I Want To Escape My Family....

So, I’m a 22 year old adult female, still living with my parents. I have two siblings, one of which is over 12 years older than me. Growing up, we had a very dysfunctional family life. My Dad has worked abroad throughout our lives, so spent a lot of time out of the picture. But when he was at home, he always had a problem with alcohol - never had a close relationship wih my mother, was always very cold, detached etc. Never really knew how to express emotion, love etc. So in a sense, I’ve never really experienced that “Father figure” there in my life. Though, I have to give him the credit that I know he had a difficult upbringing himself that probably resulted in all this. He might have issues with being that supportive father figure for us all, but in that same breath, he’s always been the main provider for the family, never left us, and everything he’s ever earned in his working life has gone to supporting the family. Which tells me that there is something in him that cares for us.
My Mother however, has always held a huge resentment to my father for never being that romantic, familt-loving type of husband. Yet, she’s never complained about spending up all of his hard-earned money. My Mum has always been a “house-wife”, always stayed at home with the kids - but growing up with her, reflecting back on her behaviour and even recently watching over childhood, home videos, I see that she was clearly depressed, detached etc. in the way she communicated with us etc. Always the type to buy us the newest toys etc. for us to entertain ourselves. But I grew up extremely attached to her, wanting her love etc. And with an intense fear of her leaving etc. Whenever we’d misbehave as a child, I remember she would often threaten to leave us. Also, she never had friends, a social life or anything like that growing up. Her life was her kids. It always has been.
My oldest brother being over 12 years older than me, grew up with a lot of issues with aggression. He used to beat me up as a young child. Until the age of about maybe 16 years old, when I went through a period of cutting myself - That’s around the same time he stopped taking out his anger on me. The thing is, at times he would be a “good” older brother, who would take me out to the movies, play video games etc. But then other times, he would beat the living **** out of me. I personally believe he is the result of a lot of my psychological issues as an adult. He used to make me watch extreme horror movies as a young child maybe 6-7 years old, and I grew up really anxious and fearful. I also have memories of having some hamsters which their babies had died, and he forced me to watch him burning them to a crisp. - A few years ago I also went through a period of identifying as Asexual as I had a lot of underlying disgust and discomfort around the issues of sex and intimacy. I had to do some real reflecting and digging through my mind and memories to understand why I had these issues with sexuality. I have a memory of being around 5 years old and my brother explaining to me what sex was for the first time ever.... I didn’t really understand it, being a child. Also, with my dad out of the picture a lot, I rememher by brother used to say to me a lot that he was actually my dad and I wouldn’t believe him and then he’d go into detail, telling me how he had sex with our Mother etc. One day, I made the huge mistake of telling this to some older people that were visiting our parents - you know how kids blurt things out. Well, my mother was hysterical. My brother took me upstairs, grabbed me by the hair and smacked my head over and over again against my bedroom wall. I will always remember that. And as an adult, I’ve never ever ever talked about that memory to anyone. I buried that deep for a long time.
Other than that, I also remember from maybe age 8-13 my brother would always want me to sleep in his bed with him. He would bribe me into sleeping in his room through letting me play video games or sweets/food etc. I absolutely ****ing hated sleeping in his room with him. I would always beg him not to make me, but he would get angry if I didn’t. Looking back as an adult, I honestly don’t understand why a (grown) man would want his younger sister to sleep in his room with him? I’m starting to obsessively question whether or not he molested me in my sleep or would masturbate while I slept?!. He would always sleep in his boxers too. I mean, seriously, how inappropriate is that? It just doesnt make sense. And these thoughts seriously make me squirm, disgusted, scared, sick to my stomach etc. I remember even times where he would grab my butt etc as a child and tell me how firm it was and that guys would like it etc. I remember also at age 15-16 when I was lying on my bed, he lay down behind me, almost like spooning, where his crotch was touching me, and Ininstinctively, really quickly slapped/hit him to push him away. And he started punching me over and over. I think that’s the last memory I have of him hitting me.
As an adult, my brother is still in my life. Since about 16 years old when I went throgh that period of self harm, my brother became extremely apologetic for how he treated me growing up. He hasn’t hit me in years but I still hold a huge resentment and disgust for him. Yet I pretend to be completely normal, like nothing has happened. I’m not particularly close with him, but I joke and laugh etc. occasionally. But this all still sits with me.

There is sooo much I want to write and I realise, I’ve already written so much. So thankyou if you’ve taken the time to read this far. Basically, as an adult, as mentioned I have issues regarding my sexuality. This is incredibly uncomfortable for me to write and sincerely makes me sick to my stomach. But when it comes to my sexual fantasies as an adult, they always seem to be of an incestuous theme. Now, in saying that I want to emphasise that it is STRICTLY fantasy and I 100% do not think or imagine my own actual family, the idea of that freaks me out beyond belief. But the fact that I even fantasise about this hugely distresses me, It’s making me hate my family to the point of recoiling in disgust even when they simply touch me. I cannot hug or touch my family anymore. I have a deep anger underlying all of this. I even constantly question whether or not my Brother actually did have an incestuous relationship with my Mother. And the uncertainty makes me hate them. The thing is, They have no idea I’m thinking or feeling any of this. But oh my god, it’s there. I’m extremely resentful to my family for the way I grew up with them. To the point where I’ve considered changing my identity legally and moving somewhere where I never have to come in contact with them again. It makes me sick to my stomach. Thinking about all this, which I seriously have always kept 100% to myself, it just manifests itself in physical anger, like I almost tremble. The worst thing is, not being sure about it all. And not wanting to address the issue or bring it all up to anyone. I ideally want this to stay dead and buried.
I can’t ****ing stand my family. They treat me like I’m just like my dad, the cold, detached family member who doesn’t appreciate or want to be like a “family”. But intuitively, I can’t get past how shady my Mum and Brother are. Another thing is, my mother knew how much my brother beat me growing up and she knew he would always make me sleep in his room growing up. What mother in her right mind allows this to happen? How lets a young girl sleep with her older brother over 12years age difference in the same bed, whilst he’s only in boxers. I don’t know if I’m being irrational. But it just doesn’t make sense to me.

The point of this post.. I guess is for my own sake.. I’ve never ever discussed this. I just want some kind of opinion or thoughts on my situation? Am I wrong for wanting to completely abandon my family? Is it unreasonable to change my identity and leave them all behind.. to live a life with zero family?

I can’t escape the feeling that I can’t live a normal life, or let go of all these thoughts unless I just leave them completely.

I am sorry that you went through this. I think he probably did sexually assault you and you embarrassed him by exposing him for what he had informed you of. I wonder if perhaps your mom may have molested him if he is saying how he had created you when he slept with his mom. She became embarrassed. I don't think it is wrong for you want to abandon your family because of what they had done to you. Instead of protecting you they should have done something to your brother.

Hi kpz1040

I read your post and I see similarities with my own life. I also had a emotionally detached mother and there was no love between my parents. And no love for me, except abuse everyday. I too had an older sibling but it was a reverse situation compared to yours. I had an older sister and I was the first male born. I'm a bit older than you and I've had a lot of flashbacks the last few years pertaining to sexual and emotional abuse by her. It's done a lot of damage to my sexuality too.

From what you say the family does seem dysfunctional. They probably will not be interested in anything you have to say. I had the same issue with my family. Psychologist John Bradshaw talks about the 'no talk rule' in dysfunctional families who instead play 'happy family'. So your anger, anguish and pain will have to be dealt with elsewhere. Do you see a therapist? It may be a good idea to have one so you can talk about all this. Can you move out? Do you have a job or are you studying?

Something else I have done a lot of is reading about psychology, dysfunctional families, scapegoated child and narcissism. Researching these topics may help you discover the truth and help explain what you went through. Also help to understand your present circumstances. I hope this helps.

PH

I am sorry that you are struggling a lot. These are great idea. I wish that I had thought about doing those kind of research myself. I will keep those in mind.

First off, I totally understand the fantasies part, and that's completely okay. There's nothing wrong with you at all.

Second of all, believe me when I say I really understand your desire to move away and detach yourself from your family, and you're not wrong for wanting to focus on yourself and your own mental health. It took me a while to understand that's not selfish or wrong or that it makes you come off as ungrateful. You're not obligated to stay with your family. They haven't treated you right. I know there are some people who make their own family, full of close friends who they can trust. It's okay if you want to move somewhere so you can start fresh without worrying about anything your family has done or said.

I agree with you on the last part to be honest. Sometimes you really have to cut off toxicity if you want to move on and live a fulfilling life. Trust me when I say being around toxicity for so long REALLY begins to weigh you down and you might reach a breaking point.

I wish you all the best. <3

kpz, I am sorry to read about your problems. It is absolutely fine to have sexual fantasies, and after what you've been through not surprising they include incestuous themes. Your fantasies are not an issue, but that they bother you that much and you being hesitant to speak about them is. It is normal to have intrusive thoughts and echoing what others posted, you may want to discuss them with a therapist.

I think you will likely benefit from moving out. Just if you did, why would you need to go to extremes and cut all ties with your family? After I moved out from my depressing and suffocating family home, Invisited maybe twice a year and because they were seeing me so rarely, my parents tried hard to be nice.

Since your brother behaves apologetically, he likely feels guilty. If you are sure he won't turn aggressive or physically abusive again, you could try mentioning to him how much the abuse experiences and his incestuous tendencies trouble you today.

I hope you will find a good solution and wish you all the best.
Phil

That is great advice. I wish that I had thought about that.

I had dealt with similar things growing up. It was both my brothers, and my mom looked the other way, and abused me in other ways. I tried to keep away from my brothers by sleeping under my own bed. Sometimes it worked, and sometimes it didn't. All the abuse I have dealt with in my life, has come back to haunt me for some time now, but I am working on it. I take meds, see a councilor, and see a phy doc. You might try to see someone for any issues you may have. I am 52, and working on it now. You don't want to spend your whole life with issues because of abuse.