[peanut222]

I love my parents very much. I know they would do anything for me and I would do the same for them. They have provided for me and cared for me from day one and all I want for them is to be happy and safe. But, my dad was also extremely abusive towards my brother and myself when I was a child. He would beat us, force us to do things, try to drown us and lock us in places in fits of rage. It didn't happen often, maybe once a month and didn't happen as much as we got older. My mother didn't get involved when things like those happened. Other than those times, we were happy and cared for children. He hasn't touched us since we left for university and I don't think he ever would again, I feel very safe with my parents now and I want them in my lives.

But I can't help but think that they're the reason that there are things wrong with me. They are why I don't know how to express my emotions properly. They are the reason I have low self-esteem and depression. My mother would make sure we never told and she would make up lies for us to tell teachers and peers. I went through a massive lying phase when I was a child, I lied about everything. I think people knew though. Because when I tried to tell the truth, no one would believe me. I know this happened a long time ago but I've never told anyone since, because I'm scared no one will believe me. I don't tell people the personal stuff, not even my best friend. I can't get the words out.

But I'm not sure? Is it because of my parents that I struggle or is that just me? Am I just trying to shove them blame onto others? I know it wasn't severe abuse but I can't think of anything else that would make me like this. I'm not sure.