[mirzp25]

After many years of keeping it to myself, I came forward to my mother about my step dad being inappropriate with me while i was a kid and all i can think about is how I should have kept my mouth shut. How I should have continued to keep it to myself. It was just easier that way.

I would always see other victims talk about how they felt relief to have spoken up but, I don't feel that at all. I feel regret and shame. I wish i could take it back. To others who have spoken up: will this feeling pass?

[Open Eyes]

Not all victims get the relief you have heard about. Often the first reaction "after" finally telling is actually "regret and shame". That is why it's hard to open up and talk about what one experienced where they were a victim and frightened.

[starfruit504]

When I opened up about my father sexual abusing me, I didn't feel relief. I felt mostly shame. I felt misunderstood, like there was no way for me to describe what happened and how I dealt with it and have someone else completely understand what it was like, why I kept this to myself until I was 30, why it was so hard for me to understand that it was sexual abuse in the first place.

The truth spread to family members who I didn't want to tell about it. My grandmother learned about it, lived for 2 months and then died suddenly. I can't imagine that news helped her health at all. Some relatives questioned my memory -- I had family members claim that it's impossible to remember something that happened when you're 3 or 4 years old. Many of them seemed like they wished to keep their heads in the sand and I understand that, because it means they have to look back and wonder why they didn't notice or didn't do anything about this abuse that was happening in the next room.

Someone even told me my father was getting legal advice to keep me from writing about my experience (I'm an author).

So, I absolutely understand feeling like it was a mistake and you wish you could take it back. It's an ugly truth that you don't want out there in the world because you don't want it to identify you. You hope that telling will be a relief but there's actually more work to be done to get that relief.

Know this -- it was an ugly secret, but it wasn't your secret. You didn't create this situation, your abuser did. You decided you didn't want to keep his secret anymore. All the shame or disgust that comes with that secret, it belongs to him, it was his abusive actions. Putting the shame where it belongs is a long process. It comes with being young and helpless when these things happened. You have to reprocess everything, not just in therapy, but actively outside of therapy too.

Your feeling will pass. Because you did the right thing. Try to be as compassionate with yourself as you would with a friend who had that the same trauma history. If a friend came to you and unburdened herself, told you she had been abused as a child, you wouldn't want her to feel shame -- you'd say "You have nothing to be ashamed of. You shouldn't regret telling me." It's true and I'll say it to you, You have nothing to be ashamed of and you shouldn't regret telling the truth after all these years. You did the right thing.