[InMyEyes]

The only way my daughter can have a "relationship" with her Mom is if she is either participating with some devious plan against me, her Dad, or if she stays away from me altogether. During times of the latter, it's "my fault." In essence, our daughter is not allowed to be herself but an extension of her mother.

Now she is 17, has attempted suicide several times, has lived in a residential behavioral unit for most of the past year and AGAIN showing signs of her mother's "puppetteering." I found a text while helping her grandma with her new phone which she borrowed while with us during the previous weeks pass. When i brought it up in a non-confrontational way, she didn't remember it at first, then admitted to it, THEN projected guilt on me, which was absurd, and threatened giving up on me because "having a relationship with you is hopeless," she said. The thing is, this behavior that "makes mom happy," awards her only temporary "thats my girl" attention from mom. I am forced away, then Mom has little use for her, our daughter returns to me, pretends all is well, mom is cold to her, repeat. Its a sick cycle we have been forced to stay in. I'm afraid for our daughters life because of this and I feel as though there's nothing I can do about it.

I think about present versus past, before she was old enough to be impressed upon by her mom, we were close and i was excited for her future. Now she has a track record of showing no regard for me. Whenever she shows "loving" behavior it seems fake because of ut feeling random, yet planned.

I just wanted to vent I suppose, unable to sleep, having found myself in another one of many "lows" I've experienced over the last 6 or so years after thinking we'd made progress.
Thanks for reading if you've made it this far.

I DO welcome any advice although it seems we've done it all. Her psychiatrist and therapist kinda know what's going on but so far haven't been able to do much for her because of the control mom has over her and her tendency to protect the truth. Her mom will never change either.

[Open Eyes]

I am sorry you are having to deal with a daughter that seems to be under the control of a narcissistic mother. It sounds like she is very confused and can't seem to develop her OWN feelings about things. What you can do when you do get to spend time with her is to keep telling her that she has a right to have her own feelings about things and her own opinions. And make sure you tell her you love her unconditionally too.

[starfruit504]

Hang in there. Just keep being a good dad.

What I wouldn't have given to have a safe space away from my narcissist father when I was 17 years old.

You can't break the cycle yourself, your daughter has to be the one to do it. I think it's much more likely that she can accomplish this with a healthy, unconditionally loving father in her corner.

I know it's hurtful to watch her be puppeted, emotional abused. I'm sure it hurts to have her brush you off for long periods because that's what her mother wants. But she's 17. She may need some time to step out from her mother's very large shadow.

[Nammu]

What a horrible position for her mother to put her in. Don't give up on a relationship with her, it might take time but perhaps maturity will help her see things more clearly.