[Zedsdead]

Hi all. I'm looking for a place for support and reassurance during this very tough, confusing time.
I had tried to leave my ex many times. He was behaving terribly during the last 3 years of our relationship, emotionally abusive and occasionally abusive. The last time I tried to leave he threatened me, threatened to take away my children and told me he would never let me go.

There was a protection order placed against him. He broke it multiple times in the last week. Only with loving messages so I let it go out of guilt and sadness. The past 2 days he has shown up at my house. I told him that if he showed up again that I would report it, but that I did love him and that he needed to seek help. Well this morning of course he showed up as I was leaving for work.

Today I made a statement against him and there is a warrant out for his arrest.

I am dying with guilt and sadness. I feel so incredibly terrible because now he will be going to prison. He has been coming into my house for the past couple of days, cleaning, leaving me long letters of love for me and just basically being extremely apologetic.

I am so torn inside. I feel so wrong and horrible for doing this to him I just don't understand why he has taken it so far.

[reb569]

It sounds to me like you did what had to be done. You know his history. Once he convinced you to let him back in the abuse would have surfaced again eventually.

He also knew the potential repercussions of breaking the order of protection. He really has no one to blame but himself.

Don't be hard on yourself.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by reb569

It sounds to me like you did what had to be done. You know his history. Once he convinced you to let him back in the abuse would have surfaced again eventually.

He also knew the potential repercussions of breaking the order of protection. He really has no one to blame but himself.

Don't be hard on yourself.

Thank you. I did feel it was the right thing to Do, it just was so hard to shut down his pleading and begging because he looked so sad. I'm really glad that I stood my ground now though, yesterday was very emotional, but I feel that if I had have taken him back, we would have been at square 1. I'm Hoping he can use this as a lesson and see that what he was doing was scary and no less that stalking.
After some reading, I discovered stalking is about control, which certainly fits within our situation.

[Shazerac]

You didn't do anything wrong. You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your children.

You are not a horrible person. Stalkers are very adept at pulling at our heart strings and acting apologetic, and profess to be oh so sorry.......until they get you back in their clutches and the abuse cycle starts again and escalates.

[ReptileInYourHead]

You did the right thing Zed. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel good..

[Zedsdead]

I have felt massive amounts of stress since he started contacting me against his order. I couldn't concentrate, I felt sorry for him, guilt and shame...
But today I woke up feeling relieved again. He's gone for now.. I wish it could have been different. I just couldn't help him the way he needed

[NP_Complete]

I'm trying to decide if I want to get a restraining order against my husband. The difference between us is that mine is already in jail. I have no doubt that if he wasn't he would be showing up on my doorstep even with the order in place. I also struggle with thinking maybe it would be different this time if I let him move back in. I have a feeling that things would be fine for a while, but the abuse would start up again eventually. It's hard to have two conflicting thoughts in your head at the same time. I think you did the right thing. From what I've read, abusers don't change without years of therapy and being able to admit to themselves that they are abusive and wanting to change. Mine refused to admit that anything he ever did was abusive. He would agree that he was a jerk, but that's about all he would ever admit to.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

I'm trying to decide if I want to get a restraining order against my husband. The difference between us is that mine is already in jail. I have no doubt that if he wasn't he would be showing up on my doorstep even with the order in place. I also struggle with thinking maybe it would be different this time if I let him move back in. I have a feeling that things would be fine for a while, but the abuse would start up again eventually. It's hard to have two conflicting thoughts in your head at the same time. I think you did the right thing. From what I've read, abusers don't change without years of therapy and being able to admit to themselves that they are abusive and wanting to change. Mine refused to admit that anything he ever did was abusive. He would agree that he was a jerk, but that's about all he would ever admit to.

I would definitely get the restraining order in place for when he is released from jail. Although I know exactly how hard it is to physically shut down the contact between you is.
I tried to do it in the most peaceful way I could.. I desperately didn't want to get the police involved, but he wasn't taking no for an answer. He wasn't being aggressive in any way, but was calling and texting me begging and promising to change every hour.
The police made the order straight from the station so it was quite easy to obtain. He then broke it a couple of days later by texting me, which I didn't report. The next day he showed up at the house crying and promising that he would change.. it was so hard to see him that way,
I started to feel stressed and feel bad for what I had done and then he continued to show up at the house the following days.. I decided to report it and now their is a warrant for his arrest.

It is by far one of the hardest things Iv ever had to do. The guilt is killing me, but I try to remember all the terrible things he did and said in the last 5 years and It helps.

I kept an abuse journal for the past year, every day I wrote in it describing his moods and actions. It really helps to look at and see the abuse cycle for what it really was.

I feel for you being in this situation. It truly is heart wrenching and SO confusing.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

From what I've read, abusers don't change without years of therapy and being able to admit to themselves that they are abusive and wanting to change.

As a former abuser or "monster" myself, I know that to be true. I had to stop blaming anyone else for anything at all even when I could prove the wrongdoing of others, and I had to accept and admit the fact that I was the author of the misery of everyone around me, including my own, and then have someone teach me how to live.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

The police made the order straight from the station so it was quite easy to obtain.

I wish it was that easy here. In my county (I'm in the US) they give you this huge form that you have to fill out. So many different places you have to print your name, his name, your address, etc. It's very tedious. Then you have to take it to an office in the morning so they can review it and take it to the courthouse. You have to watch a video about what a restraining order is and it's effects. Then at 1 pm you go to court. By 3 pm you get your copies of the order. Basically, it's an all day process. What are you supposed to do if you work? Luckily, I get paid vacation but not everyone has that privilege.

[NP_Complete]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

As a former abuser or "monster" myself, I know that to be true. I had to stop blaming anyone else for anything at all even when I could prove the wrongdoing of others, and I had to accept and admit the fact that I was the author of the misery of everyone around me, including my own, and then have someone teach me how to live.

Did anyone accuse you of being abusive? If so, how did you react?

It took me many years to fully comprehend that what my husband was doing was emotional abuse. My therapist saw it as abuse, but for some reason I didn't. Once I figured it out and had started reading the literature on it, I had the brilliant idea to confront my husband. It did not go over well. He continually threw it in my face that he didn't hit me, despite the fact that he did many things that are considered physical abuse and he had actually hit me. I guess I thought I would tell him this and he would magically see the light and apologize and we would live happily ever after. Foolish me. I'm just curious what your experience is from the other side.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Did anyone accuse you of being abusive? If so, how did you react?

...I had the brilliant idea to confront my husband. It did not go over well...

No, I do not recall anyone ever trying to confront me. It was after I had found myself divorced the second time and completely alone that I finally admitted to myself that I was going to have to change. It would be great if a close friend or other "neutral party" could take an abuser aside and discuss the matter, but I would likely have done just as you have described your husband having done. Beyond that, however, I had my wives bullied into silence and I highly doubt anyone else really knew.

On a more-positive note: My second wife is now also my third, and we have been happily re-married for a little over 30 years!

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by NP_Complete

Did anyone accuse you of being abusive? If so, how did you react?

It took me many years to fully comprehend that what my husband was doing was emotional abuse. My therapist saw it as abuse, but for some reason I didn't. Once I figured it out and had started reading the literature on it, I had the brilliant idea to confront my husband. It did not go over well. He continually threw it in my face that he didn't hit me, despite the fact that he did many things that are considered physical abuse and he had actually hit me. I guess I thought I would tell him this and he would magically see the light and apologize and we would live happily ever after. Foolish me. I'm just curious what your experience is from the other side.

It took me a long time to figure it out too. One day it hit me that he was treating me badly.. that it was all emotional abuse. Plus sometimes physically.
I'm sorry the process is so tedious in the US. It is that way here for a restraining order too, but because of my situation I got something called an emergency protection order which is given and then reviewed in 9 days. Which is tomorrow. But because he broke the order already, he has a warrant out for his arrest. Very stressful.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

As a former abuser or "monster" myself, I know that to be true. I had to stop blaming anyone else for anything at all even when I could prove the wrongdoing of others, and I had to accept and admit the fact that I was the author of the misery of everyone around me, including my own, and then have someone teach me how to live.

My ex does the same thing. He cannot completely accept that it is behaviour that has caused this! He has been pleading, begging and apologizing but he has done this every time I have had enough so I think it's just manipulative.
It's sad because I want to believe him. I just can't because he's shown me over and over that I can't trust him.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

My ex does the same thing. He cannot completely accept that it is behaviour that has caused this! He has been pleading, begging and apologizing but he has done this every time I have had enough so I think it's just manipulative.
It's sad because I want to believe him. I just can't because he's shown me over and over that I can't trust him.

I had pleaded with my first wife to not divorce me and I was sincere in my apologies and promises, but she knew I would not be able to make good on them. With my second wife much later, I went to her and told her I had no idea how to become a good husband but that I was determined to find someone to show me and help me learn to do whatever I needed to do.

In my own opinion, you have decided wisely.

[Zedsdead]

Originally Posted by leejosepho

I had pleaded with my first wife to not divorce me and I was sincere in my apologies and promises, but she knew I would not be able to make good on them. With my second wife much later, I went to her and told her I had no idea how to become a good husband but that I was determined to find someone to show me and help me learn to do whatever I needed to do.

In my own opinion, you have decided wisely.

How did you learn? What type of behaviour were you acting out?

In my situation, my husband is just cruel. He lies, he abandoned me when I needed him the most and became physical when I tried to stand up to him, which I eventually stopped doing because of that.

I tried to help, I tried to understand and help him to get into the doctors, therapy, secondary school etc.. I supported him and his dreams for years and it all just got thrown back in my place.
I believe he loves me, I just don't believe he knows how to love.

I will pray for him tomorrow, he goes to court to review the protection order, but because there is a warrant for his arrest, I believe he will be taken when he walks into the court house. It makes me sad but it's out of my hands now.

[leejosepho]

Originally Posted by Zedsdead

How did you learn? What type of behaviour were you acting out?

...

I believe he loves me, I just don't believe he knows how to love.

Most of my abuse was verbal, and I could appear quite kind and loving while life seemed to be going well or other people were around. But overall, my actions were as if my wife was a servant or a possession expected to give even if she never received anything in return. The Twelve Steps of A.A. were the focus at the core of my change, and with much additional input from various pastors and teachers along the way.