[Zedsdead]

I'm so tired of fighting to gain control. I don't even know why I'm waiting to get this over and done with, or what I'm waiting for. I just know I can't take it any longer.
I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the massive amount of stress that it will come with, the sharing of the children, not knowing what is happening with my children when he has them if/when I leave...
I'm trying to keep my eye on the prize. A life without being abused, being blamed, being humiliated, being heartbroken. The in between phase absolutely terrifies me.

We both have a hard time handling stress and you have a lot of stress. When we are in the middle of a stressful time in our life, we can become anxious about things we have no control over.

"I'm afraid that I won't be able to handle the massive amount of stress that it will come with, the sharing of the children, not knowing what is happening with my children when he has them if/when I leave..." So are you saying you still want to leave your husband? What steps have you taken? Has he made any improvements? (Has he found a job? Is he being a better dad?) You are very emotional about your relationship with him--Try to evaluate him based on what he has done verses how you feel about him. You have been wanting to leave him for a while but haven't. You say the reasons for it are mostly financial but because this has been going on so long I am beginning to wonder how much of your battle is really internal. It may be both an internal battle (when you are anxious you need to take action in order to feel in control) and a problem with your H not being a good enough provider and father. Does he want to be a better provider and father or is he a 100% user? If it is the latter then by waiting to leave, you are prolonging the stress. For me, anticipation of a stressful event is worse than actually enduring the event.....Decisions are h*** sometimes. No decision is perfect.

If you do not have someone to talk to about this IRL (a therapist?), please keep talking about it here. Don't isolate--it can make you imagine the worst things. Zedsdead, you are being the best mother you can. It is a hard job and no mother out there is perfect 24/7. <<Extra hugs>>

[Zedsdead]

Thanks for the wonderful reply hoping trying. It is a massive stress even thinking about leaving, it has been so long (over a year) since I started really wanting to leave, that the hesitation is killing me.
When I had a therapist, it seemed easier to act on things and I felt more confident in my decisions. Since iv been working so much, usually 6 days a week, 9 hour days, it's hard to even do anything with my 3 young children. Let alone thinking of getting up and leaving.

He is not trying to be either a better father or provider. If it was just the money, I could probably just accept that he will never be able to support us and take it on myself to do that. But it's everything.
He doesn't try with any of our kids except his favourite, our 2 year old first born son. He takes him out fishing, he spends time with him and is nice to him.
Our daughter goes unnoticed by him and he is so hard on her which is terrible for her anxiety. Our 1 year old grates on him, I found out the one day he took care of them last week, he kept our 1 year old in his crib awake for most of the day so he could play video games with a friend.
He makes comments that I know personally he wouldn't ever do, but that are so troubling to me. Like that he will tie our 1 year old to a tree if he cries, or that he will throw him in the river. When I react, he tells me he's just joking and would never do it.
Every morning I wake up with the kids, I get them up, feed, clothe and get their bags packed for daycare and rush off to work while he lays in bed. He never offers to help, he gets overly angry If I wake him up before 9am so I just don't anymore.
He has worked for 2 days now and is already telling me he is going to spend his paychecks on more camping gear because that is all that is important to him.
Our heat got cut off because I couldn't make the payment in time. He laughed and got extremely angry with me when I cried about it because I let worry take over my life and it is my fault he is so angry all the time because I make him that way with my worries.
If he's not ranting at me, he's ranting about others. My mother for being fat and lazy, my sister's for being spoiled, big chain companies for being rich, he actually left a racist note on our neighbours garbage last night stating (go back home) which I had to go rip down when he left the house because I couldn't bear for someone else to be under his impossible scrutiny.

I had to call the police on him a couple weeks ago because he found out that I accepted a man's friend request on Facebook. He threatened to hit me, and then got in our car drunk, with no license to find my coworker.

As for steps, iv been in contact with the women's shelter, iv called victim services but all have told me to apply for an emergency fund to get us up and move from him. Which I did once, but it was going on a couple of weeks and I hadn't heard a word back and they apparently lost my file.
I also worry that when and if I do move, if I get the funding, he will find us and I will be guilt tripped or scared into getting back together.
It's just all very overwhelming, he says he will chop my head off if I leave with the kids also. I'm just scared of what will actually happen.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post.. I don't have anyone else to talk to, I should try to get back in to see my therapist but I just don't have much time off work anymore to book the appointments and get in.

My plan is to call the police officer that responded to our spat the other week and ask for advice. I didn't want to ruin his life by involving police, but at this point I don't see much other options...

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

It's just all very overwhelming, he says he will chop my head off if I leave with the kids also. I'm just scared of what will actually happen.

What a scary thing to hear. My husband started threatening to kill me and I wasn't sure how seriously I should take it because his abuse was verbal, not physical, but my therapist and my support group were really concerned. I think you should take this threat seriously. There's a screening tool to determine how high your risk of escalation is: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Please take some time and use this tool. It might save your life. My score was 8/10. My husband ended up setting our house on fire. Please keep us updated.

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

He doesn't try with any of our kids except his favourite, our 2 year old first born son. He takes him out fishing, he spends time with him and is nice to him.
Our daughter goes unnoticed by him and he is so hard on her which is terrible for her anxiety. Our 1 year old grates on him, I found out the one day he took care of them last week, he kept our 1 year old in his crib awake for most of the day so he could play video games with a friend.
All three may end up with anxiety anxiety. Your daughter definitely will. Your two year could end up acting just like your H does towards you.

He has worked for 2 days now and is already telling me he is going to spend his paychecks on more camping gear because that is all that is important to him.
He should be concerned about paying bills and having some savings for the future. You will always be poor so long as you stay married to him.

....I let worry take over my life and it is my fault he is so angry all the time because I make him that way with my worries.
Due to your upbringing and the needs of your children (mothers still worry about their children when they are adults) you are going to have a tendency to worry the rest of your life--you deserve a partner who is understanding about this. His reaction to your worry makes it harder for you to cope with your anxiety.

If he's not ranting at me, he's ranting about others. My mother for being fat and lazy, my sister's for being spoiled, big chain companies for being rich, he actually left a racist note on our neighbours garbage last night stating (go back home) which I had to go rip down when he left the house because I couldn't bear for someone else to be under his impossible scrutiny.
He will never keep a job because of this attitude.

He threatened to hit me, and then got in our car drunk, with no license to find my coworker.
You need to report these incidents to the police everytime.

I also worry that when and if I do move, if I get the funding, he will find us and I will be guilt tripped or scared into getting back together.
Reread your posts here to remind you of how dangerous he is.

It's just all very overwhelming, he says he will chop my head off if I leave with the kids also. I'm just scared of what will actually happen.
Report this.

I'm sorry for the lengthy post.. I don't have anyone else to talk to, I should try to get back in to see my therapist but I just don't have much time off work anymore to book the appointments and get in.
Please record it all here in order to establish a record of events.

My plan is to call the police officer that responded to our spat the other week and ask for advice. I didn't want to ruin his life by involving police, but at this point I don't see much other options...
You are right about this.

I say do all these things but I know it is not easy. Talk to the police--sometimes police officers can be very supportive. Perhaps a visit to the police station is more important than seeing a therapist right now. You need someone in your corner. You have been under threat for so long that you may not be seeing things rationally. From what you describe, when he is drunk, staying is just as scary as leaving.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

What a scary thing to hear. My husband started threatening to kill me and I wasn't sure how seriously I should take it because his abuse was verbal, not physical, but my therapist and my support group were really concerned. I think you should take this threat seriously. There's a screening tool to determine how high your risk of escalation is: https://www.mosaicmethod.com/
Please take some time and use this tool. It might save your life. My score was 8/10. My husband ended up setting our house on fire. Please keep us updated.

Thanks for that. I also scored 8/10. My husband has said this for years.. he says it so calmly, that if I ever cheat or leave and take the kids, he will chop my head off and stick it on a stake so that everyone will see it.
My therapist was equally concerned and I did mention it to the police officer that responded to my 911 call, but he didn't say much about it.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by Hopingtrying

I say do all these things but I know it is not easy. Talk to the police--sometimes police officers can be very supportive. Perhaps a visit to the police station is more important than seeing a therapist right now. You need someone in your corner. You have been under threat for so long that you may not be seeing things rationally. From what you describe, when he is drunk, staying is just as scary as leaving.

Thanks hoping trying. It seems all so easy to say that I will do these things but it all feels so complicated... for example, yesterday was awful and he was rude and angry all day. Today was a complete turn around and he did all sorts of wonderful things.. It feels like every time I feel iv had enough and feel the urge to get out, he switches it all around and then I feel terrible guilt for even thinking about reporting him to the police.

I have the day off tomorrow and will call victim services again and see if I can get anymore information/safety plan.
I do have every date recorded that he has acted this way as I write in a journal daily and have done for around 3 years.

I feel so anxious to take action, as he tells me all sorts of things to scare me away from leaving. That he will kill me, burn the house/car down to the ground, that he will report me for being abusive etc..

Sometimes I also wonder if I even trust my own perception. What if I just am scared that he is abusive and he actually isn't and this is all normal arguments and mistakes? I feel in my heart that it's not okay, it's getting more and more apparent that he is abusive.. But I still always have those doubts.

I'm going to call around tomorrow and get some information and arrange to meet with the women's shelter counsellor again. She seemed really concerned and believed what I told her. She was easy to talk to and supportive which I definitely need the most right now. For some reason, contacting police seems like a terribly scary act that makes me feel panicked.
Even when I called 911 after he became violent, I became panicked when they arrived, I could hardly speak to them during the questioning and I vomited multiple times throughout and didn't really tell them everything I should have.

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

That he will kill me, burn the house/car down to the ground, that he will report me for being abusive etc..

Sometimes I also wonder if I even trust my own perception. What if I just am scared that he is abusive and he actually isn't and this is all normal arguments and mistakes?

She seemed really concerned and believed what I told her. She was easy to talk to and supportive which I definitely need the most right now. For some reason, contacting police seems like a terribly scary act that makes me feel panicked.

Even when I called 911 after he became violent, I became panicked when they arrived, I could hardly speak to them during the questioning and I vomited multiple times throughout and didn't really tell them everything I should have.

Look at what I highlighted--you are in really danger! This is why they tell abused women to write things down because gaslighting can destroy your sanity and if you are like me, the fact that I remember facts and conversations generally rather than word for word can really work against me when coming to conclusions about past situations.

I read the book, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship," by Patricia Evans. The book would say that eventually, he may (probably will) do what he is threatening (kill you). I hope that shelter helps you get away from there soon. Have you told the counsellor all threatening things he has said? I am sorry you and you children are in so much danger. I am worried about you. It sounds like he has a drinking problem. In my experience, drinking can sometimes make people erratic and angry. He sounds somewhat calculating while sober, using threats first then when they do not work acts like he loves you (you crave complements, intimacy and sex and he may be using that to play you). But drinking is an "amplifier", whenever he is in an ugly mood toward you while drinking the danger increases. Always keep a cell phone with you, everywhere, even under your pillow. Believe me, staying is as dangerous as leaving and everytime you leave and then come back--the danger increases because people like this need to feel total power over their partners so he most definitely feels angry about every time you have left before. When you give people like this the idea that you will never leave and are compliant it soothes them but even this does not work when they are drunk. Please be careful. Your life is in danger. He uses your children to manipulate you. Next time you leave, it is so important that you never directly talk to him.

I want to emphasize that he has a need to feel better than others, have control over you, and he is deeply angry (feeling insecure) about everytime you have threatened to leave or have left. Never, ever accidently admit that you are still considering this. You need to escape but if he knew that is what you are working on then your life be in more danger at that point and he will go to extreme lengths to prevent it (you may be unaware of some of the tactics he is using). It is a power game for him. Be careful.

[Zedsdead]

Thank you so much for your advice and support so far. I really appreciate being able to come here to unload and vent my feelings and frustrations which I don't get to do very often!!

I thought I'd give an update. I have been slowly making progress and have been meeting with the women's shelter for help, advice and a safety plan.

My plan is this week to call the officer that responded to my 911 call, and by Friday go to the courthouse to apply for an emergency protection order. This will have him removed from the home and unable to contact me or the children for a limited amount of time, until further notice and until he is no longer considered a threat.

I'm struggling, she wanted me to do it today, but I don't feel ready to take the plunge. That may be frustrating to people but I just want to feel ready and secure in the decision. So iv decided on my day off on Friday will be the day.
Of course, he is being fine at the moment which intensifies the guilt of doing this. I'm reading through my journal, I'm going to read through all my past posts here to refresh my memory on what he has been doing for the past year... but it is still causing a massive amount of guilt. I can't imagine how he will feel, he will be devastated and that breaks my heart. I just don't know what else to do... iv tried to end it peacefully and he won't talk about it and just gets angry in the past.. so I'm not sure there is even another option.

I'm just extremely nervous.

[NP_Complete]

I'm really glad you've been talking to people and making a plan. I understand why you feel guilty about getting the restraining order. I've been trying to decide if I want to get a restraining order against my husband. He's in jail and not a current threat so I wonder if it's even necessary. I think I just want the things he did on record somewhere, but I still feel guilty about accusing him of those things.

No one here is judging you for doing things in your own time. Please keep us updated and take care of yourself.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I'm really glad you've been talking to people and making a plan. I understand why you feel guilty about getting the restraining order. I've been trying to decide if I want to get a restraining order against my husband. He's in jail and not a current threat so I wonder if it's even necessary. I think I just want the things he did on record somewhere, but I still feel guilty about accusing him of those things.

No one here is judging you for doing things in your own time. Please keep us updated and take care of yourself.

I think it's a good idea to keep a record of his behaviour on file too, it will help in the long run. If you don't mind me asking, why is he in jail?
The guilt is probably the most confusing part of this. Even though I am reading through all of my journal and can't believe the way he has treated me and my children and made me feel in the past 5 years... I still feel like doing this to him is an absolute betrayal of our relationship. I KNOW it is deserved, but I can't help but feel pain thinking about him hurting

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

I think it's a good idea to keep a record of his behaviour on file too, it will help in the long run. If you don't mind me asking, why is he in jail?
The guilt is probably the most confusing part of this. Even though I am reading through all of my journal and can't believe the way he has treated me and my children and made me feel in the past 5 years... I still feel like doing this to him is an absolute betrayal of our relationship. I KNOW it is deserved, but I can't help but feel pain thinking about him hurting

About a month ago, he was agitated and apparently angry with me and threatened to set our house on fire. I ignored him because he'd threatened that before, but when I walked into our living room he had set a pile of stuff on fire. It was a proper bonfire, about 4 or 5 feet square. When I walked in the room, he poured what was left of a bottle of nail polish remover on the fire so it flamed up to about 4 feet tall. I panicked. I tried to find something to put it out with but it was a large fire. I ended up calling 911. The 911 operator finally got me to leave the house about the same time that the cops showed up. After I left, he barricaded himself in the house for about 6 hours. There was a swat team, a crisis negotiation unit, our neighborhood was blocked off, our neighbors evacuated, we were the "breaking news" that night. It was, and still is, a nightmare. As I think I've said previously in this thread, in the weeks leading up to this event he was escalating in his abuse. He got physical with me and he was threatening to kill me. So he's in jail for arson right now. I didn't bail him out.

I feel guilty for calling 911 on him that night. I could have put the fire out. He did obviously. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't called for help, but I feel like it's my fault he's facing a prison sentence right now. I mean, he played a part in it, but so did I. So, I get the guilt you're feeling right now. But you have to do what's best for you and your children. They don't need to witness his abuse of you.

[mimsies]

I feel guilty for calling 911 on him that night. I could have put the fire out. He did obviously. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't called for help, but I feel like it's my fault he's facing a prison sentence right now. I mean, he played a part in it, but so did I. So, I get the guilt you're feeling right now. But you have to do what's best for you and your children. They don't need to witness his abuse of you.

Just to be clear, YOU played NO part in the prison sentence he is facing. He set the fire, and he had a standoff with cops. His decision, not yours. You did what was right in response to the very very wrong thing he did.

If it were someone else I am betting you wouldn't be blaming the victim/witness. You deserve that same respect and consideration. You too, are human.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

About a month ago, he was agitated and apparently angry with me and threatened to set our house on fire. I ignored him because he'd threatened that before, but when I walked into our living room he had set a pile of stuff on fire. It was a proper bonfire, about 4 or 5 feet square. When I walked in the room, he poured what was left of a bottle of nail polish remover on the fire so it flamed up to about 4 feet tall. I panicked. I tried to find something to put it out with but it was a large fire. I ended up calling 911. The 911 operator finally got me to leave the house about the same time that the cops showed up. After I left, he barricaded himself in the house for about 6 hours. There was a swat team, a crisis negotiation unit, our neighborhood was blocked off, our neighbors evacuated, we were the "breaking news" that night. It was, and still is, a nightmare. As I think I've said previously in this thread, in the weeks leading up to this event he was escalating in his abuse. He got physical with me and he was threatening to kill me. So he's in jail for arson right now. I didn't bail him out.

I feel guilty for calling 911 on him that night. I could have put the fire out. He did obviously. I don't know what would have happened if I hadn't called for help, but I feel like it's my fault he's facing a prison sentence right now. I mean, he played a part in it, but so did I. So, I get the guilt you're feeling right now. But you have to do what's best for you and your children. They don't need to witness his abuse of you.

Thank you for sharing your story with me and I just want to say that I am so sorry that you had to endure that, you are a very strong woman. I also want to just say that I understand that guilt so very well. Sadly, I think it is just because we are so conditioned to accept blame for their bad behaviour by them...
I know that every time my partner ups the abuse a little, it's because I have asked him to do something with the kids or asked him about work etc.. when the explosion comes, it's all my fault because I have nagged or started the string of arguments. I then believe if I could have just left him alone then it would have never happened..
It is so frustrating .. but has become so normal to me.

I'm going to stay on track and continue with my plan. Wish me luck x

[Zedsdead]

This post has no real reason other than to complain... but I could cry. I feel so angry and frustrated and lost in my life. I wish it could be easier or him just be the man I need him to be.
He wouldn't give me my bank card this morning and has spent money on it today while I'm at work... I also brought up that I would like to be not the only one paying all of the rent and bills this month.. but he just glared and me and told me to shut the **** up.
I want to lose my temper and scream and run away.