[darkpurplesecrets]

Here it is almost 9:00a.m. and I sit here tears streaming and lost somewhere inside. I hear voices within crying wondering where we are. Today marks another anniversary date and even though I know I am safe, it does not feel like it was years ago. My body is reacting and marks and bruises show themselves once again. I have never shared this or any part of my story here. This is very hard and terrifying. I wonder if anyone will care or even know I am here.

I fear this day and though the past cannot hurt you, the memories lie deep and ever real to all of us. This is the day I was married to satan at age 5. I remember the ceremony, the night, and how I could not move or get away. I remember the drugged feeling and not being able to fight them. I was just a little girl. I left that body and floated high above to the corner of the room.

Prepared and brought out and handed over to those I knew, those who were to love me. I stayed as long as I could before I could not take another breath--and the exhale never came for me. The men, the upside-down cross, the words, mamma. And somewhere in the midst, I was lost and forsaken. This is so hard for me as I feel every ounce of fear I felt that night.

Lifted to the upside-down cross by a man in red who was satan, and the others surrounding in black robes all waiting their turn. As they opened their robes, there was nothing except their bodies and what to a little 5 year old girl turned into pitchforks that invaded her little body one by one. The pain was so much and the fear itself caused me to leave and put another there. It was the only way I could survive.

Over and over they hurt her. Her arms and legs chained to the table in a position that she could not move or get away. There was no voice, no need for a voice because no one cared or was listening. The chanting was loud, hurting our head. The louder, the more. Just enough of something in her koolaide to bring her to a point that she could not move but still knew what was happening. She was too little to get away, to little for their bigness, too little for words.

Each took their turn--as I watched from the ceiling with Christopher guarding my back. When they were finished, it was concemated by her own mother. The cross--2 of them--used to mock and to affirm. Somewhere inside a part of me died. A part of me left myself that night. I came back to the table when it was over. The chains were removed and I fell exhausted and hurting more than words could ever tell you. I could not move on my own and was carried to the van.

Never was I the same again, never to be a 5 year old, never to know love or believe that even mamma's cared. Splitting became living as I was theirs over and over again. The ceiling became my friend as I frequented there more times than I can tell you. I was his, satan's. I knew no better and I believed them when they said it was my fault. As the days and years followed, ceremonies came and I was theirs.

Now, as I sit here, I cannot breath and I am terrified. I wonder if it is okay to hit the send button. I wonder if anyone will even care. Today I find it hard to be, hard to look at anyone, hard to even accept myself. I know now that it was not my fault, I was just a little girl--but that does not take away from what I see and what I feel. I feel no love right now and like I am walking in a darkness that is so thick it might swallow me.

I fear today and the memories, and though they cannot hurt you they can make themselves ever real once again. I find myself wanting to hide away and that breath that left is once again filling my chest and I wonder sometimes, as the seconds tick away, if I will breath again. I wish someone could see inside and pull me back. I try to move forward but it is days like today that I wonder if I will fall back.

If you are listening, please pray that I will find strength to somehow be okay today. I am scared and will not take that from myself. I cry for that little girl--for me--who was trapped in a world no one knew existed, no one could save. For the first time I held her and I felt her terror and her pain. And for the first time today, I face it as myself not her. I am hurting but not giving up. I guess I am reaching the only way I know how. The safest way for me through words that they could not take.

Thank you for listening. I just needed to say it. I just needed to reach out. I hope it is okay. I pray someone is there that I am not alone. I am scared to be alone today. Scared of the feelings I am having. Scared of thoughts that fill my mind. Just hoping someone hears me, someone listens, someone cares. My strength is weak at best and I am terrified within and without. I am trying and I am reaching--please hear me someone--I do not want to be alone.

camillionwords1truth

[Rapunzel]

I read your story, but I don't know what to say. You're not alone. Not everyone who reads this is going to have a reply, but for each one, I hope you know that you are not alone.

save hugs for you camillion. I am hoping you find some peace inside and know your inner goodness.

I care and I hear you.. and the little 5 year old you... and my tears join your tears today... for the both of you...

Though our experiences are different.. I know your fear.. your terror.. your pain.. your body owies.. and your body aches... so you are never, ever alone.. because I am here.. shared pain, shared fear, shared sorrow..

Now for the two of us...shared friendship...and shared love...

I care.. and I hear.. and I grieve.. for the both of you.. and the (all of you)...

[pachyderm]

Have you ever heard of Torey L. Hayden? She wrote a book called "Ghost Girl: The True Story of a Child in Peril and the Teacher Who Saved Her." It sounds something like what you described. The story does not have a completely happy ending, but it might help to validate what you say.

(((((((((((((((camillion)))))))))

I also cry with you, feel your pain, you've been to hell and back and I want you to know I will always listen to anything you need to say. I wish I could give you a real gentle hug, I want to take away your pain, know you are a wonderful person, you have survived this, and that alone makes you a saint in my eyes.

I sincerely hope you find peace, you have the love here you so much deserve. You're certainly not alone,

my love, Jinnyann xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[recluse1]

((((camilion)))) you are so brave to share your story. it takes great strength to allow yourself to speak the truth for anniversaries of horror are so hard to deal with. know that you are not alone. i am always here and i will always care. i love you dear friend and on this day i hold you as that 5 year old little girl. i scoop you up and wipe away your tears and carry you away to a place of love and kindness. a place where this little girl can be a little girl and never again know the pain. she will finally feel love and she will finally have peace. i do pray for you and i carry you in my heart always. i pray as i type that you are able to cast out the fears and the pain. that you can lay those burdens at the feet of Christ and He will carry them for you so you may heal. i pray you the courage to keep moving forward and the Lord Jesus be with you every step of the way, guiding you,loving you, healing you, and embracing you in his light.

i love you so much. and i am so very proud of your strength and your courage. you may feel small at times but your heart is a mighty heart, for even thru your pain; you find compassion and mercy for others. you are a beautiful person that is worthy of great things.

love and light to you always
recluse1

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((Rupunzel))))

Thank you for your words. They meant alot and I read them several times. As scary as it was for me to post, I feel blessed to have people here who care and listen. Thank you for being one of those. Today, it is a little easier to breath.

camilionwords1truth

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((estersvirtue))))

Thank you so much for the safe hugs. I really needed them and still do. Yesterday was so hard and today I still feel weak and lost. But I know that I have friends hear that really care for the first time in my life. I feel blessed to have a place to come and share for the first time in my life. Thank you for listening and caring enough to reach back. I love you my friend.

camilionwords1truth

[madmusican]

((((((((((((((((((((((camilion)))))))))))))))))))))))

I am here and I care.

So sorry I have not been around at what is a horrible horrible time for you.

You are so very brave posting this.

I love you hunni, with all my heart and I am always here.

Mad xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((freewill))))

I love you my friend more than words could tell you. Knowing you were right there in thought made it a little easier to walk through. Your strength meant so much. Thank you for your words for they meant the world. I clung to them and carried them with me. Yes, our fear, pain, and sorrow we share more than you know. I love you my friend always and I send you good thoughts right back to you. Thank you for reaching freewill. I knew you were there. Together we can walk this road that is sometimes dark and full of debree, but together we can clear the way for each other and stand beside each other on the darkest days, just waiting and listening.

camilionwords1truth

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((pachyderm))))

Thank you and yes, I have heard of Torey. I will try to check out that story. Thank you for caring and for reaching out.

camilionwords1truth

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((jinnyann))))

thank you dear friend and know I love you so much. Your words and support helped me more than you know. It was with great fear I posted for the first time about my life. I was afraid to come back but I do feel the love and support I have never had. Thank you. Jenny, I love you girl and I know you are there. I too am there for you anytime. Thank you for the hug, I really needed it. And although it hurts, it is comforting at the time. Yesterday, I walked into total darkness alone but soon others were there reaching and just being there. Today, I feel weak but renewed. And it is because of friends like you and others whose strength and prayers mean so much. Thank you and I love you.

camilionwords1truth

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((recluse))))

I love you so much my friend. Thank you for caring and for reaching. I was terrified to post. But somewhere I found the strength and courage. Friends like you give that strength and courage more than you know. God has blessed me with you and others here that I only wish I deserved. You do not know how much I love you. I screamed out in darkness yesterday so many times, yet God sent me lights through you and others. Today, I feel exhausted but alive. Thank you for your love and support. Thank you for listening and validating me. Thank you for your friendship, for you. I love you my dear dear friend, always.

camilionwords1truth

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((mm))))

Thank you so much my dear friend. I know you care and are there. I have missed you so much. Thank you for your support and love. I feel so blessed because even in all the darkness, God sent me all of you to care and encourage me. I sometimes just read and grasp words, words that I have never heard before. For so long, I was shut down and hiding, secrets built and fear dominated. Each day, God gives me the strength to reach even one more word--one more letter than the day before. Just know I love you so much. Thank you for caring and for being there.

camilionwords1truth

[katheryn]

((((((((((((((((((camilionwords1truth)))))))))))))))))))))))

im sorry you suffered so, you a very brave person to write all that to tell us, you are not alone there is allways someone here that can talk or just listen

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((katheryn))))

Thank you for the support and the hug. I could really use that. I feel very fortunate at the people here and the love that surrounds others. I feel so blessed and thankful for each one of you. Thank you again and I send a hug right back to you.

camilionwords1truth

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((((((((((( camilionwords1truth )))))))))))))))


love you sweety
Fuzzy

[SeptemberMorn]

Camilion, I just read this. There are no words to explain my feelings of sorrow for that little girl. I, too, would have scooped her up and run as far away from that place as possible.

Your courage to post this is remarkable! You have a special place in my heart as well as a great respect for you.

Words fail me, but know that along with the rest of those who have posted to you, I am here for whatever it might be that I can do.

[TryingToCope]

Camilion, I just read your post. I don't know how to respond other than to say I am here for you.

I know you have suffered so much more, but I just felt the need to post this to you, the words are so true, know Ithink of you and how brave you are and also that we both have little girls inside of us that one day will be free. I'm always here for you, always, we are strong, we are survivors, we are good people.

I KNOW YOU'LL MAKE IT THROUGH....

You try to get some sleep
but night time magnifies.
Things that troubledd you by day
at night time grow in size.
Awful sweaty sheets,
you wake with such a start
a marathon you feel you've run
with such a pounding heart.
Peopple offer you advice
you now that they're sincere,
but words that leave their mouth
rarely reach your ear.
And what about the stomach
suddenly in free fall
it makes legs turn to jelly
so you have to crawl.
A brave face you wear for others
as life of course goes on,
but it's hard to eat a meal
when all appetite is gone.
Friendships you once valued
problems can erode
than share a troubled path with you
many cross the road.
you make that fateful statement
'it cant get any worse'
then of course it does
as you go into reverse.
But I couldn't write these words
unless once i'd felt like you
so these words come from experience
....i know youll make it through

by richard wilkins love jinnyann xoxoxoxoxo

love always xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

[RiverX]

Subject: question for you

Hi camilion,
I read your story this afternoon. I was attracted to it by your heading, 'is there anybody there?'.
I, like everyone else was moved, and yes, it brought tears and I could echo what has already been said to you, but as it has already been said, ........... and it sounds like you felt heard, ....... I wanted to ask you a question, so I hope thats ok with you.
When I first came to PC, I had some clear ideas about how people could be helped. But I bumped into reality, and realised, it would be more appropriate for me to learn form others than tell them my ideas.
So, i wanted to ask you:
what do you feel has helped you?
and what do you feel would help you still more from
here? What do you still need?
How has healing cometo you?
what has been possible?

Or anything along those lines. I feel stuck myself right now, I feel very isolated and failing in what I thought would be possible. I need to get in line with reality, and I hoped you dont mind me asking for your help with this.

thank you for your courage and your sharing.

riverx

[Swedish]

It is a heart breaking story, i suffer with you ...

[TYMBERWOLV]

Cam,

I haven't been moved by a testimony as powerfull as that in a long time ... I cannot put into to words how I feel for you now.

I know that we all come from different backgrounds different challenges in our lives...

When you need help find refuge and shelter amongst your friends. I truly believe that people are appointed to other people for healing , to learn from them... I was requested by Recluse to pray for you and I have .... Now I know why this friend was adamant that I needed to do this....

I will not make excuses for what has happened to you sweetie but yet I know now that together we can carry the yoke of your troubles.

Shall I say that your story has given me inspiration to carry out the word to share what i know ...

If you ever need a shoulder or someone to vent I will extend my hand out ... If you need bread and water I will open my door ... If you are tired and weary I have a bed for you to sleep on.... For our father supplies me with great things to share with great people

Bless you Cam

Let Our light shine upon you today

T

[darkpurplesecrets]

((((fuzzybear))))

Sorry it has taken me so long to write. I went into the hospital on the 18th and was unable to get back until now. But thank you for your prayers and thoughts. I love you fuzzy, always.

camilionwords1truth