[nikon]

I'm not sure this is the correct forum for this but not sure where else to post it.

I keep getting these unpleasant memories popping up - not stuff I'd repressed or something, but just coming up when I don't want to think about them, as many bad memories seem to do.

In junior school I think I might have been part of bullying both receiving and being the bully. It is a very hazy memory but sometimes I get a bit surprised at how violent it got. I think the group of kids I was friends with (although I'm not sure these were my real friends or more like people I wanted to be friends with) went through a stage of slapping each other in the face. I think it got so bad that we/I got blood inside our mouths from it, because I kind of remember the taste, but then I also half remember it as though I did that to someone else and was shocked that they bled. For a long time I have had instinctual reactions to people raising their hands around me and I never really understood it because in my mind I have never been abused and never been bullied.

Part of me wants to talk about it with my therapist but I feel so embarrassed to do so. It feels too vulnerable to talk about it, I feel like it would be asking for care or attention to say I think I was bullied. I do have a really negative view of humankind, though, and something like this could have contributed to it.

[nicoleflynn]

I hope you will choose to talk about it....it will continue to affect you; I think it would help a lot; that is what your therapist is there for; to talk about the hard things.

[Buffy01]

Originally Posted by nikon

I'm not sure this is the correct forum for this but not sure where else to post it.

I keep getting these unpleasant memories popping up - not stuff I'd repressed or something, but just coming up when I don't want to think about them, as many bad memories seem to do.

In junior school I think I might have been part of bullying both receiving and being the bully. It is a very hazy memory but sometimes I get a bit surprised at how violent it got. I think the group of kids I was friends with (although I'm not sure these were my real friends or more like people I wanted to be friends with) went through a stage of slapping each other in the face. I think it got so bad that we/I got blood inside our mouths from it, because I kind of remember the taste, but then I also half remember it as though I did that to someone else and was shocked that they bled. For a long time I have had instinctual reactions to people raising their hands around me and I never really understood it because in my mind I have never been abused and never been bullied.

Part of me wants to talk about it with my therapist but I feel so embarrassed to do so. It feels too vulnerable to talk about it, I feel like it would be asking for care or attention to say I think I was bullied. I do have a really negative view of humankind, though, and something like this could have contributed to it.

It sound like you were abuse but also may have abuse other unintentional on your part. Have you tried to reach out to those who were involve apologize? Perhaps it was just a couple teenager being too young to fully understand the damage the may do in the future. Keep looking for help