLAGS. He is a rageaholic who refuses to take responsibility for his poor behavior, blames you and refuses to change. This is abuse.

Putting the chair in between you two was your way of protecting your personal and physical safety. Do u feel scared of him when he rages at you? LOVE SHOULD NEVER INVOLVE FEAR.

Honestly. I would LEAVE him ASAP.

He also lied about being in combat. So what else may he have lied about? He is not only a rageaholic but a total liar. Not redeeming qualities.

You can do FAR better. Save yourself, your mental health and your sanity. You shouldn't be doing all the work here either or walking on egg shells so as not to upset him. That's also a sign of an abusive relationship.

((((((Hugs)))))

[TishaBuv]

He reminds me of my ex BIL. He lied about his duty and injury in the military, and my sister never learned what was really true regarding that. He was a huge, muscular guy with a rage disorder who screamed at every little thing. They were married for 30 years and had two kids together. Thank God he never hit them because he would have killed them. My sister didn’t divorce him because she was afraid of not being there to protect the kids he was extremely abusive to, and my sister took the worst of the abuse. Eventually he filed for divorce, and my sister learned he was cheating anyway.

[phoenix7]

my brother in law was the same - please take care and find a safe place to go to

[katydid777]

Originally Posted by lostneedlove

Please be nice to me. Please. I cannot take any more being blamed got someone else's demons. I will try to be brief.

Met my husband at work mid 2015. We got together after friendship in October 2015. We click. In most every way. We are in love. He pursued me and wanted to be with me. I moved in with him in March 2016. Life was good. I could see from time to time he got irritated with some things, like if he cannot find something or it doesn't work. I should mention he is or was a combat marine that did a tour of Iraq in 2003. He was a machine gunner, right there on the front lines. The thing is I am very feisty too. Have had issues before like when my mother died among others close to me. Hardly any left.

But I have been in therapy for years, committed to change and am light years better than I was. My first husband would have loved who I am today. I left him by the way. I wasn't in love and as I grew older and matured, I realized that. I also went through a few jerks, including a violent NUT in 2010-11. All this made me determined to be the best I could be for the "one" when he came along. I have volunteered in Africa, I am Australian and like who I am.

Now enter P we will call him. I was eager to marry soon as we want a family. His one son of 16 lives with us. The first year together, I was the one that had a few moments where I was out of line and yelled, had a tantrum etc. Not scary like when he does it but still not ok. He told me regarding marriage, he was concerned about that and how we interact. So, I dedicated myself even harder to therapy, calmed down even more and 7 months later we married in May 2017. Now, he has had some incidents that are NOT OKAY and will NOT alter his behavior. I beg him to not take things so seriously and not ruin the day, he gets this look that gives me chills. He says, "YOU PICK PICK PICK AT ME". We have gone to premarital counseling and again now we are married. One incident was about 6 weeks back. We had a disagreement.
I wasn’t going nuts in his face, name calling etc. It was an somewhat heated argument. He came around from behind the island in the kitchen, got really close and started screaming in my face. I walked into the next room and grabbed a chair to put between us. He screamed at me, “Quit playing the victim!” 5’11, 230 pounds of him, raging at me. He did this earlier at the park too because I wouldn’t get up to help him find the cheese. Yes, that seems reasonable. OMG. Having gone through this with the ex, I know things can escalate. I honestly cannot get him to grasp how anger is a CHOICE. It is up to him how he reacts. I get blamed. I am getting sick of it. Fast. I have been and gone through this with the ex jerk and lack the patience for terrifying tantrums. I beg you all hear me. I have reflected hard and done soul searching. While I am not a passive cupcake, this in my heart feels very wrong. I try to give him respect. The latest- Last night we were on our old sailboat we just got. The motor has some issues which have showed themselves a few times and it is frustrating. Every time, I hear about it, complete with the fuming and cursing. Yes I get it. We paid to have it fixed and it is still broken.
I am not allowed to address this behavior or I "frustrate him". See guys, I am dealing with my OWN **** as it is and trying to deal. I have tried it his way, anger etc and it DOES NOT WORK OR HELP MATTERS! My mother's death made me someone I never want to be again. I try to focus on SOLUTIONS now. He is not there yet. Thing is, at work selling cars, the level of patience he has I cannot even compete with. If there is a car deal and money at stake, he is a different person. Well, I have tried to tell him, this is his marriage at stake, I want to same patience and respect his clients get. What if we both fumed and huffed at everything? This marriage would never have been!!! He will not budge or attempt to stay calm. Not for a moment.

So, the boat last night. We head off and the motor dies. Close by a boat, a man yells can he throw a rope and help us? We are very close to our slip where we park. My husband said no, told me he will jump in the water and swim the boat in to park it. I said NO it's not safe. For those of you who don't know, you’re not supposed to swim in marinas because of the chance of ESD (Electric Shock Drowning). There are SIGNS saying NO SWIMMING. Not many people know this but people die quite often as electricity can leak from faulty wiring. Look it up, it is real and scary. He knows this and we agreed no swimming there for safe reasons. So I tell the guy, please throw a rope. In my mind I am simply thinking “ I don’t want him swimming and he knows this, it is not safe”. He gives this look, the guy rescues us but boy is P pissed. Just silent and I can feel the bad vibes oozing. I try to explain that not only is it for safety not to swim, but I also wanted the boat to mingle and meet people and learn off of them. I said, very calmly and choosing my words carefully so as not to upset him, “Look, they helped and we met some nice people who referred us to a mechanic”. We wouldn’t have had this chance if we turned their help down. The fact is we are novices and don’t know what we are doing.

This is the point of the boat. It is a community”. We have plans to sail across to my country in a bigger boat in 2 years and need the help and practice we can get! We both work in sales so he says, “don’t try to close me”. He won’t see my point, he is cold and shut down. I start crying, “We are not salespeople now. We are married and I am trying to communicate!”. He was so angry that I chose to get help. He took it as this huge disrespect to him because I insisted on getting help. He said we should have had a conversation about it. “You ignored me and did your own thing!!“ he said. I told him, it is not safe to swim.

To me I was keeping us safe and had good motives. He is insecure I believe. Most rageaholics are. I said, “this isn’t a dictatorship, it’s a partnership”. I told him it’s not a safe place to get in water. He shrugs it off. “Everyone does it”, he says flippantly. I can’t believe it. All my talks about staying safe, completely ignored, disregarded. If he made a judgment call on something and told me a good reason for it, I would not act like this if roles reversed. Example- “Baby, I was keeping us safe. You can’t swim here. You know this”. I would be cool and trust him.

Start BBQ. I cannot get him to talk. Can’t see what he is thinking even though I ask. Won’t snap out of it. I say, “I feel very scared and upset that this sort of thing has to go on. Anger to me is selfish and cruel, I fell you have no regard for those around you when you do this”. His face distorts as UGLY and full of rage as possible and he leans over aggressively to get in my face. “You’re always picking at me!” he growls. I says, “Get out of my face”. I pack my things, get off boat. I said “You’re going to end up alone, P”, very calmly as I walk off. “I will meet you at front, I would like to go home please”.

Yes, he is usually great and funny and nice, aren’t they always? Blah blah blah. I don’t care. I want some effort made to be calmer, some acceptance that this is OVER REACTING. I am not perfect but this do not deserve this behavior. I get blamed for his rage. He has no idea how bad I can be if I want to. Ha! What sucks is I was counting on this child. I am 40. I haven’t had one yet as I keep getting jerks. Time nearly out, I have no family almost and this feels like a huge setback and now I wonder if I will ever get my chance. No lectures. I get it. I am always the one to try and fix things. He doesn’t even come to me and say sorry. Just excuses. “Oh I didn’t get a chance to, you wouldn’t let me”. Not this time. I will keep my distance until he is willing to discuss. He will get therapy. He will change. Or, I won’t be here. I am here online because I need to know I am not crazy.

P as you call him has so many red flags, Please be careful, also you might do a check on him. My H has anger issues, but I know everything about him, his family, and his friends. Your P sounds like he could be dangerous. Please if you plan on staying have him checked out, for your own safety.

[Unrigged64072835]

If he was in the American military he should have a DD Form 214 from when he separated. If he doesn't have one then he could be lying about the whole thing.

Regardless, you're in a dangerous situation and you need to get help for yourself.

Originally Posted by Fharraige

If he was in the American military he should have a DD Form 214 from when he separated. If he doesn't have one then he could be lying about the whole thing.

Regardless, you're in a dangerous situation and you need to get help for yourself.

I looked into this and believe it or not, it is not against the law to lie about serving in the military (1st amendment rights). Now if they guy claims to have been awarded any medals that he in fact did not 'earn' then he could be in some very hot water. This being said, WHO lies about serving in the military?

[Erti]

I grandfather lied about serving in the military. He couldn't make it past basic training. The old geezer talked about serving in south east Asia.